Page 51 of A Smart Girl's Guide to Second Chances
‘Now you,’ I said. He smiled, accepting the challenge. He wriggled out of his jacket, but then got stuck pulling off his white silk bow tie.
‘I had you down as a clip-on man,’ I said, laughing as the knot tightened as he tried to yank it off. ‘Let me.’ I slowly coaxed the silk knot apart, pulled it carefully from under his collar and handed it to him.
‘What should I do with this?’ he asked, holding the piece of fabric in his hands. I raised my hands up above my head and held my wrists together.
‘Are you sure?’ he asked.
I nodded. We’d never done anything like this. I’d never done anything like this. But I wanted to do everything, try everything, feel everything.
He carefully tied the material around my wrists, gently tightened the knot, and then, with much less care, pulled off all his clothes. He stood naked in front of me, and I felt woozy.
‘Can I do more subtraction?’ he asked.
‘Quickly,’ I said. He hooked his finger under the left side of my underwear.
‘Are you sure you’re ready?’ he asked. I nodded, and gasped as he picked me up and carried me to my bed. I wondered whether it was possible to die from desire.
An hour later, arguably less polished but both glowing, we sat at the top of a Ferris wheel, overlooking the ball. It was asif the world had been created only for us in that moment, and I admired the view below, where everyone was young and glamorous, wearing dyed wool and silk. In the morning, the suits would be returned to the rental companies, the dresses consigned to the back of cupboards.
It was easy to forget that the next day we’d be kicked out of our borrowed rooms – that over the summer they’d be home to executives doing short courses at the business school, and, after the summer break, they’d belong to new students. All I had tomorrow was Alex.
‘I got into Harvard,’ he said, interrupting my thoughts.
‘What?’ I turned away from the panoramic view to face him.
‘Harvard changed their mind about the post-doc place. They realised they shouldn’t have turned me down,’ he said.
I stared at him. There was a steeliness to his voice – it was the voice you used when you’d made up your mind about your life and now had to blow up someone else’s. I recognised it; I’d heard it before.
‘They were too late,’ I said. I could hear a pleading tone in my voice, which I resented. His expression turned to wounded, as if he was hurt because the first thing I’d said wasn’t ‘congratulations’.
‘I said yes.’ The Ferris wheel skirted the ground and rose for another spin. If I jumped off, would I land on the ground safely?
‘What do you mean? We’re moving to London together. Tomorrow.’
‘I reached out to Harvard a few days ago, asking them to reconsider their position. I only heard back from them last night,’ he said. ‘But I can’t say no.’
‘Of course you can. You say, “No.” Like I said, “I will no longer be taking up my very prestigious grad job.” You just say it.’
He didn’t reply. It was the same silence that had hung between me and Mum when I’d asked her to stay. It was the silence in which everything changed.
A few seconds before, I’d thrown my head and body back against the seat like a child on a swing. Now, I felt totally trapped, in a slippery polyester-blend dress and sweaty palms.
‘I gave up my job. You can go with your second choice of prestigious university,’ I said.
‘Your job and my work aren’t the same thing,’ he said. There was a hardness to his voice I’d never heard before. ‘I’m trying to fulfil a promise I made to my mum. You ticked things off a list!’
I stared at him, trying to understand if he really believed what he was saying or was only trying to justify his own decision. But his face had become an expressionless mask – one without a hint of remorse or guilt.
‘I’m saying this all wrong,’ Alex said, shaking his head as if he’d gone off-script. As if it was the delivery of what he was saying, not the substance that was the problem. ‘When you told me that you’d quit your job, I felt awful...’
‘Wait. You’d already asked Harvard for another chance when I told you I was moving here, and you didn’t say anything?’ He looked away from me for a moment and I knew the answer.
‘So, you’re not moving to London tomorrow?’ I asked.
‘No. I met the team there and everything was... all wrong for the project,’ he said. ‘I can’t, Rebecca. I have to go.’
I stared at him for a moment to make sure he wasn’t joking. Except his eyes had narrowed and his arms were now crossed.
