Page 2 of Lost on Ice
After grabbing my stuff from my locker and zipping my winter coat up as far as it will go, as well as throwing my beanie over my two Dutch braids, I stalk through the snow-covered parking lot, the air frigid and biting. After snowing all day, it’s finally stopped falling, and I make it to my car relatively easily. Once in the driver's seat, I turn it on and try to keep my hands warm while my car heats up.
I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about going back to my old hometown as much as I can. Returning home with a kid no one but my dad knows about is something I amnotlooking forward to. I still have no idea what I’m going to say to Sophie when I see her. How do you tell your best friend that you had a secret baby and didn’t tell anyone you know but your dad and your ex-college roommate?
Hey, want to meet the reason I’ve been flaky and MIA the last three years?
Somehow, I don’t think that will go over well.Dad wasn’t happy that I kept my pregnancy a secret from him until I was states away—I can’t even imagine how Sophie will react. At least Dad’s been to visit frequently over the last couple of years. I feel guilty asking him to keep my secret, but I haven’t been ready to face the music quite yet.
By the time I pull up into the parking lot of Lilah’s daycare, I’m all worked up about going back home. I knew I’d have to go back to Ivy Glen eventually, but I was not prepared for the reality of it.
Braving the cold yet again, I run into the daycare center run by my friend from college, Beatrice. She’s actually the reason I came out here to begin with. Right around the time I found out I was pregnant, she reached out because she had heard about a great program to go from RN to nurse practitioner. Her sister,Tanya, works as a nurse on the pediatric floor of UHMC and mentioned it to her. Beatrice is a saint who didn’t mind sharing an apartment with me as a hormonal pregnant woman, and she scoffed when I mentioned moving out immediately after Lilah was born. She said that we were welcome to stay as long as we needed to, and we stayed until Lilah was a year old. Between the money I had saved on rent and the money I had put away from working at UHMC, I was not only able to rent my own place but also to afford day care as well.
I’m very lucky I had Beatrice to help me through that time. If I hadn’t… well, there’s no doubt in my mind that I wouldn't have had any choice but to move home. Being a single mom is hard enough, but add in work and the extra hours for the nurse practitioner program… it would have been impossible without her.
Once I reach Lilah’s classroom, I sign her out on the iPad next to the door.
“Mommy!” Lilah looks up immediately from her place on the floor, where she’s playing with blocks with a few other kids and her teacher.
“Hi, baby! Did you have a good day?” I beam at my two-and-a-half-year-old ray of sunshine with her blonde hair and blue eyes while I wave to her teacher. I grab her winter coat, hat, and gloves from her cubby on the wall as she runs on awkward feet and throws her arms around my legs.
“I play!” She smiles proudly and points at her creation on the floor. “Blocks!”
“Wow, that looks so good,” I praise, pulling on her coat and hat.
“Tank you, mommy.” Lilah gives me the cheesiest grin, then holds her hands up to me. “Hold you.”
“You want me to hold you?”
She keeps her hands up, and I lift her up, placing her on my hip while giving her a kiss on the cheek.
“Look! See daddy!” Lilah points to another parent who came in behind me.
My heart stutters at the word, guilt filling me at the fact that Lilah doesn’t know her own dad. It’s not even his fault I’ve kept her from him. Kept her from everyone who could tell him about her. It’s not fair to either of them, but I don’t even know if he would believe she’s his, let alone want to be in her life. I push the guilt down and give my girl a shaky smile. “Yes, that’s Silas’s daddy.”
The walk back to the car and getting her buckled in her car seat is a blur. The word “daddy” keeps echoing in my mind like a reminder of how badly I’ve failed my daughter.
While driving home, my mind races with thoughts of Jake and how different things might have been if he never ghosted me. It might not have ended any differently, to be honest. We had a friends-with-benefits situation going on for about a year before he stopped answering my texts. No warning, no explanation, just radio silence.
Really, I shouldn’t have expected anything more from him, but a silly, desperate part of me had hoped that he might eventually see me as more. More than a fling, more than a good time. That’s what I get for hooking up with someone I had feelings for back in high school.
I had really thought, back when we first hooked up, that I could keep my emotions separate. That I could keep myself from catching feelings when it was obvious he would never see me as a serious commitment. I knew what I was getting into. He was a player, and I was determined to keep my feelings separate from sex. I had thought that I had made my peace with it, determined to just enjoy the ride while it lasted.
And then he stopped messaging me.
And then I took a pregnancy test.
I still remember the gut-wrenching panic and fear that gripped me as I stared at the two pink lines on the stick. Jake… I knew he didn’t want kids. Hell, he didn’t even want a relationship, and that’s why we kept things casual… not that I had told him I wanted anything different. He had already cut contact at that point, and I figured he would think I was trying to trap him into something by telling him about the baby. That I was trying to get him to commit to me in a way that he never wanted. I refused for myself or my unborn child to ever be someone’s obligation. So when Beatrice told me about the nurse program, I left.
Thoughts of Jake still haven’t left my mind by the time we’re in our little one bedroom apartment, and I’m feeding Lilah dinner. I’m pretty sure he’s still playing for the Reapers in Boston. From what I understand, he’s never gotten along with his family, so I don’t think he’ll be in Ivy Glen if he can help it.
Since Jake is the best friend of my best friend’s husband, I’ve always known there would someday be an overlap, but I can try my damndest to avoid it as long as possible. For Lilah’s sake.
“Mommy! Rawr!” Lilah holds up a dino chicken nugget to my face.
“Ahh!” I hold up my hands in mock horror, shaken out of my stupor by Lilah’s antics.
“I save you!” She giggles as she bites the head of the nugget, and I laugh, holding my hand to my chest in fake relief.
“Oh, thank goodness. I was so scared.”
