Page 26 of Sorry, Not Sorry
For a long moment, Noah simply stared at her, and then he exhaled as if he had just run a marathon. ‘You’re three years and four months too late but, for whatever reason, you’ve come all this way so I suppose the least I can do is listen.’
While his words proved he’d been keeping track of the time since their break-up, nothing in his expression indicated that it was for positive reasons. Grateful Noah was at least prepared to let her say her piece, Delilah gave him a half-smile, which he didn’t return. Opening the door wider, he went up a flight of stairs with long strides, leaving her to shut the front door and follow.
The door to his flat was ajar, and he walked in without turning to see if she was behind him. Following Noah through a narrow entrance hall into a large airy lounge with a square bay window and high moulded ceilings, Delilah looked around curiously. Other than a large TV screen which dominated one wall of the room, the only furniture was a sofa and a couple of squashy armchairs. Noah’s extensive collection of CDs and vinyl records filled the length of open shelving beneath the bay window but, unlike the untidy studio she remembered, Noah’s new flat was surprisingly uncluttered. She couldn’t help wondering what else had changed.
When she turned, Noah was staring at her. His expression was unreadable, and she flushed under the scrutiny. It was surreal to be finally face to face with the man who had haunted her dreams for weeks, and yet here she was. But while he hadn’t yet thrown her out, she had no guarantee he wouldn’t change his mind.
‘Thanks for giving me the time of day and I won’t keep you long,’ Delilah started. He remained silent, and she bit her lip nervously. ‘Look, I… I know I’m the last person you would ever want to see, and?—’
She stopped. It was no use. She couldn’t think straight with him looking at her, and she was mortified by how inarticulate she sounded. Get on with it, Del! She took a breath and tried again.
‘I’ve wanted to talk to you for such a long time, but you… you disappeared and – well, your mum hates me and refuses to speak to me. I was too embarrassed to call any of your friends to find out how you were and, I suppose if I’m honest, I was scared of what they’d say to me. Sal told me where to find you and I decided to come over rather than ring you because… because I wasn’t sure you’d take my call.’
Still, Noah said nothing, and Delilah ploughed on. ‘The thing is, I wanted to let you know how much I regret the way I behaved towards you.’
‘Regret…!’ Noah burst out angrily. ‘Christ, Delilah, you sound like a bloody politician! Are you serious right now? Is this why you came over here? To get this – I don’t even know what to call it – off your chest and then vanish again?’
That wasn’t a question that had come up in her imagined scenarios, and she stared at him dumbly. Her legs felt unsteady, and even though Noah hadn’t invited her to, she sat in one of the armchairs, perching on the edge to avoid looking as if she was making herself comfortable.
‘Noah, what can I do?’ she pleaded, looking up at him with wide eyes.
‘You can start by being honest,’ he said stonily. ‘There’s no point showing up here with some half-arsed apology if you can’t give me a good reason why you ditched me and cancelled our wedding with a day’s notice.’
It was the question anyone in his shoes would have asked, and yet it was impossible for Delilah to explain what she still didn’t fully understand. You should really have thought this through better before coming. Why couldn’t Noah just accept she felt awful about what she had done instead of making this harder for both of them, she wondered miserably.
Noah dropped into the other armchair, and feeling slightly less intimidated, Delilah fell back on her script. Glossing over the details, she filled him in on her new job and her goal of becoming a better counsellor by making amends for her past behaviour.
‘…and that’s it. I came here to apologise. I really am sorry, Noah.’ She bit her lip and stared searchingly into his face. ‘You didn’t deserve what I did to you and if there was any way I could make it up to you, I would.’
His silence was unnerving, and she added earnestly, ‘Please forgive me.’
‘No.’
‘What?’
‘I said no.’
Delilah stared at him in dismay. ‘I swear to you I meant every word I’ve just said.’
Noah’s eyes were as hard as flint and they skewered her without mercy as he leaned forward, his elbows resting on his knees. ‘No, Delilah, because, yet again, this is all about you. Let’s be honest, you’re not here for me – the only reason you’ve shown up today is so you can feel better about what you did to me. Absolving yourself at someone else’s expense is bullshit and pure selfishness. So no, I don’t forgive you.’
It was hard to argue with him, but she wasn’t ready to give up. ‘I get that you’re angry with me and, believe me, I know what I did was unforgiveable, but?—’
‘Good word, that. Unforgiveable. Yes, it was, so I don’t know how you have the gall to ask me to let it go.’
‘Noah, I’m trying here. I know I can’t make up for what I did to you—’ She couldn’t stop the tremor in her voice and she turned her head away before he could see the tears filling her eyes. Who was she kidding? He was well within his rights to hate her, and she was wasting her time and his by hoping time had softened his anger.
‘Actually, maybe you can.’
Delilah turned to find him eyeing her speculatively.
‘Really? How?’ she asked hopefully.
‘You said you’re a relationship counsellor now, is that right?’
‘Ye-es,’ Delilah said slowly, wondering where this was going.
Noah chewed on his lip in silence for a moment and then he sat back in his chair. ‘Leaving aside the obvious irony, are you any good at your job?’
