Page 85 of Lost on Ice
Sucking in a deep breath, I turn back to Vivianne and murmur, “I’ve been keeping it a secret, but Jake is Lilah’s father.”
Vivianne smiles softly, not looking at all surprised.
“I thought so.” Her gaze grows tender again. “Why haven’t you told anyone?”
I drum my fingers faster against the cup. “Jake’s never been interested in being serious with me or having a family. We were just supposed to be casual. Then, he just stopped talking to me for seemingly no reason, and it really hurt…though, to be fair, I didn’t try to reach back out to him either.”
Vivianne sighs and nods. “I see. You and Jake have been spending so much time together lately, though. Don’t you think he suspects?”
I shrug. “He might have at first, but then I told him she wasn’t his daughter flat out. I was angry and it slipped out, but I don’t know how to take it back. If I can at all, that is.”
Vivianne reaches over and takes my hand, silencing my tapping fingers.
“You need to tell him,” she says firmly but gently. “You need to give him a chance to prove himself. If he doesn’t do the right thing, you’ll know once and for all that it was never going to work instead of living in fear of … well, of what-ifs.”
I smile at this.What-ifs,indeed. “Well…” But as I start to crack a joke, a tear rolls down my cheek instead. “It’s just… I just don’t want to be a burden…”
“You’ll never be a burden.” Her smile is soft. “You’ve always been so independent, but tell me, honestly, where does this sense of worry about being a burden come from?”
I nervously rub a hand along the back of my neck. “It’s just…when I moved to Harrisburg, I didn’t have anyone to rely on but myself. I was raising Lilah alone, and I guess I was so determined to make it work…to prove I didn’t really needanyone, especially Jake. Now, I feel like I should still be able to do it all on my own. That if I can’t, I’m a failure, and the idea of pushing my problems and sharing my responsibilities with other people will just make everyone want to…leave me.”
Fuck. I didn’t really mean to say all that, but the words just flowed out once I got started and I’m shocked by how completely true they are.
She tilts her head and regards me a moment. “Why do you think people will want to leave you?”
Staring at her, I suddenly realize what it is that I’ve been afraid to admit to myself for, well, pretty much my whole life.
“Because…my mom left.” Saying the words out loud stuns me. “Mom left me and Dad when I was just a kid, and I guess I’ve always worried that if the person who’s supposed to be biologically programmed to love you can leave, well… anyone can.”
“Oh sweetheart. I know your mom leaving you and your father has affected the both of you. Sometimes, we can’t always explain why people make the decisions they do. It’s not fair, I understand that, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of being loved. You are so loved, my dear. Not everyone will make the same choices in life, and the ones that make wrong choices…well, you’re not responsible for them. But the family and friends who do choose to stay by your side, those are the people worth loving and fighting for. People step up to help you because they want to, your dad included. You need to let them make their own decisions, including Jake. Whatever he chooses to do in the end isn’t your responsibility, but telling him the truth is.”
When she lays it out so plainly, it’s hard not to see that it’s the right thing to do.
The thought nearly makes me sob, but I manage to bite it back.
“You’re right,” I whisper. “I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep Lilah a secret from Jake. It’s not fair. He deserves to know everything. How I feel… how I’ve felt since high school. That I want us to be together, and that Lilah is his.”
If he doesn’t want us, Lilah and I will figure it out, but Vivianne is right. No more living in fear. No more feeling like a burden.
No more holding myself back from the life I truly want.
“Thanks, Vivianne,” I say, giving her a grateful smile. “Thanks for listening to me.”
“Anytime,” she replies. “I know you’ll be okay, no matter what happens. You’ve got all of us behind you.”
We stand and she gives me a hug, which I gladly accept. It’s been so long since I’ve been on the receiving end of motherly affection, I forgot how good it feels.
A few minutes later, I make my way out of the house and head toward my car. I need to get home so I can get dressed and ready for my night out with Sophie.
I check my reflection, smoothing out the skirt of my little black dress and making sure my cat-eye liner is symmetrical. Satisfied that I look ready for a night on the town, I hurry out of my bedroom to grab my purse off the kitchen counter.
Taking out my phone, I shoot Sophie a quick text.
Heading out! See you in ten!
I’m excited for this. For a night out where I can let loose and forget about everything for just a few hours.
Making my way out of my apartment, I double check the locks. I’ve been double and triple checking the apartment’ssecurity every time I leave, and before I come home, because my paranoia has been so sharp, but tonight I manage to walk away from the door without a backward glance, confident everything’s okay.
