Page 19 of Soaring Free
The K Club is a group of women whose children all go to the same private school as our girls, Forrest Hills Academy. Their names all start with K, and each of the blonde women have fake spray tans, perfectly manicured nails, designer purses, and only ever wearing luxury brands. They may be the closest thing to a Stepford wife as Forrest Falls has, and they always have the hottest gossip, but they’re also a group you do not want to cross. I don’t want to be friends with them, but I don’t want to be on their bad side either. They don’t intimidate me, but dealing with their drama would be exhausting.
“I’m pretty sure you’re right. He literally asked someone to switch spots with him so he couldbe next to me, and I don’t know if he spent more time looking at the instructor’s ass or my boobs.” I shrug. I know the guy is a talented and successful neurosurgeon, but that doesn’t impress me when he was so blatant about his slimy attention. “I have zero interest in a guy like that whatsoever, but to be honest, I don’t really have an interest in any man right now.” That doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate a handsome man, but trusting one enough to entertain the thought of a relationship? I can’t see myself doing that any time soon.
I nod to the patio doors and ask my sister, “Are the steaks almost done?”
“Yeah, Walker is letting them rest and just threw the hot dogs on for the girls. Do I need to go police them to pick up?” We both listen for a moment before we start laughing as we can clearly hear them still playing. “Like mothers like daughters. I’m on it!” Vivian heads upstairs to encourage the toy pickup. When we were kids, Vivian and I always kept playing when Mama would call us for dinner. She always had to ask us multiple times, but she never got mad at us for being lost in the little worlds we created with our toys. Now if Daddy had called us for dinner, there was no such thing as him calling us more than once unless you wanted to risk losing access to television or friends.
Once the girls finally put away their Barbies, we enjoy a nice meal as a family, with a lot of talk about the new Fiona Skye concert that started streaming last week.
The girls gang up on us and ask for yet another sleepover and even convince Walker to read them a bedtime story—or five—which gives Vivian and me some time, just the two of us, on my patio. I made a kettle of tea for us to share as we get cozy on the outdoor couch. “Not that I mind, but is there a reason for the tea tonight instead of wine?”
“To be completely honest, I don’t want to get into the habit of ending every single day with wine, you know?” I blush a little at the admission. “I’m trying to get back into my evening routine of chamomile tea before bed.”
“You did that for years, and don’t think I didn’t notice you still use your favorite mug!” I smile at her memory. One time whenI was visiting her during her undergrad in D.C., we discovered a cute little tea shop that had a quirky selection of mugs with clever sayings. I found a mug the perfect shade of light purple, with the outline of a bejeweled crown above the saying, “Tea fit for the Queen, but enjoyed by me.” I went through a phase where I was a bit obsessed with all things related to the British royal family, and while that zeal has faded, my love for them has not.
“Absolutely.” I shrug. “It has to be better than decaf coffee, right?”
Vivian’s eyebrows raise. “Does Shane still drink coffee at night?”
“I mean, I don’t know for sure if he currently does, but I would assume because he always has. But he at least switches to decaf after dinner. I’d rather have my tea—and I’m telling myself that’s a better choice than a nightly glass or two of wine.”
“Are you worried about the glasses of wine becoming a habit?” She tilts her head.
I roll my lips over my teeth as I really think about her question before responding, “It’s not … it’s not yet a habit per say, but I’ve definitely been drinking more frequently over the last month. I don’t know, I just don’t want it to become an issue, you know? Especially if it’s something Shane could use against me in court in any way whatsoever.”
I’ve never had an issue with alcohol, but I’m aware of my genes. Our daddy used to drink a little too much and a little too often, which was also a contributing factor to him making poor decisions that led to him stepping out on our mama. He never got in any legal trouble, but sometimes I’ve wondered if he hadn’t drunk as much, would he still have cheated on her? We didn’t know about it for most of our childhood, but when it all came to light, it was a struggle for them and our entire family. But Mama was a warrior. She insisted we all attend therapy as a family, in addition to the intensive couple therapy they did together, and Daddy stopped drinking, although he still enjoys non-alcoholic beer socially. The work they put in to fight for their marriage allowed them to have tenyears of genuine happiness before Mama passed. Her battle with cancer was swift and brief, but thankfully, so was her suffering. I can’t believe she’s been gone for five years already.
“Hey. Where did you go?” Vivian nudges me with her foot, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Oh, just thinking of Daddy and back before he quit drinking.” Vivian was in middle school when it all exploded and doesn’t remember much, but it was the summer after I graduated high school, and I remember more than I wish I did. “And then Mama, of course. She fought so hard for their marriage.” A sad smile crosses my face as a wave of emotions hit me at once.
Vivian sits up straight and grabs my hand. “Wait just a damn minute, you don’t think you should have fought for your marriage, do you?”
I start to shake my head slowly but before I can say anything, she holds up her hand and continues, “Savannah Caroline, you stop that right this instant. No ma’am, nuh uh. You didn’t walk away from your marriage, he did. You can’t fight for something when you are the only one left standing.”
“I know that, but did I miss something? Did I drop the ball at some point? Should I have started fighting for it before he walked away?” A marriage is two people, and even if I was standing alone in the end, at some point he took a small step without me noticing him moving away from me and our life together. I don’t think he woke up one morning and decided to just walk away from our lives together. I’m plenty angry at him for his actions and decisions, but at the end of the day, there’s a part of me that is also incredibly sad at the loss of what I thought our lives together would look like, both now and in our futures.
“Well, in order for that to have been possible, he would have had to communicate where he was emotionally or what he was struggling with. So, did he? Did he tell you he was questioning things? Did he open up the dialogue to give you an opportunity to talk through his struggles or issues? Did he say he was feeling disconnected in the marriage or wanting to spend more time justthe two of you?” She narrows her eyes at me—she knows this answer all too well.
I slowly shake my head. “You know he didn’t.”
“That’s right. He didn’t. He didn’t do that, so you never even had an option to fight for your marriage, honey. So, stop that train of thought. Your marriage is not the same as what our parents had, nor was my marriage to Trent. We both know if I had found out about Trent’s affair, he still probably would have walked away from me and Eloise. You can’t forgive and move on with someone who has no remorse for the situation they created.”
“You’re right, I know you’re right. People just assume that a divorce is always the fault of both parties.” And I’m really good at blaming myself for well … everything. It’s exhausting to fall short of the standards and expectations I put on myself.
“Who assumes that? And if anyone has said anything to you, I will … I don’t know, I’ll have Liam hack their sprinkler system and run up their water bill.” Vivian’s idea of an evil deed makes me throw my head back in laughter.
“Oh no, not the sprinklers, ma’am!” I place my hand on my chest in mock horror.
She waves her hand in front of her face, dismissing my mockery. “It was the best I could come up with on the spot.”
“Sugar, no hacking. We talked about this.” Walker shuts the patio door and sits down, putting his arm around Vivian and pulling her to him. “They are absolutely not asleep, but they started a movie and are all at least in sleeping bags downstairs.”
I shrug. “Weekend; works for me. How many stories did you have to read?”
Walker gives me a look, both of us knowing those girls have him wrapped around their fingers. “Four.”
“Oh, Special Agent Man, you are such a softie. You cannot show weakness to them. They go for the jugular the second you do,” Vivian teases as she leans up and kisses him on the cheek.
