Page 59 of Sorry, Not Sorry
She peeked up through her lashes at him, consumed with guilt for ruining what had been, until now, a perfect day. ‘I… I… It just feels like…’
‘Like what?’
She could tell he was trying not to sound exasperated, but when she tried to explain, her chest tightened, and her throat felt clogged. Noah had every right to be furious with her and she knew she owed him the truth, but as much as she could feel them hurtling towards disaster, she had no idea how to pull them back.
‘Okay, now you’re really scaring me. Delilah, what’s wrong?’ Noah leaned in closer, and his voice took on an urgency mirrored on his face. ‘What is going on with you? Is it something I’ve said or done or…?’
The persistent barrage of questions instantly pushed Delilah onto the defensive and her words spilled out before she could filter them. ‘You’re pressuring me, Noah! It – it… all of it. It just feels like a lot right now, and…’
She floundered, lost for words, and swallowed hard. Everything had been going so well. Why did he have to push things all the time?
Noah couldn’t have looked more shocked if she’d slapped him. For one long, agonising moment he simply stared at her, and then he slumped back in his seat. Any trace of his earlier brightness had drained away as he brushed a weary hand across his face. Staring down at the table, he slowly shook his head.
‘Are we really here again?’ he asked quietly.
‘What – what do you mean?’ Delilah stammered, her stomach churning.
Noah looked up at her, and she could have wept at the blend of disbelief and despair in his eyes. ‘I mean, are you getting cold feet about us again? Are we really back where we were three years ago… after… after everything?’
She swallowed the sob tearing at her chest and leaned forward, clutching his arm as if it was a life rope. ‘Noah! It isn’t you. I promise! There’s a lot going on in my head that I’m trying to process and you – us… sometimes it can feel like?—’
‘Like what?’ His eyes looked bruised with pain as he harshly interrupted her halting attempts to explain herself. ‘I thought you were happy we’re back together. I didn’t realise being with me was so damned stressful!’
The tears spilled unchecked down Delilah’s cheeks while her trembling fingers clung onto Noah’s arm. She felt rather than saw the waitress looking curiously in their direction, but she didn’t care. All she wanted was to wipe the sadness from Noah’s face.
‘Please,’ she whispered tearfully, feeling utterly wretched. ‘It’s not you – it’s me. It’s me! I’m the one with issues. You’ve been nothing but lovely. After everything I’ve done, you still want to take me on holiday and instead of sounding grateful, I’m being an insensitive cow! Noah, please… just give me time.’
‘Time for what? How much time?’
‘I don’t know!’ She shook her head, knowing she sounded irrational even as she silently pleaded with him to understand what she couldn’t explain.
Noah’s gaze travelled over Delilah’s distraught, tear-stained face for what felt like forever. ‘It’s not just you – I’m part of this. If you’ve got issues then they affect me too, so talk to me! I love you, Delilah, and I’m 100 per cent in this. What do I need to do to prove it?’
Despite the words, his voice sounded hollow, as if he had already given up on them.
‘I’m… sorry, Noah…’ Delilah’s chest was so tight that she could scarcely get the words out.
He stared at her, bemused. ‘What’s happening here, Del?’ he said forcefully. ‘Please don’t do this to us. I love you… Dammit, I adore you.’
In an instant, everything merged into a blinding kaleidoscope. The words, the rain beating against the windows, feeling trapped inside the booth, Noah’s hurt, angry face demanding her love, demanding answers she couldn’t give.
Terrified, Delilah looked around frantically, desperate to escape.
‘Delilah!’
Noah’s urgent plea was like an injection of adrenaline, like a bolt of lightning shooting through her and pumping up her heart rate so fast, she thought she would pass out. She stared at him with wild eyes, her mind, her body, everything screaming at her to run.
‘I’m sorry!’ she gasped, wringing her hands helplessly. ‘I – I can’t?—’
Overwhelmed and panicked, she couldn’t think straight. She dragged herself out from behind the table and stood up, trembling. As she stared down into Noah’s stricken face, the words she so desperately wanted to speak remained stuck in her throat.
Anguished, she turned and stumbled past the empty tables to get to the door. Through a haze of tears she saw the waitress openly staring, but Delilah didn’t stop. Wrenching open the café door, she ran out into the rain.
39
Delilah ran down the street until she was out of breath, her eyes streaming with tears that were washed away by the heavy rain as soon as they fell. The raw pain in her chest felt like someone had reached inside to rip the plaster off a deep wound that had never healed. She stopped under a doorway to catch her breath, her entire body shivering uncontrollably. The moment there was a slight lull in the intensity of the water cascading over her precarious shelter, Delilah stepped out into the rain and fled towards the only person who could save her.
Please, please be there! The words played on a loop as she waded through flooded pavements and dodged oncoming traffic to cross the waterlogged main road into the town centre. By the time she reached the door to Arne’s building, she was drenched. She wiped the relentless rain from her face with the back of her hand and pressed hard on the bell, pounding her fists on the door and sobbing hysterically. He had to be there, he had to be there…
