Page 14 of Letting Go
I wish every part of the move had been as easy as handing over keys and picking out something new. I’m not ready to make a final decision about our place in Chicago quite yet. It no longer feels like home to me, but I know it still does to my sweet girl. My former neighbors—and the only people I really miss—thankfully provided a temporary solution. Jill’s sister wanted to move to Chicago after her recent divorce and needed a furnished unit as she started over. The only furniture I moved to Forrest Falls was Eloise’s bedroom set and it felt easier to rent our condo to someone I knew, while also buying me some time to make up my mind.
My cell vibrates with an incoming text message and photo.
Daddy
I don’t know which one of them is having more fun right now?!
In the photo, my brother Finn is sitting next to Eloise, who has commandeered Daddy’s entire kitchen island with coloring books, crayons, and markers as she works on one of her masterpieces. A small smile crosses my face—it’s so nice to know that we are both surrounded by so many people that love us. I dropped Eloise off this morning so she could hang out with her papa and I could have some time alone with my favorite cup of coffee. I wish I could spend the morning reading the novel I started last night, but I need to send a few emails regarding the rental and utilities then contact my employer.
I walk into Java Jive and the bold, smokey smell lingering in the air welcomes me like a time warp. I don’t think this place has changed at all since I was in high school, and likely not even in the decade before that. The building is one of the oldest in town and it still has the original white oak plank flooring, but the worn grooves and scuffs left from foot traffic over the decades only add to the charm of the space. As I step up to the large square counter to order, I’m tempted by their legendary seven-layer bars and delicious pastries in the display case. The barista behind the counter welcomes me with a warm smile as I order my favorite iced Americano with sugar-free hazelnut and cream.
With the espresso machines and equipment in the middle, the other three sides of the island still have their signature, retro, robin egg blue bar stools. The counter is deep enough for customers to spread out with their coffee, computers, or even newspapers—which I would never see back in Chicago. I smile recallingthe countless hours my friends and I spent at Java Jive during high school, whether studying, gossiping, or dreaming about what life was going to be like after we graduated.
I snap back to the present when the barista calls my name and grab my drink before finding an empty table by the large windows up front. Just as I sit, my phone vibrates with another message.
MK
Vivian Grace, girl, how long am I expected to let you settle in before I drag you out for drinks and catching up? Ladies, please launch a full-fledged guilt trip for her to come out and play so we can welcome our little Vivi back home.
A giant smile spreads across my face as I read the message. Mary Kate Carlson, or MK as everyone calls her, is one of my best friends. She married her high school sweetheart, Drew, after our sophomore year of college and has been happily back in Forrest Falls popping out babies and living her dream of being a stay-at-home mom. Drew has been best friends with my old high school boyfriend, Chase, since we were little kids, and once upon a time, I thought we would all live next door to each other raising babies together. It may look different than I originally imagined, but I’m thankful to be back home so we can force our kids to all be best friends too. Without MK’s efforts, I’m sure our group of friends would have lost touch over the years, but MK would never allow it. Her constant friendship has always been a gift, but it’s been a lifeline since Trent died.
Willa
The schmuck has my baby this weekend, what about Friday or Saturday night? I miss your face, Vivian Grace! I think we need to show O’Dell’s that we still have it. Let’s go, ladies!!
During our senior year in undergrad, Willa married a rich trust fund baby from Nashville in a shotgun wedding to save face with his family when she got pregnant. We never liked Bradley—who also made sure we never called him Brad; it was always Bradley like the pretentious snob he is—and he partied way too much. After college, he didn’t stop his partying ways, and when Bradley was caught embezzling money from his family’s corporation to fund his cocaine habit without his wife finding out, it was the final straw for Willa. Their divorce was messy but because his family was ultra conservative, there wasn’t a prenup and Willa took him to the cleaners. Willa can stay home with Charlotte thanks to the very generous divorce settlement, but she chooses to work part-time editing books for independent romance authors and has a waiting list of at least a year. Bradley only has the option to see their daughter one weekend a month and according to Willa, on the weekends he even shows up, Charlotte spends the entire time with Bradley’s mother and a nanny. He really is a schmuck.
Lauren
Y’all name the time and place and I’m there!
Lauren teaches third-grade at Forrest Hills Academy. I know she wants to find the right guy and live the American dream but justhasn’t met him yet. If my friends were ice cream flavors, Lauren would be as vanilla and as sweet as they come, with sprinkles and a cherry on top. With her long blonde hair and big blue eyes, she appears to be wholesome and every stereotype of a sweet elementary school teacher, but I also know she reads the dirtiest books out of all of us. It’s always the quiet ones that surprise you the most.
Brittany
About damn time. Viv, what’s your schedule like? When works best for you and finding someone to watch Eloise?
Brittany is the spice in our friend group. She is sassy, straightforward, and loyal to a fault. Drew’s cousin Zander ended up at the same med school in Boston as Brittany so MK introduced them so they would both know someone. No one expected Brittany and Zander’s whirlwind romance, but they proved that sometimes love at first sight is not only in fiction, and it can happen in real life too. It didn’t take much for Brittany to convince Zander that life in Forrest Falls would be better than anything Boston had to offer. I think that man would follow her anywhere. Zander is a doctor in the emergency department at our local hospital. He’s a nice guy, and it doesn’t hurt he is also ridiculously good looking. I’ve joked that Brittany and Zander are committing a crime by not having babies, but neither of them ever really wanted kids, although they spoil our children like they were their own.
Me
Miss you all too! I’m in, I’m sure Savannah will take Eloise Saturday evening if that works for everyone else? Just need to double check with her.
MK
O’Dell’s, Saturday night at 8 p.m. Attendance mandatory. I’ll get a table and shots ready to go, do not plan on driving home, ladies! xoxo
If Savannah can’t watch Eloise for some reason, I’m sure Daddy would be okay having her stay at his place too, or one of my brothers could come over. With a small sigh, I realize that since moving home, finding childcare is no longer a stressful task because I know there are so many options from people I trust. I didn’t feel that way in Chicago. Yet another reason I am so thankful to be home with people that love me and my daughter so well.
I watch the cars and people go by outside as I turn on my tablet. I’ve been on leave for a few months and need to make a decision about my career. Trent and I met when we were both undergraduates at Georgetown, and we lived in DC until moving to Chicago for his fellowship. I worked full-time as a corporate lawyer for a firm in Chicago until I had Eloise four years ago. I could’ve followed a partnership track, but I wanted more time with my babies, just like my own mama. I switched to part-time and my law firm allowed me to work from home. I didn’t think I would ever want to be home full-time; I worked hard for my degree and really enjoyed my work. Like a lot of things in my life before Trent’s murder, that decision felt so black and white. I could workand be a present mama, I could have my cake and eat it too without anyone missing out.
That was all before everything changed.
Now, my only concern is doing whatever is best for Eloise and what is going to help us heal. I know not every widow has the financial freedom I do in making these decisions, and I’m fortunate that between Trent’s life insurance, our investments, and our combined savings, I don’t need to work. If I wanted to, I wouldn’t ever have to go back to work and we would be more than comfortable.
Our stay at my sister’s may be temporary, but I don’t see us moving back to Chicago. I’ll probably buy a house eventually, but for now we’re comfortable in my sister’s pool house. There’s a part of me that finds comfort in being physically close to my sister. I can send her a text when I need her or when it all feels too heavy, and Savannah will walk through my front door within minutes. That wouldn’t have been possible if I was still in Chicago. We talked on the phone daily, just like we did with our mama, but sometimes a girl just needs a hug from her sister. I would give just about anything to be able to hug my own mama right now; Savannah’s hugs are almost the same thing, not quite, but almost. I can feel the tears creep in as I think about hugging my mama. Sometimes I miss her so much it physically hurts in my chest and losing Trent has made her absence that much more pronounced in my life. It’s like the grief of Trent’s passing has amplified the grief I’ve lived with since Mama passed. I wish I could get her advice on how to navigate everything, not that I always listened to her advice growing up.
Mama tugs the blanket a little closer as we sit on the back porch swing. She loves watching the sunset. She believes it’s a good opportunity to pause and reflect on the good parts of your day while lettingthe bad parts fade away. Mama also loves to have heart-to-heart conversations on this swing, when the noise of life seems to hit pause.
