Page 30 of Letting Go
Walker
Damn, sorry to hear that. Is there anything I can do to help?
Me
I wish. We just keep trying all the things, you know? Something has to eventually work. I’m exhausted but at least she’s happy. I’m just waiting for MK to join us with her kids at the park.
Walker
I’m just about to step into a meeting. I hope you have a good rest of the day, even if tired. Have fun with your friend.
Me
Thanks, Walker. Talk to you soon.
The smile that spreads across my face from texting with him is almost as energizing as the coffee I just finished.
After Eloise has gone down the slide for the fifth time, I hear the friendly, “Hey girls!” from the small parking lot next to the park. MK waves as her four kids run over to join Eloise on theplayground. She has her long blonde hair up in a ponytail today and is wearing the mom uniform of shorts, a vintage T-shirt of some 80s rock band, and flip flops—an outfit that she makes look effortlessly cool. She is effortlessly cool though, I think she could pull off a paper bag and make it look cute.
“If you were already at the park at 7:35 a.m., then my littlest bestie must have had you up with the roosters today,” MK says as she pulls me in for a quick hug. We take a seat on the shaded park bench while our kids play together. “Would you have done this in Chicago?” MK asks.
“What do you mean? Go to a park?” I ask.
“No, I mean meet up with friends at the park before 8 a.m. on a Wednesday,” MK replies as she slides her sunglasses up to sit on the top of her head.
“Probably not. The friends we had in Chicago were always much more work than that, everything had to be planned well in advance. Most of them had nannies full-time so if we were to get together without the husbands or families, they usually wouldn’t even have their kids with them,” I tell her as I watch Eloise giggle at something MK’s son did.
“Hmm. Well, then I guess I don’t have to worry too much about convincing you that this move home should be permanent.” MK nudges my shoulder with a small smile.
“I don’t think you have to twist my arm.” I lean into her shoulder in response. “It’s been so nice to have easy moments like this and the support of my family. If I need a break or need to deal with something I don’t want Eloise overhearing, I have a list of people to call. I didn’t have that in Chicago, I had our neighbor Jill and her daughter when she was home from college, but everything—and I mean everything—required planning.” I pause as I think back to my life in Chicago. “Really everything in my life was a lot of work,from childcare to my marriage. The only thing that came easy was loving my little girl.”
MK hums and we sit in silence for a moment before she asks, “Are you at a place where you’re comfortable talking about that a little more? I haven’t wanted to push since the funeral, but you know I have questions.” MK looks at me with sincere eyes.
I sigh before answering. I knew this would come eventually. “I know, and I appreciate you giving me space and not bombarding me with questions when I was drowning. What do you want to know?”
MK takes a deep breath and pauses before answering, “Well, two things specifically. One, what was the true state of your marriage before everything went down?”
“And the other thing?”
She tilts her head. “It’s related I guess, but did you have any inkling about the affair beforehand? I can’t remember you ever raising any concerns before everything happened, but I feel like you would’ve mentioned it during one of our phone calls if you thought something was going on.”
A humorless chuckle escapes me. “Isn’t that the million-dollar question? Ugh. Okay, so to your first question, things were … not great. After we had the miscarriage, I feel like we somehow lost a piece of us. Or maybe I just thought we were stronger than we really were. I definitely took the loss harder than he seemed to, and I think that also made me angry at him that he wasn’t more affected,” I answer honestly.
“Honey, I’m sure he was affected, but how did things change between y’all?” MK asks, and I know it’s free of any judgment.
“We became strangers in a lot of ways. When we were together, we fought more often than not, so I found it easier to just avoid him. Looking back, I wonder if he was also avoiding me as he became more invested in his affair. I haven’t told anyone else this,but the last three months before he died … he slept in the guest room more than our bedroom,” I tell MK as I watch Eloise play tag with MK’s kids. “And even when he was in our bedroom, we were only sleeping. There was no affection, no romance, no connection. I couldn’t even tell you the last time I kissed him, but it was long before he died. In hindsight, I think our marriage was dying long before he actually died. But I didn’t want to quit, you know? I thought Eloise deserved better than parents that gave up on each other because life got hard. I think I felt guilty too because I knew my grief made things harder for us.”
“Maybe. But maybe you deserved better than that too, you know?” MK squeezes my hand. “You won’t admit it to yourself yet, but as your friend, I’m going to tell you until you believe it. Honey, you deserved way better, even before taking into consideration the lack of support he was giving you as you grieved your son.”
“I don’t know if it’s because he was a doctor, but he never referred to him as his son or our baby, did you know that? He would just call it ‘the miscarriage’ or ‘the fetus’ but when I was sixteen weeks pregnant, it was a lot more than just a bad period. In addition to the emotional parts of everything, there was physical pain, but moms don’t really get sick days,” I admit without looking at MK.
“You mentioned a few weeks ago that Liam was going to look into things for you. Was he able to figure out how long Trent was having the affair?”
“I initially thought it started after we lost our son, but Liam did whatever Liam does and found out all kinds of information after Trent’s death. I don’t know a specific date, but Liam told me there’s evidence Trent was having an affair with her for at least four years, but it’s quite possible it went longer than that as some of his digital records were lacking.” MK’s mouth drops in shock as Ishare that information. “I know, that’s pretty bad, huh? I assumed he started the affair because of how I was handling or not handling the loss, but apparently … I wasn’t enough for a long time before even that.” This is the first time I’ve voiced these thoughts that have been churning in my head and heart for some time.
MK takes a drink of her coffee before asking me, “Can we play the what-if game?” I nod. “What if you found out about the affair but Trent hadn’t been killed. What would you have done?”
“I’ve thought about that, especially with everything my parents went through.” The struggles my parents went through are common knowledge in Forrest Falls. When you live in a small town, privacy is an illusion, so when Daddy strayed it wasn’t a secret for long. No one was brave or decent enough to tell Mama until word got back to one of her best friends, who immediately let Mama know. It’s also common knowledge that Mama and Daddy both fought for their marriage, and they really were happy that last decade before her death. They were stronger for it, even if it was hard to get to that point.
