Page 58 of What's a Duke Got to Do With It
But that all faded away when she turned to look at Sebastian. He was still wearing his riding clothes, the pale breeches and green-tailed frock coat and riding boots making him look incredibly dashing. Her breath stalled in her chest as she took him in. “Sebastian,” she breathed.
Before she could move forward and into his arms, however, the solemn expression in his eyes made her feet freeze to the floor. Alarm bells pealed in her head, discordant and jarring. Something was wrong.
And then he spoke her name, and his mournful tone was like a nail in a coffin.
“Katrina.”
She stared at him across the expanse of carpet, afraid to ask what had occurred, knowing it would be the end of whatever they had briefly shared. But nothing was going to stop the wheels of time from turning, no matter how she might wish it otherwise.
“I’ve heard from Miss Bridling’s father. He’ll be arriving on Synne in the next couple days.”
Miss Bridling. Of course. She swallowed hard, hugging her arms about her middle. How had she forgotten about Miss Bridling, and what she was to Sebastian?
But that did not take her long to figure out: she was in love with Sebastian, had given herself to him. Who in their right mind would wish to think of the man’s future wife at a time like that?
“I… see,” she managed.
“I did not expect it,” he continued, his voice sounding muffled, as if there were cotton in her ears. “I believed Bridling and I were to remain on Synne for perhaps a week or two more and then return to London. But it seems the baron has other plans.”
“You truly don’t need to explain it to me, Your Grace,” she mumbled. Legs shaking so violently she feared she would crumple on the spot, she sank down into the closest chair, fingers gripping tight to the arms. Nonetheless she tried for an uncaring smile as she looked his way. Or, rather, looked at his left ear, because there was no way she was going to be able to look him in the eye, not if she wanted to retain even an ounce of her fragile composure.
“This is for the best,” she continued, her voice reed thin. “We both have so much at stake, after all, and each moment spent in… intimacy threatens everything we are working for. In fact,” she continued a bit louder, seemingly unable to stop the word vomit escaping from her lips, “I was coming here to tell you it would be best if we were to stop all further private meetings. I need to repair my reputation, not shatter it into a million pieces. I am so very happy we’re of the same mind. It makes it so much easier for all involved don’t you agree—?”
He was kneeling before her in a moment. “I am sorry, Katrina,” he murmured in that same tender voice she had come to love, taking her hand in his. Her fingers must be incredibly chilled, for his fingers were like fire wrapped about her own.
She swallowed hard, looking down at their joined fingers, trying not to cry. “You’ve nothing to be sorry for, truly.”
“But I do,” he murmured. “You deserve so much better than this.”
“No, I don’t,” Katrina whispered bitterly without meaning to.
He sucked in a sharp breath. Then his finger hooked under her chin, raising her gaze to his. And the pain in his eyes nearly broke her.
“You do, Katrina,” he murmured hoarsely. “You deserve everything that is fine and good in life.”
But she only shook her head. He could repeat those same words over and over until his face turned blue, and she would never believe them.
“Katrina,” he breathed, the sound the same low, mournful lowing as the wind, his thumb rubbing against her jaw. The ache in her chest spread, until it nearly engulfed her. How she longed to lean into his touch, to close her eyes, to raise her lips to his.
But no, they could never indulge in something of that sort, ever again.
Jerking back from his touch, she dropped her gaze again. But not before she saw the flash of grief in his eyes. And she very nearly broke.
Now, however, was not the time to lose her composure. No, she could not do that, not until she was alone, where she might indulge her volatile emotions to her heart’s content.
“If you don’t mind, I actually need to return to my duties,” she said in as neutral a tone as she could manage, pushing to standing so quickly that Sebastian nearly lost his balance attempting to get out of her way. She moved to the desk in the corner, riffling through the papers there, hoping she looked like she actually knew what she was doing, and not what she wasactuallydoing, which was trying her hardest not to burst into tears.
“Lady Tesh has asked that I find something new to read to her,” she continued. “I fear she grows bored of the latest Sarah Burney and is looking for something new and exciting. I promised her I would locate her copies of theGaia Review and Repositoryso we might catch up on S. L. Keys’s serial. It’s all the rage, you know. It fairly oozes intrigue and excitement. Forbidden romance; betrayal; mystery and adventure. But I am rambling, aren’t I? And I don’t have time to ramble. Truly, I don’t have time for any further conversation, as you can imagine. Lady Tesh can be demanding. Not that I mind in the least. It is a joy to work for her. But I really must ask that you leave so I might do my job. You understand.”
“Of course,” Sebastian murmured. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him pause before finally heading for the door. She held her breath, trying to ignore the sharp pain in her chest as he reached for the latch.
Instead of heading out into the hall and leaving her in peace, however, he turned back to her.
“I just want you to be happy, Katrina. No matter what path your life takes, I just want you to be happy.”
And then he was out the door, closing it softly behind him.
Katrina stood behind the desk, staring at that door, numb inside and out. The sound of his boots on the hall floor faded, silence descending around her like a wet cloak, the only sound the incessant ticking of the mantel clock, and still she did not move. She had been a fool, a damn fool. Not for giving so much of herself to Sebastian. No, she could never regret being with him, loving him, so completely.
