Page 43 of Sorry, Not Sorry
He sighed and scratched the rough stubble on his cheek, and then ran a hand through his hair, clearly uncomfortable.
‘D’you want a cuppa?’ Without waiting for an answer, he turned and walked towards the kitchen.
Delilah nodded before realising he couldn’t see her. ‘Yes. Please.’
She hovered in the doorway of the kitchen while Farhan filled the kettle and rummaged in the cupboard for mugs. He glanced over to where she stood and raised an eyebrow. ‘I’m not going to bite. Have a seat and I’ll bring the tea over.’
He didn’t sound like someone getting ready to sever a close relationship, and Delilah sat down at the kitchen table as instructed. Neither of them spoke while they waited for the water to boil, and Farhan swiftly made the tea, pouring a generous splash of milk in both mugs before carrying them to the table and sitting down opposite her.
Murmuring her thanks, Delilah wrapped her hands around the warm mug while sneaking a surreptitious peek through her lashes at her brother-in-law. Three years behind Salome and Farhan at school, she still remembered how the girls in her class had swooned over Farhan’s soulful eyes and curly black hair. But even then, Farhan had only been interested in Salome. This morning, he looked exhausted; the soulful eyes had deep shadows, and the black curls were sprinkled with grey strands she’d never noticed before.
‘So, how’ve you been?’ Farhan took a sip of his tea, his impassive expression making it impossible to guess his thoughts.
‘Not great,’ Delilah admitted. ‘You look tired. Has work been busy?’
He shrugged. ‘No more than usual. Arin’s teething, and it’s a struggle getting him to sleep through the night, but he’ll grow out of it.’
‘I’ve missed him – and Maya. All of you, actually. Thanks for agreeing to see me.’
Farhan grimaced and put down his mug, looking straight at her. ‘Okay, I’ll get to the point. What you said when you were here – about me not caring about Sal… well, I was beyond furious with you, because if anyone knows how much she means to me and what I’m prepared to sacrifice for her, it’s you. But what you were accusing me of made me – us – face some hard truths. I’ve been so wrapped up in work that even though I knew Sal was struggling, I thought working from home and helping with the kids was me showing support. She always puts me first, and I should have done the same and asked her what she needed, but I didn’t. What’s worse is whenever she tried to tell me, I – well, I suppose I shut her down or just chose not to hear her.’
Delilah’s tea sat untouched while she listened in wonderment. Having arrived more than ready to eat humble pie and do whatever it took to make things right with her sister and brother-in-law, this bald confession was the last thing she had expected.
‘I don’t know what to say,’ she said slowly. ‘I came to apologise to you and Sal. I was totally out of order that day, and it certainly wasn’t my place to say anything about your marriage. The last thing I wanted was to come between the two of you. Sal loves you so much and she took back what she’d said to me as soon as the words came out, and?—’
‘Del, it’s fine,’ Farhan cut in, shaking his head emphatically. ‘After you left, Sal and I had a long talk about – about everything: how she feels about staying at home, feeling isolated, what she’d like to do with her life… literally everything. We hadn’t realised quite how disconnected we’d grown, but we’ve kept talking, which is why we asked you for space. If I’m honest, it’s been a tough few weeks with more than a few tears on both sides, but we’re in a good place now. So, I suppose I should thank you,’ he finished with a wry grin.
Delilah looked at him, feeling at once overwhelmed by what Farhan and Salome had gone through as a couple and guilty for causing the conflict between the people she loved the most. But from Farhan’s explanation, it was clear he and Salome had found a way to communicate through their crisis and strengthen their relationship.
‘Maybe I’m not such a crap relationship counsellor after all?’ she ventured.
‘I never said you were,’ he pointed out.
‘I know.’ Delilah sighed. ‘It’s just…’ She paused, too ashamed to admit she was effectively unemployed again and had pleaded with her sister not to share her troubles at work with Farhan.
‘So, when are you going to tell me what’s going on with you?’ he asked, tilting his head questioningly. ‘You’re here on a Friday morning, so you can’t be working. Sal won’t let on, but from the way the two of you have been huddling and speaking in hushed voices for God knows how long, something’s obviously going on.’
Delilah took a long swallow of tepid tea, feeling guilty at the tinge of hurt in Farhan’s voice. It was hard to remember the last time she had sat down for a heart to heart with him, and yet for years, the two of them had been as thick as thieves. Whether it was bypassing the payment gate to sneak into the local tennis courts and bat around balls with Farhan’s old tennis racquets, teasing Salome about her obsessive neatness, or taking the kids to play in the park to give her sister a break, she had always enjoyed hanging out with him. While Farhan never let an opportunity pass to wind Delilah up, there was no question that he had been a rock for her and her sister. After their mother’s death, and without ever being asked, he had stayed up with Delilah during the long sleepless nights she had sat mute with pain, making her endless cups of tea. When she eventually felt ready to live alone, it was Farhan who had hired a van to take her stuff to her new flat and built the flatpack bed and bookcases she had no clue how to assemble. For years, he had treated her like the sister he’d never had while she’d taken him for granted, casually dismissing his generosity and kindness. Yet another relationship she had messed up and needed to apologise for, she acknowledged sadly.
‘You’re right, Farhan, and I’m sorry. I’ve behaved so badly towards you and there’s stuff I should have told you weeks ago.’
Putting down her mug, she recounted everything that had happened over the past several weeks, starting with her conversation with Polly. Farhan listened intently and when Delilah stopped talking, he reached across the table and covered her hand with his.
‘I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all this. I wish you’d told me what was going on.’
‘I was embarrassed,’ she said quietly. ‘I didn’t want to admit you were right when you were joking about how I can’t hold down a job. I’ve made such a mess of things and at this point, I honestly don’t know if Polly will ever give me my job back.’
Farhan mulled over her words and looked at her thoughtfully. ‘D’you know what, Del. Most people run and hide rather than face up to the damage they’ve done to other people. So, big respect to you for going and finding these guys and owning your mistakes.’
‘It’s definitely been a journey,’ Delilah conceded with a humourless laugh. ‘I’ve learned a lot about myself, and a lot of it isn’t good.’
‘But you’re holding yourself accountable. And therapy… really?’
‘Well, it was either that or get the sack. But actually, Arne’s been amazing. He’s intimidating at first glance, like he’s this super-tall Norwegian with big, flaming-red hair and a thick beard – but he’s the gentlest soul. He’s very empathetic and he really gets it when I feel uncomfortable or ashamed and doesn’t judge me. It can get a bit tricky sometimes, especially when he starts down the “What were your parents like and what kind of childhood did you have?” line of questioning. But all in all, it’s been good to have someone objective to help me reflect on my own emotional skills – or lack of them!’
Farhan shook his head. ‘You going to therapy is something I never thought I’d see – and that should count for something with your boss, surely?’
‘Maybe. But now I’ve got myself tangled up in this situation with Noah and – and Zazie. If I mess that up, Arne will never give me the go-ahead. He warned me that I couldn’t stay impartial, and I made such a big deal about how my feelings for Noah were strictly in the past…’ She tailed off miserably.
