Page 85 of In the Safety's Zone
“Tell me what we looking at.”
Anthony plopped down on the sofa and I tried not to feel melancholy. Camp was starting up in a few days, which meant this constant time we’d been spending together would end for a while.
I paused the match I’d been watching and turned to him. “What you mean?” I needed to get my head back into my training and had scouted out places for me to play.
“You’re watching this the way we watch game film, I want to know what you’re looking for so I can help.” He nodded toward the screen and I don’t know why I was surprised but I was.
“You want to watch film with me?”
Anthony glanced at me and shook his head, ignoring what I was saying. “Don’t start that, AP, you not about to play me like the other niggas.”
“Sorry, I just get tense when people want to watch. It’s normally not a positive experience.”
“I thought we already established that your daddy was a ho? We don’t need to think about it, it’s a known fact, lil baybeeh.”
“Sorry.” I looked back at the screen and watched myself nod at whatever Terri was saying to me on the sidelines.
“Where is everyone else?”
I took my eyes off the screen trying to understand what he was talking about. The crowd was full so what he asked didn’t make any sense. “What do you mean?”
“Where are your people and fans and shit?” He pointed to the crowd and they were very reserved compared to what he contended with in a football stadium.
“You’re not supposed to make too much noise when you score a point.”
He sucked his teeth in disgust as he watched the tepid response to my serving. “Oh, that’s lame as hell. The crowd getting hyped is part of the fun. Being polite during athletics is wild.”
“Well, you know that we have to do things differently than you all get to do.”
“I mean we do the handshake thing sometimes at the end of the games.”
“It’s kind of mandatory for us to show good sportsmanship.”
“So you can’t talk your shit? Like ever?”
I tried not to laugh at him but his genuine confusion was hilarious. “Um, it’s not encouraged.”
“For everybody or just for you? Cause I remember how people were talking crazy to the Williams sisters and they were just supposed to take it.”
I could see Anthony getting upset thinking someone was trying to mistreat me simply because I didn’t fit their mold of a tennis player.
“I’m sure there’s a huge double standard that happens when it comes to us, but that’s life in general.”
“I get it. You want that serve to speak for you. Cause you be lulling people to sleep with that meek and mild shit you got going on. But never sleep on yourself.” He gave me an intense glare, as if he dared me to disagree even though he knew I wouldn’t.
I had been back on the court practicing and even when I made a mistake I spoke more kindly to myself than I had before. My inner voice was telling me to get the shit right, but it wasn’t telling me I would never amount to anything.Growth.
“I don’t get what you’re trying to say.”
“I think that you need to let that shit out. You know you’re good at this but you keep your desire to be seen as a champion buried deep because you’re so used to people putting you down. You stay low so that their words won’t hurt too bad when you hear them.”
“Ouch, just right in my face like that?” He was doing that thing again. Reading me and I was still unused to the kind of truth that passed between us.
“Yeah, we gone be for real with each other. You gotta stop that. If there’s anyone who should be okay with praising you, it should be you.”
“And then when I inevitably fail they’re gonna sit there and talk shit.”
“Let me ask you something. They talk shit when you win, right? Critique your game no matter the outcome.”
