Page 71 of The Accidental Beauty Queen
I want to swallow my words. I never wanted to hurt her. Not like this.
What’swrongwith me?
I thought I had a handle on things. Just last night, everything had seemed so clear. So wonderful. And now...
Now my twin is looking at me, and she’s seeing me.Reallyseeing me, and I’m ashamed.
“Tell me,” she whispers.
There’s an awful, aching pain in her voice, and I hate that I’ve put it there. Intellectually, I know it was really Adam’s doing, not mine. But my heart tells me otherwise.
I should have told her long ago. If I had, it wouldn’t have slipped out like this. I wouldn’t have hurled it at her like a weapon. But now I have, and there’s no going back.
“Tell me,” she says again. “Please.”
So I do.
I tell her everything, starting with the sinking feeling I had on the cruise, right on up to the conversation I overheard between Adam and his best man.
“He said he hoped he could ‘trade up.’ ” I drop my gaze. I can’t look her in the eye and say these things. “When his friend asked what he meant, Adam admitted the only reason he wanted to marry me was so he could spend more time with you. He hoped that once you got to know him, you’d fall in love with him and then you two could ride off into the sunset together.” Leaving me behind. Alone. No husband, no twin. Just me.
Ginny looks as though she might gag. She actually has a hard time swallowing before she can speak again. “That’s disgusting. And completely insane. I wouldneverdo that to you. Surely you know that.”
“I do, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.” I nod.
How am I having this conversation? Why am I not crying? I should be falling apart right now. Instead, I feel hollow. Numb.
“I think deep down, Adam knew it too. But if he married me, he was still getting the next best thing.”
Ginny shakes her head. “Don’t say that. You’re not the next best thing. We’re twins, but we’re also individual people. You deserve better than that.”
Do I?
I think about Gray and the fact that I still haven’t managed to tell him the truth about who I am. The only thing I know with any certainty right now is thathedeserves better.
Better than me. That’s a fact.
“Why didn’t you say anything? I don’t understand.” Ginny takes a deep, shuddering inhale. Then she frowns, and asks the one question I fear most. “Why are you telling me this now, after all this time?”
Because sometimes you act as if Iamsecond best.
I can’t say it, and at last I know why...
Because I’ve let her treat me that way. I’ve let her do it because I believed it myself.
Not anymore, though. I am no longer Ginny’s substitute. I’m not her shadow, nor am I the runner-up in our own private, twisted version of a beauty pageant. I am my own person. Charlotte Gorman.
I just wish I liked Charlotte as much as I used to.
18
After our argument, Ginny quietly resumes getting ready for the onstage-question portion of the prelims. Neither one of us says a word about whether I’ll remain in the pageant. I’m finished.
Truthfully, I no longer want to do it. I just want to get as far away from this mess as I can. The only thing stopping me from gathering Buttercup into my arms and running out the door is Gray.
I can’t leave without saying goodbye... without telling him the truth and explaining why I’ve let my lie get so out of hand. I have no idea when I’ll get to talk to him or what I’ll say. ButI’m sorryis probably a pretty good starting point.
I fold my things and place them into my suitcase, one at a time. I don’t have the heart to make Buttercup move, so I pile my things up around her while she curls into a ball and snores. Eventually, I’ll drag her out of my bag, but I can’t do it yet. I can’t bear to disappoint her. I’ve let down enough people already, myself included.
