Page 15 of Sorry, Not Sorry
‘My sister thinks I need relationship AA to do my job better,’ she blurted out before she could censor herself. ‘She reckons I should go on an apology tour of my ex-boyfriends and make amends for dumping them.’
Arne raised his brows in surprise. ‘That sounds like an interesting challenge. What makes this important to you?’
Already regretting her impulse to reveal Salome’s mad scheme, Delilah waved a hand as if she could swat the topic aside. ‘Frankly, I think it’s a daft idea.’
‘What was your sister’s reasoning for this exercise?’
Arne clearly wasn’t letting it go, and Delilah reluctantly added, ‘She thinks I break up with boyfriends too quickly and that I’m never open with them about the reasons why.’
‘And what do you think?’ Arne leaned forward with interest, causing Sigmund to emit a miaow of protest and leap to the floor. Crooking his tail, he padded across the office and slunk under the desk.
Delilah wrapped a braid around her finger as she pondered Arne’s question. ‘I don’t agree,’ she said baldly. ‘I know when a relationship isn’t working, and I’ve always had perfectly good reasons not to stay with my exes. I admit I’m not great at having awkward break-up conversations and would rather just move on, but that’s got nothing to do with my ability to be a good counsellor.’
‘Who says it does?’
‘Polly.’ Delilah’s mind went back to the last meeting with her supervisor, and she blew air out of her cheeks in exasperation. ‘She seems to think I have relationship baggage which is affecting my ability to work with clients.’
Arne tilted his head as if weighing her words. ‘Can we explore what you said earlier a little more? I’m curious to understand why you shy away from telling your partner your reasons for ending the relationship.’
Delilah shrugged defensively. ‘I don’t see the point in hurting someone’s feelings just because I don’t want to be with them any more.’
‘I find this very interesting. Do you consider silence is less painful than the truth? Perhaps honesty would be a more generous response and offer them – and you – greater clarity as to why things didn’t work out?’
Delilah hesitated, and then suddenly her game plan didn’t seem quite so important. The nights of fitful sleep and the dark dreams that forced her awake put paid to her claim that she had moved on from the past. Salome’s words flashed through her mind. Have you honestly never considered that you’re the only common denominator?
‘But what if the real reason it didn’t work isn’t about them?’ she asked in a low voice. ‘What if they’re not the issue and it’s me?’
Arne studied her thoughtfully. ‘Isn’t that more reason to be truthful about why you made the decision?’ He paused, and when she made no comment, continued. ‘Tell me more about this tour of apologies. What exactly will you be seeking? Do you want forgiveness to reassure yourself you are a good person or are you concerned about the person you have hurt and sincerely regret your actions?’
Delilah stared at him in dismay, trying to work out how they had arrived here. Despite her best intentions, Arne’s questions had somehow provoked her into engaging with him, and she had a horrible feeling there was no turning back.
‘Will you take up your sister’s challenge?’ His neutral tone made it impossible to gauge his opinion or ignore him.
‘Truthfully? I don’t know. Maybe. I mean, it’s not like I’ve got a lot going on these days without work to go to.’ She ran a hand through her braids and fell back in the armchair, rolling her shoulders to ease the tension building up around her neck.
‘Who knows,’ she mused aloud. ‘Perhaps Salome’s right – although there’s no way I would ever tell her that. I still think the idea sounds mad, but if it shows Polly I’ve addressed my “relationship baggage”’ – she raised her hands into exaggerated air quotes – ‘then, why not?’
‘Clearly, your job is very important to you,’ Arne observed with a brief smile. ‘Before we finish for today, let’s talk a little more about your work. You mentioned earlier that couples who aren’t good for each other should not stay together, which leaves me curious about how you know when you have done a good job.’
‘I don’t understand.’ Delilah stared at him, puzzled.
‘Do you feel a stronger inclination to see your clients stay together or is it success for you when they separate?’
When she continued to look baffled, Arne looked past her to a large clock on the wall and stood up, brushing Sigmund’s hair from his trousers. ‘Our time is up, so let’s leave it there. I will reserve this time slot for you, and we can discuss this further next week.’
‘But—’
Arne was already on his way to the door, and he opened it and waited while she gathered her belongings. ‘Book your next session in my calendar, Delilah, and I’ll see you then.’
10
It was freezing by the time Delilah left the cemetery. The anaemic rays of afternoon sun did nothing to warm the air and after several days of heavy rain, the grey clouds overhead threatened a further deluge. It was too early to meet Armenique for the sandwich lunch they’d planned, and Salome’s house, which was a short walk away, was currently a hotbed of infection. Maya had brought home a streaming cold from nursery and passed it on to Arin.
With time to spare, Delilah decided to walk into the town centre rather than take the bus. While she waited to cross the busy high street, her gaze fell on to the purple awning of a tattoo parlour across the road. Suddenly, it was as if she had been yanked from her body as the noise from the heavy traffic faded away and the past roared back.
‘Go on, then. Ladies first,’ he announced with a grin.
Seeing the needle on the tray surrounded by pots of coloured inks and clear plastic cups sent Delilah’s stomach into a nervous spasm. The bravado, fuelled by half a bottle of wine, which had spurred her to agree to this, was long gone, and she pushed Noah towards the black padded chair.
