Page 125 of Stepbrothers with Benefits
“Sure,” Marshall said. “We’ll wait in the car in case you need anything.”
“Give us a little ring,” Raf said, making a phone gesture as they slipped past Eli. Raf muttered something I couldn’t make out, and he clasped Eli’s shoulder before they left. I’d wanted them gone so I could talk to Eli, but now their absence left a thick, choking silence between us.
So I said the only thing I could. “I’m sorry.”
“You said that,” he said, and I hated the rough sound of his voice. The sound of someone who had either been crying heavily, which his dry and not red eyes said he hadn’t, or hadn’t used their voice much lately.
“I meant it then, and I meant it now,” I told him softly. “I give you so much shit for locking me out of things and dealing with shit on your own, and the first real problem we have, I do it to you. Not only that, but I abandoned you in your moment of need...and mine.”
“It’s—”
“Not okay. Don’t say it is.”
“I was going to say forgivable. It’s not okay. But it’s?—”
Forgivable. Not forgiven, but forgivable.
It was far more than I had any right to ask of him, and I felt the tightness loosen in my chest. It wasn’t gone, but Iremembered what Raf had said about taking little steps. Not my best skill, but looking at Eli, I realized that if it was going to be done right now, it would have to be done by me. I had never seen him look so lost and forlorn, and I couldn’t imagine what he’d been dealing with while he’d been the one left to steer the ship in the middle of the storm, while I’d taken the only lifeboat and gone off to save myself.
“You look like me, in need of a shower,” I said softly.
He looked over himself and shrugged. “Probably. Last time I had one was...Monday morning? I don’t know.”
“Okay,” I said softly. I hadn’t been able to leave the bed unless it was to take care of bodily needs or to get more booze. Right now, though, someone else needed me more.
The real moment of truth came when I reached for his hand. His fingers twitched, like he was considering pulling his hand away, but then stilled as my hand slid into his. Then he let me lead him into the small bathroom and the standing shower stall. Despite the degradation of the room, the shower had been more or less clean, though I hadn’t used it, and he let me lead him to it.
That was the hardest part, so anything after that would be hard but doable.
Forgivable.
He stood there as I got the water flowing and made sure it was an acceptable temperature. I quickly yanked my shirt off and my shorts to my feet, kicking both out of the way before taking hold of Eli and making him sit on the closed toilet lid so I could pull his shoes off...and no socks because he clearly hadn’t put any on. I tossed those out of the bathroom and took off his coat and shirt, carefully hanging them up before removing his pants and underwear.
I searched forsomethingthat could fill the silence, but I’d exhausted my limited reserve of words that weren’t repeats or just...stupid. Instead, I kept my mouth shut and drew him intothe shower, closing the door and letting him stand under the warm spray with me. He didn’t seem to care one way or the other, but I let him take up most of the warmth of the water.
When neither of us said anything, I took the small bottles of shampoo and conditioner to lather us both. He wasn’t stiff, but he wasn’t limp either. He leaned back to rinse his hair, but still let me make sure there was none left. I couldn’t tell if he was accepting my touch or just resigned to it. What I did know was that he was permitting it, reluctantly or willingly, so I’d keep doing it. I took the bar of soap to wash his body.
When I reached his midsection, he closed a hand over my arm. I swallowed hard. “It’s...this isn’t a come on.”
“I know,” he said in a low voice.
“Do you...want me to stop?” I asked him softly.
“It’s just,” he began, closing his eyes. “This is...the longest we’ve been apart. This is...it’s been three days, and you haven’t been there the whole time to...to touch me. I don’t...miss things like that. Not like this...but I missed it. And now you are and I?—”
Carefully, I removed my arm from his grip and pulled him close to wrap him in a hug. Eli made a soft noise of what I thought was surprise, but I held him tight. I couldn’t remember the last time I had hugged him like that, gripping him like he might disappear any second. It was certainly the first time when we were naked and wet. Yet when his arms wrapped around my middle and pulled our bodies together, there was nothing sexual about the moment.
He took a deep, shaking breath and pressed his face into the crook of my neck. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too.”
“I needed you.”
“I needed you too.”
“You left.”
“I did.”
