Page 63 of Sorry, Not Sorry
‘You’re supposed to be the expert,’ she muttered in frustration. Just this once, couldn’t Arne stop dissecting everything and simply tell her what to do?
‘Come now, Delilah. It’s tempting to want a black and white response, but you know it isn’t my role to give you an answer you can find yourself.’
He gestured towards the chair and Delilah returned to sit down, looking at him with apprehension.
‘The first time you ran from Noah, you said it was because you were afraid, yes?’
When she nodded, he continued. ‘Fear leads us to catastrophise and look for the worst version of a situation, so try to remember that your fears are just that. Fears. They are not the truth. Here’s what I want you to do.’
She leaned forward, holding her breath in anticipation. At this point, she was so desperate to make things right with Noah that she would have done anything Arne suggested.
‘I want you to recognise that what you are doing is panicking and imagining your worst fears. Do not run ahead of yourself. Instead, focus on where you are right now and not what the future might bring. It is possible you and Noah will find happiness together, but, if not, what’s the worst-case scenario?’
‘He’ll hate me and never want to see me again,’ she said miserably.
‘And what will that do to you?’
‘It would break my heart…’ Her voice tailed off as she imagined life without Noah’s infectious energy and teasing smile. Without his generosity, his thoughtfulness, and his readiness to defend her against anyone, including his own mother. Life without the feel of Noah’s arms around her and the way he made her giggle by nuzzling her neck whenever he kissed her.
‘Yes, it would, but you would survive.’ Arne’s words broke into her thoughts.
‘Surviving isn’t enough,’ she burst out. ‘I don’t want to be without Noah!’
‘I know, but we were exploring your worst fears. So let’s also consider the best-case scenario. What would that look like?’
Delilah took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She pictured them in the park, standing on the bridge watching the ducks paddle downstream. She saw clear blue skies and felt the warmth of the sun. She saw Noah smiling at her, reaching for her, the crown tattoo clearly visible on his arm. She opened her eyes, even more dejected by the realisation of what she had lost.
‘It would look exactly like it does now,’ she whispered. ‘Or, at least, like it did before I destroyed him again. Oh Arne, I just want to be free to love without feeling like I’m in danger!’
‘Can I make an observation?’ Arne said mildly.
‘Go on,’ she said with a deep sigh, wondering why he bothered to ask. They both knew he would speak his mind, whatever she said.
‘How we behaved in the past doesn’t define the rest of our lives – or even our future relationships. We can unlearn poor behaviours and replace them with new and better ways to manage ourselves and our emotions. When you were a child, you didn’t feel safe to voice your feelings about what was happening around you, and so your emotional language was suppressed. But now you are an adult, you can relearn that language. So, tell me, Delilah, what is it you want?’
‘I want to be with Noah. I really, really do! I ran away from him the first time – and today – because he said he adored me. I’ve heard those words before, and it didn’t end well. I want to move out of my past and focus on my future, but I also don’t want to replicate my mother’s behaviour. I don’t want to be with someone who’s so dependent on me for their happiness that I feel suffocated. So, how can I love Noah – or let him love me when – when I know the damage love can bring?’
‘It takes work, Delilah. When your default response is to run away, it takes work to sit in those feelings of anxiety and dread until they pass, and then stay and face your fears. You’ve seen it’s impossible to bury pain, put on a mask and hide secrets in the hope that things will somehow resolve themselves. It takes courage but acknowledging what you feel – and expressing what you need – are the first steps towards taking personal responsibility.’
Arne studied her gravely. ‘You have a strong support system with your sister and her husband who model a healthy love. You have described to me how Salome and Farhan dealt with their challenges as a couple; they communicated honestly and openly to address the crisis in their marriage. You also have my support, Delilah. If you are willing, we can work together to address the trauma you experienced and help rebuild your confidence to sustain a healthy relationship with Noah.’
Everything Arne said made sense, but his offer would only work if she had a relationship to sustain in the first place, Delilah thought in mounting frustration.
‘Arne, I beg of you,’ she pleaded. She clasped the palms of her hands together, prepared to throw herself onto her knees, if necessary. ‘Tell. Me. What. To. Do. To. Get. Noah. Back!’
Arne scratched his beard thoughtfully and a faint smile played at the corner of his lips. ‘You ask me for answers, Delilah, and yet you are a trained relationship counsellor. You know very well that true intimacy cannot happen without honest communication and a willingness to be vulnerable. We can avoid conflict if our partner is aware of the wounds from our past. When we share information, we are giving them understanding about why we react, or overreact, in certain circumstances. Does this man who loves you not deserve to know about such a consequential event in your past – especially if the real threat to your relationship is not what happened, but the fact of you keeping it from him? What would you advise your client if she was withholding a secret of such magnitude that it prevented her bringing herself fully to her partner?’
When he put it like that, there was only one answer. ‘I would encourage her to talk to him and tell him everything, of course!’
Arne’s broad smile confirmed she’d got it right, but her momentary elation was quickly replaced by panic. There was no saying how Noah would react to the truth she had hidden from him all these years.
‘But what if?—’
‘Delilah, whatever happens this time, you can handle it,’ Arne broke in. ‘If Noah is the right man for you, then you must trust that he loves you and will understand.’
When she had arrived at Arne’s office earlier that afternoon, Delilah had felt desperate, lost, and utterly defeated. Now, standing up to leave the sanctuary he had so generously offered, it was as if she had shed a burden she’d grown so used to carrying that she’d almost forgotten it was there.
‘Take your own advice, Delilah.’ Arne’s smile of reassurance was the injection of courage she needed. ‘Go and talk to Noah. He deserves the truth.’
