Page 171 of The Illicit Play
Why would Wily want to be related to me?
Tears flood my eyes as my little pity party goes into full swing.
“No,” I whisper. “A topic. Pick a topic!” I growl at myself, then start with an easy one. “Boys’ names.” Swallowing, I lick my lips, then instantly wish I hadn’t. The breeze is so much colder against my wet skin. With a grimace, I clench my jaw and mutter, “A… Adam. B… Barry. C… um… Carson.” My eyebrows rise as I think about Wily’s grumpy-ass friend. “D… Donovan. E… Edward. F…” I blink, my brain starting to hurt and telling me to shut up.
Just let me sleep!
No!
F… let’s go!
“F…” I close my eyes, then force them back open. “Frank. G…” My stomach twists, this pain in my chest making me believe for just a moment that souls are a physical thing. Because my soul is aching as I whisper the word “Grady.”
I’d give anything to have him here with me right now.
He’d know exactly what to do.
Exactly how to help me.
And he would. In his calm, sweet way, he would once again get me out of trouble. Even though he’d rather be with Teah. Sweet, simple, uncomplicated Teah.
Who thought he was boring.
My insides writhe with anger for a moment, but then logical thought overrides the emotion.
“She’ll wake up and realize that she was wrong.” My voice is slow and kind of slurred as I whisper to the stars. “She’ll wake up and he’ll be there, telling her she’s strong and she can make it. Being the perfect boyfriend.”
My eyes feel heavy as they once again flood with tears.
I wanted him to bemyperfect boyfriend, but why would he want a train wreck like me?
“I’m such a mess.”
So stop being one. You know how to do that.
“But I don’t want to go back to the way things were. I don’t want to be an intense study nerd again. I want a life. I want to enjoy my life.”
So do it. Enjoy it.
I nearly ask how, but I already know how. Enjoying life means doing the things you love, right?
So… what do I love?
“Grady,” I whisper, my lips rising into a sad smile. “I love being with Grady.”
But that’s not an option anymore, so what else? What else, Blake? Stay awake. Stay alert and THINK about it.
Blinking, I shake my head, trying to wake myself up and force my brain to comply.
What do I love?
What do I love?
“Nature,” I whisper. “I loved hiking with Grady.”
But it wasn’t just about Grady. It was about being in the woods. Watching… hearing… nature around me. I loved photographing it and studying it. I loved standing still and submerging myself, like I was becoming one with the forest.
That worked for me.
