Page 73 of In the Safety's Zone
“Well dang, bruh, you gone say anything else to me?”
“I want you to tell me what’s on your heart.”
“I love her. It’s a deep, profound, unnerving kinda love.”
“So what’s wrong? You happy right? Y’all been good despite the bullshit folks trying to put on you.”
I nodded because this week I’d confided in him about my frustrations with all the media shit. “I’m so happy and I think that’s what I’m scared of. The fact that I’m so happy. The fact that I would do anything for this girl and I’on’t want to end up like—”
“You’re worried about this enveloping you like it did our people.”
“Yeah. I don’t know how I can’t help but have my mind turn to that. Like what if the madness that Jill feels for that nigga is hereditary?”
“You think that?”
“I hope not. I see you with Rye and I know how crazy you are about her. But you seem fine. Like you not neglecting Annia for her. Hell, you just as crazy about your daughter as you are your wife.”
“But…” Antwan motioned with his hand for me to hurry up.
“But what if I’m the one who ends up with the fucked up genes? What if I’m weak like Jill’s ass?”
“You believe that, Ant?” His face was frowned up and I knew he was going to do the brother thing again if I didn’t give him the answer he wanted.
“Nah. I want to think that I’m strong as hell. But I’ve fallen victim to bullshit before. Let myself get conned into fucking up my own future and it was nothing for me to do it. I thought I was doing the right thing but—”
He stood up straight and I knew I’d said too much. “The right thing?”
I waved him off and after a minute he relaxed against the column again.
“It’s nothing. I just don’t want to fuck this up. She’s already had the short end of the stick with her people and I don’t want to add to that. A nigga has bruised her before and I don’t want to be the one that ruins her.”
I ran a hand down my face feeling the weight of what was going on in my brain. I felt like I was in a constant battle with myself not to fuck up. Self-doubt was the underlying current whenever I was with Aphrodite and I was doing everything I could to shake it off. It wasn’t working.
“Bruh, come back in the house so we can work this out. You look so stressed out that you got me ready to drink and shit.”
Antwan waved me on and we walked back to the house and into the section that was designated as his man cave. It was where he could come and watch film without disturbing Rye or Nia or Grams. My brother was surrounded by women and for someone who hadn’t trusted women before, he had fallen into the arrangement with ease.
We entered the room and I leaned against the bar while he went behind it and grabbed two glasses. I had another confession to make to him but it was one that would lighten the mood.
“I enrolled in school.”
He looked up from where he splashed two rocks glasses with a shot ofPrismvodka. “Say word?”
His grin was wide and I nodded because even I was excited about getting back into school. My former university had been gracious to let me enroll in one course for now and I planned to take more in the spring. I might have football now, but that didn’t mean it was always going to be here. I needed to provide for myself and now for Aphrodite. And I hated to start something and not finish it. Earning my degree represented a lot to me.
“Yeah. I’m not taking a lot of classes right now just the ones I know I can handle with work and stuff.”
“That’s big shit! Why you ain’t say nothing?” Antwan slid the glass across the bar top and I took it and lifted it in the air in thanks.
“Because I didn’t know how you would take it.”
“What you thought I’d be mad?”
“I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t taking this opportunity with theDesperadosseriously.”
Twan’s brows dipped and I could almost hear the way he was about to cuss me out. “Ant, I’m not Jillana’s ass. I worry far more about your damn brain than whatever you do on the field. Do I want you to succeed? Hell yeah, because you've got the raw talent to be even better than the original man who made the number 21 great. But I worry more about you as a person and whether you’re feeding your passions. If football ain’t it then you go back to school and find out what is. I know that Greek ain’t over here trying to say nothing out the way.”
“Greek?” Who the fuck was this nigga talking about?
