Page 63 of Meet You Half Way
“Looks like the path to what you really want to do is opening up for you,” I said.
“Looks like it.”
I took a sip of my coffee, watching him do the same. I sucked in a shaky breath before I spoke. “So, you owe me a date.”
Mateo huffed another laugh, something I realised I was hearing a lot more of lately. “I was wondering if you had forgotten.”
“Never,” I assured him. “I was thinking maybe I could take you out this Saturday. Somewhere classy and sophisticated, a little like you.”
“I promise I’m not backing out of our agreement,” Mateo replied, “but I’m actually going to be up in Sydney this weekend. I have another shoot.”
“Oh,” I said, disappointment hitting me square on the shoulders. “You never said.”
“Ah, sorry. Had a lot on my mind lately.”
I mulled his comment for the moment, knowing that was true. “You know, I could come up with you to Sydney again? I had fun the last time and maybe I could take you out afterwards.”
Mateo shifted nervously in his seat and I felt a little tug of warning in my gut.
“I um, I’m actually going up with Rob and Nick,” he told me, that little warning signal flaring even brighter. But it wasn’t the fact he hadn’t told me he was going up to Sydney with Nick that was making that lead sink in my stomach. It was the fact he couldn’t look me in the eye when he said it, almost like he knew he had to hide his feelings from me.
I sucked in a breath of air, knowing the little conversation I’d been shying away from had suddenly jumped up the priority list.Kelly had urged me to talk to Mateo and Bill had now too. I just wasn’t sure I was ready for this and I sure as hell wasn’t ready for Mateo’s response. But I had to say it anyway. I had to know.
“And what is it that you’re hoping to achieve out of a weekend away with Nick?” I asked, leaning back in my seat to give myself a little distance.
“What do you mean by that?” Mateo asked, those walls I had managed to breach suddenly back up.
“I mean, are you going up to Sydney with him as his friend? Or are you still clinging to hope that he might love you again?”
There. The words were out between us and I couldn’t take them back even as I watched Mateo’s face pale and I wished I could kiss him instead.
“I … I don’t know,” Mateo admitted. “I haven’t really thought about it all that much lately. I’ve had so much other stuff going on that I don’t really know where my head is at.”
“Think about it now,” I pressed, knowing I needed something from him.
“That’s … that’s not fair, Jamie,” he replied. “I’ve always been honest with you about Nick. Maybe if I just had a bit of time to think …”
“You need time to think about whether you’re still in love with Nick?” I asked, trying to keep myself calm when part of me wanted to shout. Or cry.
“Yes. No. I mean, I don’t know,” Mateo answered, sinking down in his seat. “I don’t know, Jamie. I don’t have an answer for you right now. I know you deserve one but I just …”
“It’s okay, Mateo,” I told him, watching as his eyes lifted to mine, saw the anguish in them. I knew I could have just left it there, knew I could have just coasted along with this undefined, uncommitted relationship or whatever it was we were doing.
But I just couldn’t. I had too much self-respect for that. I’d been here before and I knew it never ended well for me. I alwaysgave too much of myself and then had the audacity to expect it back. When would I learn I couldn’t do half measures?
“You can have the time you need,” I told him, defeat heavy on my heart. “But I’m not going to just keep waiting around, hoping that one day you’ll pick me. That one day you’ll see me as something other than your second choice. I’ve spent a lot of time these past few months trying to get you to know how worthy you are of love. Of both giving it and receiving it. And I’m hopeful that you will eventually see how much you have to offer someone.
“But you know what? I’m worthy of it too, Mateo. I’m worth having someone who will fight for me the way I’ll always fight for him. I’m worthy of having someone love me back the way I’ve fallen in love with him. I’m worth not being the consolation pick.”
“Jamie, I … that’s not how I …” he stammered, face paling even more. He reached out a shaky hand to where mine was resting on the table but paused before he got there, the weight of public scrutiny still insurmountable for him.
“I know that’s not what you intended,” I replied, trying to assure him while I kept my emotions in check. “And I know it’s not your fault. About Nick. You have been honest with me the whole time and I guess, well, I guess I just hoped that we’d built something between us that might have meant as much to you as it does to me. Because I feel I’ve been just as honest with you this whole time that I don’t do casual. I do relationships and commitment and I’ve tried to be so patient with you because I really thought we had something here, Mateo.
“You know I’ll never get in the way of your friendship with Nick and I don’t expect you to ever choose between us. But I can’t keep doing this, Mateo. It’s not fair to me.”
Mateo said nothing, his face blank but his eyes bereft. Eventually he nodded, agreeing with me on that point at least.The look in his eyes, those dark, inky orbs was swirling with emotions as he watched while I rose to my feet. I reached across to his hand, daring to squeeze it just once before dropping it, enjoying that last moment of his warmth.
And then I did the hardest thing I had ever done in my life.
