Page 73 of Letting Go
I want it all, and I want it all with her.
Chapter forty-one
Vivian
I finish her mermaid braid as Eloise bounces with excitement. “Mama, can I go? Please? Please? Livy, Emily, and Lucy are probably already claiming their spots! Did you know how much candy Uncle Jack was bringing tonight?” Eloise never wants to miss out on a fun time, especially when her uncles are hosting a movie night pizza party for only the uncles and nieces.
“Yes, baby. I know you’re excited, but I needed to finish your hair. I think you are good to go,” I tell her as she hops off the kitchen stool and runs to grab her favorite princess blanket to scoot out the door. They must all be waiting for Eloise in the patio area as girly screams of joy bombard the guest house’s small living room when she opens the front door. “Got it, bye Mama! Love you!” Eloise yells over her shoulder before slamming the door after herself. I should probably tell her to close the door softer, but it’s so nice to see her just being a typical kid who is excited about something good. Odds are pretty good that she will end up falling asleep in Shane and Savannah’s theater room before the movie is even over, which wouldn’t be the first time.
The guest house isn’t large but there always seems to be something to organize or clean with a very active four-almost-five-year-old. My living room, dining area, and kitchen are all connected and open so if one area is messy, every area feels in disarray. I continue tidying up the kitchen while smiling, knowing my baby is making happy core memories tonight with my brothersand her cousins. It sure would be nice if it were possible for me to create enough happy memories to overshadow her hard memories of the last year. That may not be how it works but that won’t stop me from trying to give her as much good as possible.
I grab a random hair tie off the counter and throw my long hair up in a loose bun on the top of my head. Some days my hair is a little wavy, some days it’s straight, and some days it’s just wild. Today has been a wild day and I’m done fighting it. Picking up my phone, I turn on the satellite radio to my favorite country station to stream throughout the house.
As I close and start the dishwasher, a soft double knock at my front door gets my attention. I glance at the screen of the smart speaker on the kitchen counter, seeing it’s one of my brothers I holler, “Come on in!”
Jack walks in looking content with his trademark smile, which is a nice reprieve from the dark circles I saw under his eyes last time. When he’s with our family, it’s one of the only scenarios where he allows himself to let his guard down, instead of the poised, polished, grumpy billionaire the public expects of him.
“Hey, Vivian. How’s it going?” Jack shuts the door before striding over to engulf me in the wonderful bear hugs my big brother gives his sisters. I’m not necessarily short at five-foot-seven but Jack is forced to bend down to properly hug me at almost six-foot-four. As he wraps his arms around me, I realize he must be the same height, if not very close, as Walker. After our night together, I’ve given up trying to not think about Walker and find myself thinking about him multiple times in a day.
“Hey there Jack, I’m good. How are you doing?” I step back with a grin. “Do you already need a break from the screaming girls?” I tease my brother. He’s single and doesn’t have kids yet and while I’m sure he will be a great dad one day, he’ll need to learn to let go of the control he holds so tightly to everything in his life.Although that tight control has also probably contributed to the wild success of his streaming company. I thought when he turned forty last year that he would be ready to settle down, but so far, he hasn’t brought anyone around the family since college.
“I think our brothers can handle the Fearsome Foursome for a few minutes.” He laughs.
Gasping, I’m taken aback at the idea of our sweet girls being fearsome. “Oh no, is that their nickname now?”
“Did you know Olivia got a new set of nail polish? It has twenty-four colors, including five different shades of purple. I didn’t know there were five shades of purple, Viv. But I’m sure Ryan and Finn can model their toenails for you later tonight to show you each shade,” Jack replies with a raised eyebrow.
“I know. Who do you think bought her the new set?” I point to myself with a laugh and wink at my big brother. “Have a seat, can I get you anything to drink?”
“I wouldn’t say no to a cold beer if you have one.” Jack folds his tall body as he sits on the cream overstuffed sectional. I grab two beers out of the fridge and pop the tops off before joining him.
Jack takes his beer and lifts it in my direction before taking a drink. “I feel like I haven’t had a chance to check in with you lately, so I just wanted to pop in and see how you’re doing, like really doing.” Jack lowers his chin and despite not having children, throws the perfect dad look at me.
I take a drink of my own beer as I ponder his question instead of giving a knee jerk response. “I think it’s fair to say I’m alright overall.” He cocks his head and raises an eyebrow at me. I know he isn’t going to accept surface level answers right now. “There are moments and maybe even entire days that are good. They’re like a breath of fresh air and keep me going because there are other moments or days where I feel like I’m still holding my breath.”
Sipping on my beer, we sit in silence for a few moments before I take a deep breath and continue, “With Eloise turning five next month, it also means Trent will have been gone an entire year. I refuse to call that day the anniversary of his death, I won’t sully Eloise’s birthday like that but unfortunately those two events are now forever intertwined, which honestly, really pisses me off, Jack.”
“It sucks for Eloise that it’s the same date, and I think it’s more than fair to be pissed off about a lot of things regarding Trent’s death.” Jack scowls and I know he’s including Trent’s affair in that statement. “I heard someone say the other day at Java Jive that they thought they saw the famous actress Elena in town. You don’t know anything about that do you? I hope it was the actual actress and not the she-devil doppelganger you slapped, which I’m still mad I didn’t get that recorded for posterity.”
“That makes two of us on both accounts. Let’s hope it was just a coincidence and Bianca Bishop stays in Boston forever. I hope I never have to see her again.” I’m still hurt by the discovery of the fact that my marriage was over way before he died. It may have taken me a while to see it that way, but therapy and time have helped to put it in perspective for me. “Our marriage was over before his last breath; I just wasn’t aware of it yet. But this last year, I’ve had to try to navigate losing my husband while being made a fool in front of everyone in our life.”
“I never thought you were a fool, Viv. If anyone was a fool, it was Trent. He had the best wife and mother to his child, and an incredible child, yet he chose to betray you both. That’s on him, not on you, darlin’,” Jack assures me. “You know none of us think you were a fool, so you can stop thinking that when it was on him.”
“That’s just it though, isn’t it? He chose to betray and lie to me. Sure, he never chose to be shot and killed, right? But his choices put him in front of that hotel on that morning.” I shrug. “Iknow we were in a rough patch after losing our son, but I never thought we were anywhere near over. Even when I asked Liam to find out everything he could about the affair after Trent’s funeral, I was still shocked when he told me the affair had actually been going on for years. That information, it just … shifted something inside me. Maybe it should have devastated me more, but I think it actually freed me a little. I think before Liam told me that, there was a part of me that blamed myself for his cheating,” I admit.
Jack’s head jerks back in disbelief. “How would it ever be on you?”
“Because of how hard I was grieving, and how different we processed the loss. I assumed I pushed him to Bianca because I was in such a dark place. But when I found out it had gone on so much longer than that, it released me from the guilt.” I pause before admitting something that very few people know. “Trent was cheating on me when I thought we were doing great. There’s a good chance he was cheating even before Eloise was born and I never, ever would have suspected that.”
“What an asshole. I wish I was able to have a conversation with him and my fists about that. Regardless of when he started the affair, it isn’t on you, sweetheart. You guys may have had issues in your marriage, but he didn’t fight for you, instead he chose to break his wedding vows,” Jack growls.
“My therapist helped me realize that I can only control my actions and reactions. I can’t control the choices he made, but I can control what I do with what I know now. I’ve had to process a lot of anger and betrayal. I’m sure it will be an ongoing process, but once I accepted the fact that our marriage was over before his death, it lightened the emotional load I was carrying.”
“How so?” Jack takes another sip of his beer.
“Well, I guess I was no longer grieving the love of my life,” I admit out loud for the first time to someone other than my therapist.Jack’s eyebrows shoot up as he looks confused at that statement. “I was grieving my former lover and—”
“Nope. Full stop. Absolutely not. Please do not ever say lover to your big brother in any context,” Jack shakes his head as he interrupts me and then takes a big gulp of his beer.
