Page 99 of In the Safety's Zone
I was done with whatever guilt trip she was trying to hit me with. Her tactics hadn’t changed. She would lob shots to soften me up before going in for the kill. But a lot of the work I’d been doing on myself meant that I didn’t falter so easily like I used to.
“Jill, what’s up? You called for something and I got stuff going on.”
“What you got something else to do? I know that lil girl ain’t around so why are you acting like you’re too busy?”
I clenched my teeth knowing she was trying to get a rise out of me but I refused to let her.
“I have a job that I’m focused on besides my relationship. I’m thankful that I’m with someone who understands the focus it takes to achieve any measure of success in professional sports. So, nah. My needing to get off the phone has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you.”
She cackled out a scratchy laugh made that way but her pack a day habit that I was sure had increased. “Your nuts dropped, huh? I’m sure you’re just like your brother. Letting that little bitch talk to me any kinda way—”
“One thing you not gone do is disrespect my brother, his wife, or my girl. We can end this call now.”
“So they finally turned you against me. I knew it was coming. As soon as they offered you that help and had you with Silas I knew I’d lost you. You were never going to love me the same.”Jill sniffled like I would take this fake crying as real and rush to make it better.
I laughed making no attempt to spare her feelings when I spoke again. “You’re right, I wasn’t and neither is Antwan.”
“Well, damn you agreed with me quick as hell.” Her voice got tight again and all the crying was gone.
“I did. Because the love you require means loving you more than we love ourselves. To put us in a position of hurt to make sure you’re good. Mothers shouldn’t do that and good ones wouldn’t.” Explaining myself was pointless because she wasn’t going to hear me but I would have peace in knowing that I’d tried.
“Oh, so I’m a bad mother now? When didn’t I hustle hard for everything that you ever needed?”
“Is that a rhetorical question or is it something you actually want me to answer?”
It was too close to that date. This year would be more stressful because we didn’t have a preseason game to distract us. TheDesperadosGala was that weekend but I was going solo so even that wouldn’t work.
“You keeping track of my faults now? You want me to throw your mistakes up in your face too?”
“You could. But it would only reinforce what I’m saying. I’m sure you’ll bring them up to me at some point. You can’t help yourself.”
“All that I went through for the two of y’all and you—”
My free hand squeezed my braids because talking to her with my hard-fought emotional detachment made me feel insane. “Again, Jill, I got stuff to do. Was there a reason you called?”
“I need some money.”
Right on point. “I can’t help you with that.”
“So your brother has you trained too, huh?”
“No, not trained. We both decided a long time ago that you were too irresponsible with money. If you needed us to do something and it was legit we’d figure it out. But just handing you money ain’t about to happen.”
Antwan and I weren’t heartless but we also weren’t stupid. If there were a true emergency we’d try to help. If it was some bullshit she was on her own.
“Y’all trying to ho me—”
“No, we just not about to let you ho us. You didn’t hit the jackpot just because you got two sons in the NFL.”
“Well, definitely not with you because you’re barely pulling in any money. Definitely not enough to keep that lil rich girl interested past a fling. Better get her pregnant and go for custody so that you got some money that’s consistent coming in.”
I was silently raging as Jill hit the one spot that I knew she would but it still cut me. “You finished?”
“That’s all you got to say?”
She thought I would get angry. Yell and scream at her so she could relish the ability to still manipulate my emotions. But I no longer showed my vulnerability to people who would use it against me.
“Yeah, I don’t entertain nonsense.”
