Page 38 of A Smart Girl's Guide to Second Chances
Except, unlike Cinderella, I didn’t want the fairy-tale ending. In fact, right then I wanted my perfect dress to magically transform into a tracksuit. If a fairy godmother appeared and asked me how she could magic up some help, I’d ask her if I could go back in time so that I hadn’t agreed to have a drink in Lily’s room when I’d got my grad job offer, then when she’d had to go to a lecture, climbed out of her window onto her college roof with a bottle of cava. Because then I wouldn’t have met Alex Lawson, and he wouldn’t have kissed me. And then I wouldn’t be feeling the way I felt right now – totally terrified.
Chapter 18
The next morning, I woke up with a hangover. But it wasn’t one that I knew could be fixed with a day of eating carbs and staring at the ceiling. I stayed in my bed for as long as I could, until the need for something fatty and fried became too urgent. I pulled on leggings – even jeans felt too restrictive. I didn’t look at myself in the mirror but I knew what would be there – eye makeup collected under my eyes and a mat of formerly perfect waves.
I almost made it to the bottom of my staircase, but Alex was sitting on the final step.
‘Are you the Sphinx I need to riddle my way past?’ I tried for a light tone, but didn’t pull it off.
‘What happened last night?’ he asked.
I wanted to give him an answer. I’d had the most magical night of my life. ‘I don’t know,’ I said.
‘There’s something between us,’ he said. ‘I thought maybe, at the start, it was like... a meeting of minds. But it’s more than that.’
He stopped but I didn’t fill the silence. I didn’t know what to say. Both my body and brain felt numb. The deluge of emotions I’d felt last night had faded to nothingness.
‘I’ve always felt lonely with other people,’ he said. ‘Like I didn’t understand them, and they didn’t understand me. Butwith you... I feel the opposite of lonely. You’re smart but you wear it lightly, you’re funny and gorgeous.’
He paused again as I turned my eyes to the dark stone walls, not knowing what to do with the compliment.
‘Please look at me, Rebecca. Because I think you feel the same way about me,’ he said. ‘I mean, maybe not the gorgeous part...’
I exhaled the breath I’d held because I couldn’t help but laugh. Alex was so beautiful that it wasn’t even subjective – though I was willing to bet that the only time he ever looked in a mirror was when he was brushing his teeth. And even then, I was sure his mind would be a million miles away.
‘I do,’ I said, meeting his stare again. ‘Including the gorgeous part.’
‘I think you’re scared,’ he said with conviction – in a tone that I bet had impressed his med school interviewers and scholarship assessors.
‘You’re wrong. I’m not scared,’ I said, then swallowed. ‘I’m... bloody petrified.’
‘Why?’
‘Because of what we feel right now. This thing that feels... big and powerful,’ I said.
He nodded.
‘It hurts people,’ I said, willing myself not to cry. ‘I don’t want to feel something so strongly that I can’t... think clearly.’
‘Your parents?’ he asked after a moment.
‘Yeah.’ I sat down on a cold step above Alex. I cleared my throat.
‘My mum left my dad for another man just before I started year twelve. She was my best friend – we were really close,’ I said. ‘And then she just blew up everything because she lost her mind and... fell in love.
‘Not that any of that is the point. The point is that I felt like the most naive person in the world. I just... didn’t see it coming at all. I knew that Mum got frustrated that Dad worked so hard and had to travel so much. But I thought she liked that it was just the two of us together. But, yeah, I was wrong.’ I laughed bitterly, my feet resting on the edge of a stone step worn smooth with age.
‘I asked Mum to stay. She’d always stayed home when I’d asked, whether I was sick or just overwhelmed. She would stay if I asked. Except she looked me straight in the eyes and told me that she couldn’t. Mum was the constant in my life – the person I could absolutely rely on. And then she wasn’t.’
I blinked my stinging eyes a few times and then ran my sleeve across my face when that didn’t work.
‘I know she loves me,’ I said with an involuntary sniff. ‘But it wasn’t enough. The type of love she felt forhimwas bigger.’
‘I can’t imagine what it must have felt like for your mum tochooseto leave,’ he said. I felt a flood of relief. He didn’t dismiss or minimise what I’d told him, or the pain I’d tried and failed to disguise. In fact, his tone bordered on condemnation. And I knew why. His mum had left too. But I knew that she would have done anything in the world to stay – to still be with her son.
I’d never spoken to anyone about this chapter in my family’s history. Partly because it didn’t feel dramatic enough to make a big song and dance over. I was the daughter of two doctors who’d lived pretty smooth lives. So I’d had one little road bump to contend with when I was a teenager, one that happened to heaps of people. So what?
I never wanted anyone to see this dark and twisty part of my brain (or was it my heart?). I didn’t want them to judge how I felt or encourage me to take a more generous position. Alex hadn’t done that, he’d validated how I felt.
