Page 38 of Meet You Half Way
Jamie reached out as though to take my hand before seeming to think better of it and withdrew from me. I knew why he had done that but for one mad minute there I had wanted him to hold my hand, to take it in his larger one and let me know he was there for me. Even if we were in public and only ten minutes from home.
“You’re a great friend to Dante,” Jamie told me. “But at some point you have to stop living your life for other people and start living for yourself.”
“I know,” I sighed. “It’s just not the time for that right now. The firm would fold if I walked out right now and I can’t do that to Dante. I owe him a lot.”
“And I would dare say that he owes you a lot too,” Jamie pointed out, something I had not allowed myself to think about before. “I don’t know Dante all that well but from what you’ve said about him I would think that he might support you chasing after your hopes and dreams.”
“He probably would,” I agreed cautiously.
“But it’s not just Dante holding you back, is it?” Jamie guessed. How was I so transparent to him? I held my feelings and emotions very close to my chest but Jamie had this way of seeing things I didn’t normally let anyone else see.
“No, it’s not just Dante.”
“Your parents?”
“They have very strong views about a lot of stuff,” I reluctantly explained. “They are very traditional when it comes to family and masculinity and gender roles. They’ve let me know all my life what they think of people who veer outside of those strict parameters.”
“And is their opinion that important to you?” he asked gently.
I huffed out a desperate laugh. “That’s the crux of it really, isn’t it? I’ve lived my whole life trying to gain their approval and it’s so hard won. I’m exhausted. Working for Dante was the one thing they’ve ever been excited about. Well that and the time I tried dating a woman to please them but you can imagine how well that worked out.”
“What do you think would happen if you just told them?” he asked, not in a pushy way but a genuinely curious way.
“What, that I’m gay or that I want to quit working for Dante and take up modelling full time?” I scoffed.
“Both. Either one of those.”
“They would call me all sorts of effeminate names for wanting to be a model, none that I will repeat in public. And then they would likely cut me off from them and kick me out of the family if I told them I was gay.”
“Really? You think they’d act so extreme?” he asked.
“I know they would,” I told him. Because I’d heard them say the words many times, never directly aimed at me because I had lived my life so carefully I was sure they couldn’t have known about me. But I knew their views on the gay community. They had never been quiet about them either.
“That’s a really tough spot to be in,” Jamie mulled, his face contemplative. “But can I say something to you, Mateo?” I nodded and he pressed on. “You are worthy of being loved for who you are. I know that probably just sounds like a line out of a therapy manual but it is very true and something I think you need to hear. The people who love you will do so based on whoyou are, not who you pretend to be. Don’t be afraid of who you are. Because who you are is actually pretty great.”
My throat closed over as Jamie spoke, his words so kind and coming from a place of such authenticity that I could feel my eyes start to prickle. He let me be for the moment as I tried to wrestle my emotions back under control and take on board some of the words he’d said. I’d heard them all before of course but it was an impossibly hard thing to take on board when you’d been told all your life that people like me were wrong in the head and even in their very makeup.
“Do you have to go back to the office today?” Jamie asked, his voice soft and gentle.
I looked up at him, seeing the way he was looking at me with so much gentleness and kindness that I felt like I might cry all over again.
“Why? What do you have in mind?” I asked, trying to mask my feelings with a suggestive grin.
“Not that,” he laughed. “I just wondered if you wanted to come back to my place and hang for a bit? We could go for a walk on the beach, get some take away and eat at my place. Up to you.”
“Really?” I asked. I hadn’t expected an offer like that from him. I also knew that I was feeling raw enough to want to take him up on it, that I really was that desperate for human company that I would go take a walk on a beach with him even without the offer of sex in the mix. Who even was I?
“You are more than just your body, Mateo,” Jamie said. He wore a grin on his face but he was also serious enough to let me know he meant those words. It was just, I didn’t know if I could believe him. I’d never been more than a hot body or a pretty face to anyone, well, maybe with the exception of Nick. And Jamie.
“Okay,” I agreed, feeling the sides of my face lift in a smile. “Let me just shoot Dante a text that I’m taking the afternoon off.I don’t want him to rock up at the office like he did last time we went back to your apartment.”
“Really?” Jamie laughed.
“Oh yeah. That was a fun grilling about where I was and who I was meeting. Although I’m pretty sure if I mention I’m meeting with you he’ll tell me to take the entire week off. You have a bit of a fan club back home.”
“Do I? Well that’s certainly nice to know,” he grinned.
“You know, sometimes I think Dante knows about me,” I said as I punched out the text.
