Page 1 of Letting Go
Chapter one
Vivian
Double-checking to make sure I have everything, I toss the keys in my purse and head to the foyer as a soft knock interrupts my thoughts announcing our beloved babysitter’s arrival. “You’re a lifesaver, Abby! Eloise is still sleeping, but I need to grab a few last-minute things from the store before Trent gets home from the hospital.”
“No problem, Mrs. Stone. She’s the easiest kid, and I brought my Kindle to keep me company until sleeping beauty joins her own party.” Abby has babysat Eloise since we moved into the building two years ago and thankfully is home from college on school break. Abby’s parents, Jill and Greg, are not only wonderful neighbors but have also become good friends of ours over the years.
“We’re more than happy for you to babysit whenever you’re available. Eloise adores you and we definitely miss you.” I give Abby a quick hug before I slide on my navy puffer coat and pull my wavy blonde hair over one shoulder. Having grown up in the South, I may never get used to the chilly winters in Chicago. So far, February has been brutally cold, and spring feels so far away.
“I’m happy to spend time with my favorite kiddo while I’m home on break.” Abby grins and waves goodbye, once again reminding me how she still looks like she is barely sixteen, let alone almost twenty.
“We’ll catch up more when I get back. Text me if you need anything.” I slip out the door and wait for the elevator. It’s justafter 8 a.m. and I hope to return in less than an hour, which should give me plenty of time to be back for the birthday cake delivery. I already pushed back the delivery time so we could start celebrating Eloise’s birthday immediately after Trent’s shift, also eliminating the battle of keeping her away from the cake until then. Eloise is going to be ecstatic when she sees her perfectly pink birthday cake.
As I ride the elevator down to the lobby, I check my phone and frown. There still aren’t any new texts or calls from Trent, but he must still be in surgery. I’m not surprised I haven’t heard from him since midnight, but I was hoping he would be home at a reasonable time this morning, if only to make Eloise happy. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, hoping today is a good day. Honestly, we all need a good day after the last few months—or six—but my daughter deserves the best day. She only turns four once, and I’ll do whatever I can to make it special for my girl. Even if Trent and I need to pretend like we’re fine … although everyone knows when a woman says something is fine, it’s usually anything but.
It might feel nice to only need to fake it a little today; lately, it feels like everything is just so hard between us. It never used to be like this. We were the couple always in a good place. We were great friends, had a wonderful relationship, fantastic chemistry, and he would take my breath away just by walking into a room.
Until this last year.
The changes were slight at first, minor things really, but one morning I realized my husband hadn’t kissed me goodbye in months. He always used to kiss me goodbye, even if he was leaving for a 6 a.m. surgery. At a time in life when we should turn toward each other, I feel like he’s turning away from me, and maybe even intentionally.
My husband and I had very different childhoods. I grew up surrounded by a close—sometimes too close—family with five siblings in a small town where everyone knew everyone.While not perfect, my parents loved each other fiercely and showed the six of us what it meant to be a loving partner.
Trent’s childhood lacked that type of stability. He never met his father, and he moved around a lot with his mother. By the time he graduated high school, the two of them had lived in six cities throughout four different states. When he lost his mother at nineteen, Trent lost the only significant relationship in his life.
But then we met, and he was no longer alone. Since our first date fourteen years ago, I always thought I was his tether, and he was my rock.
Maybe I underestimated our foundation if one terrible storm in life is all it took to flip everything upside down. Plenty of marriages go through the tragedy of experiencing a miscarriage and are able to come out stronger than before. I’m doing everything I can to get us through this, but it doesn’t feel like enough.
I once read an article about medical professionals processing grief when it’s a regular part of their careers. Our loss wasn’t a situation he could control or help, and as a surgeon, he thrives on being in control and loathes when any situation is out of his hands. I make a mental note to talk to him about this on our next date night, but then I realize I can’t remember the last time we even had a date night.
If I could somehow magically fix everything, we wouldn’t be here, but if I had that kind of control, Eloise would celebrate her birthday today with her baby brother trying to steal the spotlight. Thinking of my sweet angel requires a deep breath as I try to focus on the present, tucking the grief away deep in my heart. I need to do whatever I can to make today joyful. While I carry that loss every day, today my focus needs to be on Eloise.
I take another deep inhale, trying to refocus on the good in life right now. I repeat the mantra my therapist taught me: “Focus onthe good, be intentional with my thoughts, and control what I can.”
If I have time, I’ll swing by the coffee shop a few blocks out of my way that has Trent’s favorite espresso. Eloise loves their blueberry scones, and great coffee always makes the day a little better.
The elevator dings as it opens to the lobby. I walk toward the front doors as our kindly doorman, Larry, calls out my name, “Mrs. Stone? Can you come over here for a moment, please?” I turn and notice two police officers standing at the front desk with Larry.
“Good morning, ma’am, are you Mrs. Vivian Stone?” the older officer asks in a thick Chicago accent. The younger officer standing next to him pulls on his collar and wipes his brow with the back of his hand.
“Yes, that’s me. How can I help you, officers?”
“Mrs. Stone, I’m Officer Mullens and this is Officer O’Grady. I’m terribly sorry, ma’am, but there’s been an incident, and your husband is at Fairview Hospital.”
“Yes, he’s a cardiologist there. Did something happen at the hospital? Is he okay?” I look back and forth between the two officers waiting for one of them to explain what's going on.
Officer O’Grady shuffles his feet and looks anywhere but at me as Officer Mullens steps closer, gently placing his hand on my elbow. “Ma’am, your husband was shot earlier this morning. He’s at the hospital as a patient, not as a doctor.”
My knees give out and my stomach lurches as I sit in a chair I didn’t even know was there. “Shot? What? Are you sure? Dr. Trent Stone?”
“Yes, ma’am, I’m sorry. If you’ll come with us, we’ll get you there as fast as possible. We really shouldn’t waste any time, Mrs. Stone.” I nod and stand to follow the officers, noticing Larry’s eyes tearing up. The silence in the lobby is jarring as I follow them out to theirpatrol car. I try calling Trent, but it goes to voicemail, so I send him a text message.
Me
911. Trent, please call me ASAP. There must be a mistake, but I’m riding with the police on my way to Fairview. This is not a joke, call me immediately please!!
My last text from him was at 12:10 a.m.:
