Page 88 of Fever Dream
“You shouldn’t have to take the week off, Harry. That’s not fair,” I protest.
“I know it’s not fair, Casey. But you were there today. You saw how much of a distraction our … relationship is to the club. I can’t be the reason for that, Casey. It’s not fair to the club either, not when they’re just starting to get things together this year. I don’t want to stand in the way of the club.”
“Harrison, this is going to blow over,” I argue. “It’s today’s news and yeah okay, everyone was distracted by it today. But they’ll get over it.”
Harrison sighs. I feel it in my gut. “Maybe they will. Maybe they won’t,” he says. He sounds so utterly defeated and all I want to do is pull him back into my arms, but he steps away from me, creating more space between us. I don’t follow. “I just … we need some space from this. I didn’t mean to drag you out like this. I know it’s not fair to you either.”
“It’s also not fair to you, Harrison,” I add because he seems to be placing far too much blame on his shoulders.
“I know. But this really is not the type of thing that is going to blow over. Be real for a minute, Casey. How many other openly queer players are there in the league?”
I’m silent as I watch where his thoughts have taken him. I’m silent because there are no other players I can name. I know there must be some out there. Statistics would support that argument but it’s telling that even if there are, they have chosen to remain silent.
“Have you really considered what this will mean for you, Casey? What this will do to your career? What it could do to theclub? The league?” he presses, unwanted reality coming out to take a chunk out of my idealised future.
“I don’t care,” I whisper, but the wind has gone out of my sails. “I don’t care about all that.”
“WellIcare,” he replies, leaving no room for argument in his tone. “Icare about you and your career. And I care about the Fever. I care enough to be able to recognise how much of a huge risk you seem to be walking into blindly.”
“I’m not blind, Harrison. I get it,” I return with a bit more sting.
“Okay. Good,” he sighs. “Then please, respect that I need to have space here, Casey.Please. I’m doing this for your sake even though I know you don’t agree. Please just take some time so you can really think this through.”
“I’ve already thought this through—”
“Please, Casey,” he chokes, emotions brimming in those chestnut eyes I have come to love so much. He says it with so much heart and feeling that I know I’m going to agree even though I feel my heart breaking with each second that passes. “Just, think about this, please.Reallythink about this. About whether you truly think you can live this way with all this attention on you, on every aspect of our relationship. It will always be there, Casey. That will not go away.”
“Okay, Harrison,” I concede softly. It gives me no joy but I can see how much he means what he says. So I’ll give him the space he thinks we need, and I’ll do what he asks. Even if it will break my heart to walk out of this apartment alone.
“Thank you,” he says, just holding back the emotions that threaten to spill over. I am not as successful, one lone tear leaking down my cheek that I do nothing to stop.
Harrison looks at me, so much sorrow and tenderness in those eyes like he already knows I’m not going to choose him. Like he thinks my career is more important to me than him.I know he doesn’t want to hear it right now, not with all these emotions and outside attention on us so I just nod, heart breaking in two. Then I turn and head for the door.
He doesn’t stop me.
CHAPTER 31
casey
Sonny arrives on my doorstep later that afternoon. I let him in and he hugs me for so long that I already know Harrison must have sent him my way. The fact that Harrison cares enough to know that I will be going insane in my head right now settles something in me even though I want to rage at the same time.
“Did Harrison send you?” I ask anyway.
“Yeah,” Sonny grimaces as he pulls away.
“What did he say?”
“Just sent me a text asking me to please look after you for him,” he says. “I figured that meant maybe things weren’t great between you?”
“I don’t know what they are, Sonny,” I say, fighting back the tears that I have been unsuccessful in holding at bay today. “He asked for space so I’m giving it to him. But he didn’t give me a timeline so I don’t even know what that means. I don’t even know if we’re still together.”
“And I can imagine that’s giving your brain quite an aneurism,” Sonny says with the kind of sympathy that shows he knows exactly how I operate.
“It’s like a sad, manic carnival up there,” I tell him. “With scary clowns and all.”
“Come on then,” Sonny says, pushing me towards the door. “I’ve got something planned that will keep you occupied for a bit.”
“Where are we going?” I ask, tugging on my shoes and grabbing my phone and keys.
