Page 74 of Letting Go
“Ha, fair. Okay, I was grieving someone I loved,” Jack nods his appreciation at my choice of wording, “and used to trust. I was grieving the father of my daughter. I had to grieve for my daughter’s loss, along with the fact that she was going to grow up without him. But he couldn’t have been the love of my life, because the love of my life would never have betrayed me like he did.”
“Not that I don’t agree, but would you say that about our parents? Daddy cheated on Mama, and he was the love of her life,” Jack challenges me.
“He did,” I agree. “Lord knows everyone knows he cheated, but then he fought for their marriage. He fought for her. Maybe when he was cheating on her, he wasn’t behaving like the love of her life, but when he changed his ways, fought, did the work, and continued to show up for her and their marriage, I think he earned that right. Ultimately the choice was up to Mama though, and she chose to fight with him for their marriage, continuing to choose him, even when it was hard. He was the love of her life because she chose him back.”
“And you didn’t choose Trent?” Jack asks.
“No, I thought I did at one point but knowing what I know now, even if he hadn’t been killed, we wouldn’t be together today if his affair had come to light. Life isn’t always black and white, as you know, there can be a lot of gray in a lot of areas of life. Cheating one night when you’re drunk and out making dumb decisions is one thing, but cheating by choosing to have an ongoing, years long affair is an entirely different thing. He made his choices and I get to make mine even if they’re too late to change anything.” I sighand shake my head. “So, if I remove the very significant fact that he was killed from the emotional process and just grieve the loss of my marriage while understanding he chose someone else over me, it makes it so much easier to get over him. His death is another layer of grief, but the sting is different once I accepted he wasn’t the love of my life.”
“You deserve so much better than that, Viv,” Jack tells me as he shakes his head.
“I do, and you know what? I think it’s out there for me. I may even be closer than I ever thought to having just that. But I know it wasn’t Trent. I want Eloise to see her mama in a relationship where we both choose each other,” I say as I can’t help but think of choosing a certain Special Agent with deep mahogany eyes. “And when that happens, it’ll be the first time in her life that she will see that, and that’s sad. That’s sad that for four years, I thought she had the best.”
“She did though,” Jack responds.
“What do you mean?” I ask as I scrunch my eyebrows.
“She had the best. She had and continues to have the best mama in the world. I mean it, Viv. The way you have handled everything, especially over this last year, has been incredible. As your big brother, it’s been hard to not be able to fix things for you or protect you better from everything,” he admits with a sad smile. “I always knew you were strong, but I had no idea you were this strong. You love that little girl so well. You give her the best you can and do the best for her every single day. I’m proud of you and I know Mama would be too.” Jack pulls me into a side hug. “And when, not if Viv, but when the day comes that someone is worthy of being given the opportunity to choose you two, I know you will make sure he’s the best too.”
I don’t even try to hide the tears that have filled my eyes at his kind words. “Thanks, Jack. I appreciate that a lot. And in caseI haven’t said it recently, thank you for everything you’ve done for Eloise and me the last year. I know you can’t fix everything, but you’ve done everything possible to help support and love us. I wouldn’t want to imagine the last year without you guys having our backs.”
“Of course, the Callahan Cavalry shows up, right?” I nod in response. “That’s right. I love you Viv, and I will always be here for you and Eloise, no matter what. She may have lost her daddy, but she has four uncles that are always in her corner, and ready to do whatever we can for her as though she were our own baby girl.”
I know they are nice words, but I also know my big brother means them. I nod as the emotion swelling in my heart prevents me from saying anything back to my brother. I swipe a few tears with the back of my hands, but for once these tears aren’t of grief but of gratitude. Jack would move heaven and earth for Eloise and me if either of us needed anything. He’s the ultimate protector and I’m so fortunate to not only have him as one of my big brothers but to know Eloise has him as one of her wonderful uncles.
“And if a little bird is to be believed, she and her mama may have someone else in their corner sooner rather than later?” Jack’s tone elevates, both questioning and accusing me, paired with a raised eyebrow.
“Why, I’m sure I have no idea what you are talking about, Jack.” I try to give him my best innocent look.
“That didn’t work for me when you were little and it doesn’t work now, go ahead and pack your big doe eyes away, Viv. Olivia told me she saw you all dressed up the other night and Eloise had a sleepover with her and the girls in the theater room because you didn’t come home until after breakfast the next day, ma’am. Would you like to share what you were up to that evening or where you spent the night, perhaps?” Jack looks at me expectantly, but this isnot the first time one of my brothers has interrogated me about my love life. And I’m not foolish enough to engage in his questions.
“It sounds like I need to have a conversation with my darling niece about girl code.” I completely bypass his question. Jack’s phone vibrates, and he checks it to see a text letting him know the pizza has arrived. Saved by the buzz.
“You’re lucky the food is here, but this conversation isn’t over, Vivian Grace. Finish your beer and let’s head over. We decided to allow you and Savannah to join us for pizza but when dinner is over, we’re kicking you two out of the house,” he says with a mock serious face.
“Oh no, you’re forcing us to leave the house kid free? Whatever shall we do?” I laugh in response.
“Cocktails on the back patio at O’Dell’s sounds like a nice way to kill a few hours. We will drop y’all off and pick you up when you’re done,” Jack offers with a nod of his head toward the door. I stand and take our empty beer bottles over to the sink, rinsing them out before putting them in the recycle bin.
“You don’t have to tell me twice. Let’s go get some food before Finn eats all the supreme pizza.” I slip on a pair of converse sneakers.
“We both know that’s a very real possibility. I swear that kid still eats like he’s in college.” Jack is slightly green with envy.
“You’re just jealous, old man,” I tease as we walk out the guest house and up the little stone path around the pool to Savannah’s house.
“I’m not denying it, not at all,” Jack admits with a wistful look. “My metabolism is not the same as it was in college, but my bank account and diversified portfolio makes me feel a lot better about where I am now versus where I was in college. For the most part anyway ...” he trails off his last sentence as though he was going to say more but doesn’t.
I pause on Savannah’s back steps before going inside. “Is everything okay with you? I’m sorry, we just talked about me back there.”
“Yeah, everything is okay. It’s just been made clear lately how short life can be, you know? It puts things in perspective,” he answers without really answering or going deeper.
“Like what?”
“Like defining what success really means to me, and it’s no longer just about the bank account or my company’s most recent valuation. And maybe reconsidering certain things in my life or being willing to make changes in some areas in order to accomplish my goals,” he cryptically tells me.
“That all sounds very deep but I also know you, Jack. You’re an expert at not really answering the question if you don’t want to, so when the day comes that you want or need to unpack more, you let me know, yeah?” He hums and nods in agreement as he pulls me in for a side hug.
“It’s a pizza party!” Eloise yells as she flings the door open, already hopped up on a sugar high and wearing a princess crown that lights up, alternating purple and pink lights. She also has a purple feather boa wrapped around her neck and clearly had one of her cousins apply a generous amount of fuchsia blush and bright cherry lipstick. “Come and party with us, party people!” She shrieks over her shoulder as she does a dance move that looks like a cross between a train and the running man.
