Page 54 of The Illicit Play
“You’ve always been the smartest girl in the room.” Dad winks at me.
I laugh and brush my hand through the air, batting his compliment away.
This pulsing pressure inside me is gonna blow. I canfeel it expanding, threatening to spew out of me in a volcanic, gassy eruption.
I’m not smart! I’m a loser with no control, and I’ve been systematically fucking up my life ever since I left home! Because I can’t live up to your expectations anymore! It’s too much. It’s all just too much!
Resting my head on Wily’s shoulder, I manage to keep that shit on lockdown and smile sweetly at my parents while they wrap up the call.
I say the “I love yous” I’m supposed to. I blow kisses. I make my parents laugh.
And then the call is over and I still can’t breathe, because my big brother is right there.
Shit, I can’t do this.
I can’t breathe!
This weird clawing sensation is scratching my insides raw, and I end up bolting off the couch as if someone just stuck me with a hot poker.
“You okay?” Wily frowns up at me.
“Yeah, I just…” Letting out this weird cackle, I quickly clear my throat and grin down at my big bro. “I’ve got a hankering for Dr Pepper. I can’t even explain it. I think I just need a sugar kick to get me through my afternoon study sesh. Are you good if I split and do a little shopping? I should be back in about?—”
“Go.” He waves his hand toward the door. “I’ll be fine. Take as long as you need. I’m just gonna watch ESPN highlights and…” He sighs. “Finish reading that research I’m supposed to get through before Satch arrives for our tutoring session.”
I snort and scoff. “More like make-out session.”
“Hey, we work.” His eyes sparkle as his lips form alittle smirk. “The making out is my reward for studying like a good boy.”
“Uh-huh.”
“So, if I get that research read and start my study notes, we’ll get through it faster, and then we can…” His voice trails off as he scrambles for his laptop and the pile of pages next to it.
I help him get set up before walking out of the house and finally,finallyinhaling my first full breath. Well, sort of. It feels shallow and does nothing to kill this antsy writhing in my stomach.
Bypassing Wily’s truck, I walk into town, needing the exercise or fresh air or whatever. It’s the first day of no rain we’ve had in ages, and I just want to enjoy the pale sunshine that’s breaking through the clouds.
I need to move. To breathe.
My steps are clipped, my boots pock-pock-pocking on the concrete as I walk.
Keeping my head down, I try to wrestle my chaotic thoughts into line, but I seriously have no hope. They’re swirling around me, and I’m caught in the middle of this impossible vortex.
What I wouldn’t give to break free of all these lies and?—
No! The lies are keeping you safe. The fallout is worse. It’s so much worse. Just hold yourself together.
Until when?
How long do I have to keep this up for?
Until you have a plan.
A plan.
Yeah, that elusive thing I’ve been chasing ever since I left my dorm room for good.
I have no idea what kind of plan to concoct around this shitty situation. I’ve been batting ideas around, but nothing solid comes to me. Nothing sticks, because all of my ideas suck!
