Page 65 of Sorry, Not Sorry
His words echoed what Arne had said in his office, and she clung to him, trying desperately to believe them.
‘I wish I’d known about this, Del. I would have understood so much that didn’t make sense to me.’
She sniffed back tears. ‘I wish I’d told you sooner, but when we first met, I’d lived my life in two parts – before and after he killed my mum. After seeing how Farhan’s family reacted – how even Mum’s family reacted – there was no way I could admit what had happened to anyone I cared about. It was much easier just to say my father died when I was a child.’
He raised his head and pulled back to look at her. ‘I’m so sorry this happened to you. You acted so weird with me one time when I asked how your mum died that I thought she’d gone through some awful illness you couldn’t talk about. You and Salome were so tight and didn’t seem to need anyone else, so I never really questioned what happened to your parents.’
‘With Mum gone, it was just the two of us,’ Delilah murmured, resting her head against Noah’s chest. ‘He didn’t just kill Mum. He took away the life my sister and I had and then left us with the stigma of his crime. Luckily, Sal had Farhan, and even more luckily, I had Sal.’
Noah dropped a soft kiss on the top of her head, and Delilah sighed. ‘I told you before that I’ve been going through therapy. Polly – my manager – insisted on it if I wanted my job back. I thought I’d blanked out the “before” part, but Arne helped me see how it was driving so much of what I’ve been doing in the “after”, and how pretending things were fine didn’t stop the past infecting my life. Since I’ve started seeing Arne, I’m working on blending the before and after. It’s been agonising because I’ve grown so used to being guarded, but he’s helping me face my demons and sort my head out when my emotions get overwhelming. He’s amazing – really patient and understanding and kind – and he really listens. I feel safe with him because he’s not the slightest bit judgy, but he’s also not afraid to challenge me when I’m deflecting instead of expressing my feelings. You know, I hated the idea of therapy at first. I was so scared I’d lose my job if anyone found out about my past and thought I was unfit to be a counsellor, and I did everything to stop him finding out the truth – until yesterday. Arne says we learn certain behaviours as children to survive our family situations, but they don’t serve us in our adult relationships. After I ran from you in the café, I knew I didn’t want to be stuck in this pattern of sabotaging my life any more and that if I didn’t get help, I would lose you for good – and I couldn’t bear that!’
Noah looked into her eyes and sighed. ‘I’m sorry, Del. Truly sorry. I was so fixated on trying to protect my own emotions, I didn’t stop to ask the right questions. I assumed you were playing with my feelings again and that you didn’t care about me.’
For a long time, they stood holding each other as Delilah talked to Noah about her sessions with Arne. When she haltingly explained how Noah’s words during their phone call had triggered her into bolting the day before their wedding, he simply hugged her tighter.
‘You weren’t to know,’ she admitted sadly. ‘Even I didn’t connect the significance of that word to my reactions until I opened up to Arne. While I can’t say for sure if I’ll ever be fully healed, he’s confident I will get to a place where I can properly manage my emotions and make better choices.’
She looked up and searched Noah’s eyes anxiously. ‘But at least now I can stand here and talk to you and be open without feeling like hiding.’
Noah kissed her gently and stroked her hair away from her face. ‘Thank you for being honest with me, babe. Whatever you need from me, it’s yours. I want us to work more than I’ve wanted anything in my life.’
She smiled at him tremulously, deeply moved by the sincerity in his voice. ‘I’m so sorry about yesterday – and before. What I did to you was beyond awful. I let you fall in love with me and then abandoned you.’ She swallowed hard. ‘You loved me so much, but I felt overwhelmed and helpless and – and terrified I’d be consumed by my feelings for you and lose control like he did or, even worse, that I’d let you become consumed by me like Mum did. It’s taken time to figure all this out, but I promise I’ll do better by us.’
‘Well, it’s way too late for me to stop loving you, but next time you feel like running, tell me and I’ll run with you.’
His eyes twinkled, and Delilah giggled and punched him lightly on the shoulder. Okay, so Arne was right, she thought happily, but having Noah back was worth conceding her therapist had won the argument.
Noah stroked her cheek and then his expression sobered. ‘You haven’t said where he is.’
Delilah stiffened, and her eyes darted involuntarily towards the far side of the cemetery. ‘I don’t want to go there!’
‘I understand, babe. Honestly, I do,’ Noah said, his voice soothing. ‘But he can’t keep dominating your life. Look how much it’s taking out of you to keep hating him. Why not let go of the hurt and bitterness so you can put that energy into something positive?’
‘It’s easy to say, but how do you forgive the unforgiveable?’ Delilah retorted bitterly. ‘Besides, if I forgave him, I’d be letting Mum down.’
‘Forgiving your dad doesn’t mean you’re abandoning your mum, Del. What happened is unimaginable, and he was your father so you’re going to feel conflicted, no matter what. But what he did is on him. He was the one who took away your sense of security and ripped your life apart. All I’m saying is, you don’t have to forgive your father, but you need to make peace with what he did. I know letting go of trauma isn’t like turning off a switch, but I need you to understand you will not fight this battle alone.’
She looked away, and he held her gently by the shoulders until she turned back to meet his eyes. ‘Listen to me, Del. You’re the one I care about, not him. I want you to be happy and I don’t want the past to stop you living fully in the present.’
‘But is it okay to be happy?’ Delilah said dejectedly, her voice sounding more like a sigh. ‘For years after Mum died, I felt guilty if I so much as laughed at a joke.’
Noah gave her shoulders a reassuring squeeze. ‘I’m right here, sweetheart, and we’ll face it – him – together. Let’s do this, okay?’
44
Delilah hadn’t set foot in that part of the cemetery since the day they had buried her father, and as they approached the spot, she felt her heart pounding and the hairs rise up on her arms. She shivered and would have pulled back if Noah hadn’t urged her forward, his grip on her hand warm and reassuring.
Moments later, she stopped. There it was. Her breath caught in her throat as she stared at the faded lettering engraved on the worn brass plaque. Justin Braithwaite.
They stood in silence, the birds chirping in the morning sunshine and the chilly February breeze rustling the leaves of the surrounding trees. Slowly, Delilah felt her heart rate calm and the tightness in her chest ease. She let go of Noah’s hand and took a step closer to the unadorned grave.
This patch of damp grass with its rusty plaque was all that remained of the man whose actions had devastated her past and threatened to destroy her future. She would never know what had driven him or understand how he could take the life of someone he claimed to love, but it wasn’t her mystery to solve or her burden to carry.
Something positive has to come from such an evil action, she thought soberly. Noah was right. She didn’t have to forgive her father, but she did have to let her anger go – not for his sake, but because it was corroding her inside and pushing her towards destructive choices. She could hear Arne’s voice: ‘Find compassion for the hurt child you were then and give it to the woman you are now.’ She thought of the bewildered, frightened child caught up in the complex emotional dance of the adults around her. None of it was her fault, and she deserved to love and be loved. It was time to heal the hurt child and be at peace with herself. It was time to accept that it was over; that she was safe, and he was gone.
Noah stepped forward to stand beside her, and when Delilah’s hand crept into his, he held onto it tightly, as if he would never let go. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, breathing in the scent of damp grass, freshly dug soil and the faint lemon tang of his cologne.
Then, with Noah by her side and his hand firmly holding hers, Delilah exhaled.
