Page 37 of Sorry, Not Sorry
She put down her fork and took a deep breath. ‘Okay, so I’m really grateful you agreed to meet. I honestly wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d told me to get lost.’
He frowned. ‘I’d never do that!’
‘I know, and that’s because you’re a much better person than I am,’ she admitted with a rueful smile. ‘Breaking up with you the way I did wasn’t kind, and I wanted to say I’m sorry.’ She hesitated and he looked at her enquiringly.
‘Go on.’
‘Like I told you earlier, I’m a relationship counsellor now’ – or at least I hope I still am, she thought, mentally crossing her fingers – ‘and part of my training is understanding my own history, and my biases and triggers when it comes to relationships.’ She paused and then continued, choosing her words carefully.
‘If I’m being honest, Remi, it’s been brought to my attention that I haven’t behaved very well, to say the least, in my relationships. I’ve been selfish and thoughtless, and I’ve treated people who cared about me very badly. That’s why I reached out to you – to apologise for ending things so abruptly and without explanation and then making things worse by not taking your calls.’
She looked at him expectantly, but Remi swallowed another spoonful of his soup without comment. Then, putting down his spoon, he studied her for a moment.
‘So tell me, Del. Why did you end things with us? I really liked you – no, I’ll be honest too. I still really like you. When I heard you’d called the office and then when you rang me again last week, I was hoping it was because you wanted us to try again and?—’
She cut him off, groaning softly at his pained expression. ‘I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to give you the wrong idea. When I – I disappeared on you, I didn’t believe we were right for each other, but I owed you a grown-up conversation, not just running away and cutting off contact in the way I did.’
‘But that was then,’ Remi persisted. ‘Is there any chance we could give it another go? We got on so well and – Del, the truth is I haven’t stopped thinking about you.’
Delilah bit her lip, stunned that he still had feelings for her after she’d let him down so badly. ‘I know it sounds like a cliché, but what I did – it – it wasn’t your fault. I was immature and scared of?—’
‘Scared of what?’ Remi interrupted, sounding frustrated. ‘I loved you and I’d have done anything for you.’
‘I know,’ she muttered, feeling guiltier by the second. ‘That was the problem. I couldn’t handle being loved so intensely – by anyone. Look, it’s my issue to deal with, and believe me, I’m trying. I’m seeing a therapist and everything.’
‘Then, maybe things would be different with us this time? I still love you, you know.’ He stared at her intently as if willing her to confess the same, but she shook her head. She’d had no idea Remi would feel this way. He had been so kind and generous to her all evening, and the guilt she’d already felt was compounded by the knowledge that she was about to hurt his feelings once again.
‘I’m sorry, but I don’t feel the same way and I don’t want to lead you on by pretending we would work as a couple.’
Remi’s face clouded over, and Delilah stared down miserably at her plate, feeling like she had just kicked a defenceless puppy.
‘So, what now?’ he asked with a resigned sigh.
‘I don’t deserve it, but I’m asking – no, begging – for your forgiveness. I’ve had a lot of time to think about my past behaviour, and I’m trying to do better.’
Remi picked up his spoon and continued his meal. ‘How’s your sister? She was pregnant when we were going out. What did she have in the end?’
Delilah blinked, thrown off by the sudden change of topic. ‘A boy. Arin.’ She hesitated. ‘Sal’s fine, although she’s not talking to me.’
Remi looked up in surprise. ‘Are you serious? The two of you were always super close. I can’t imagine you falling out.’
Delilah shook her head dumbly, suddenly perilously close to tears.
‘What happened?’ Remi sounded so genuinely concerned that Delilah found herself confessing to the argument with Farhan and how Salome had barred her from their home.
‘It was all my fault,’ Delilah admitted sadly. ‘I broke my sister’s trust, and I hurt Farhan who’s been like a brother to me ever since he started going out with Sal. Like I said, I’m crap at relationships and at treating people who care about me properly.’
She drummed her fingers nervously on the table. ‘To tell you the full ugly truth, I’ve been suspended from work to figure myself out, and I’m starting to think I should give up trying to counsel other people when I’ve made such a mess of my own relationships.’
To her surprise, Remi reached across the table and the reassuring warmth of his hand over hers stilled her jumpy fingers.
‘I’m sorry to hear that,’ he said gently. ‘Sounds like you’ve been going through a tough time.’
She blinked back the tears pricking her eyes, overwhelmed by the undeserved kindness. ‘I wish I knew how to make things right with Sal,’ she said finally.
‘It’s Christmas in a few days. I’m sure she’ll want to spend it with you.’
Delilah shook her head. ‘Christmas has never been a good time of year for us, and Sal and I must be the most un-Christmassy people in the universe. If it wasn’t for the kids, we wouldn’t bother with it. No, Christmas is definitely not going to make her change her mind.’
