Page 74 of A Smart Girl's Guide to Second Chances
‘You. I never met her. But I just know, because I know you – that you were the great love of her life.’
‘Yeah. She loved me with... everything,’ he said, slowly nodding. ‘But I still wish I knew the story of this ring. Did she wear it because she just liked it? Or because it meant something? I wished that I’d asked her so many questions about her life. There’s so much we never got to talk about. I was a teenager when she died. I didn’t know what questions I’d need to ask back then. And then, I ran out of time.’
He paused for a moment and I could tell that he was collecting his thoughts. ‘I gave you a bum steer that summer,’ he said finally.
‘What do you mean?’ I asked.
‘You were hurt. You were grieving that your family had fallen apart. I wonder if part of our gravitational pull towards each other was that we could both sense that we were processing a whole lot of buried pain and confusion,’ he said. ‘You were still angry at your mum. And I encouraged that, I think, because I was still mad at my mum for leaving too. And maybe it was easier for us to be angry and hurt together, or something. But our situations were, and are, different. She loves you and you still have her. You can still ask her all the things, you know?’
I nodded. But did I agree? The anger and hurt that we’d shared that summer had been so comforting. That he had changed his mind, had softened, had processed some of the pain he’d felt, somehow felt like far more of a revelation than what had happened the night of the ball.
‘I’m glad I got to see you again,’ he said.
‘Me too,’ I said, then felt a stab of guilt, because I hadn’t told Matt that I was here with Alex. Matt was no longer my fiancé, I reminded myself. Here I was, alone again.
‘I also wanted to tell you that I think you’re really good at your job,’ he said. ‘It almost kills me to say this. And I mean it in the least patronising way possible. But I’ve been seriously impressed.’
I looked at him, searching for an edge of judgement in his voice. But for the first time ever when talking about the job I’d chosen, there was none.
‘So, you don’t think I wasted my brain, time, energy and life?’ I asked.
‘Not if you don’t,’ he said with a wry smile. I felt another stab of guilt. Because I was good at my job, I couldn’t tell him that his job was about to become a nightmare.
‘Matt and I aren’t getting married,’ I said. I felt an enormous frog in my throat as I said it out loud for the first time. ‘We broke up a few days ago.’
‘I’m sorry,’ he said.
‘Are you?’ I replied, then laughed – a slightly more bitter one than I’d intended.
‘Of course I am,’ he said. The lines around his eyes crinkled in concern. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Not really,’ I said. ‘I’m... a mess. This is the first time I’ve got out of bed or dressed since it happened.’
‘What happened?’ he asked. ‘You don’t have to tell me, obviously. Only if it’s helpful.’
‘He said that he didn’t think that I was all in. He said he deserved more than that,’ I said.
Alex stared at me for a second and I could see his brain rolling through all the permutations of the things he could say.
‘I meant what I said the other day. I’ve never stopped loving you, Rebecca. I want to be with you. I knew from the minute I met you that you were my person. I stayed away for a long time because I was hurt by how we ended. Except deep down I must have known that I didn’t have the full picture.’
He moved into the seat next to me and stared at me with his piercing blue eyes.
I turned away from him. I couldn’t have this conversation. How could I let him comfort me, open up to me, when I was basically betraying him? I felt a sudden, desperate urge to tell him what was going to happen to his work.
‘I have to go,’ I said. I couldn’t do it. I’d just lost Matt. I couldn’t lose work too. My job was an ark in this emotional storm raging around me. It was the one place where things made sense in a life without Matt. I felt my stomach churning.
‘I just... everything’s been changing really fast,’ I finally said. ‘I’m a mess right now. I only came here today to return your mum’s ring.’
‘I’ve waited for nine years,’ he said, his eyes twinkling but his deep, husky voice serious. ‘You’ve just called off a wedding.I know you’ve got a lot to work through. But when you’ve had a chance to process your breakup you should think about giving us another chance. I can wait for as long as you need.’
I took a small sip of my sparkling water.
‘So, are you free tomorrow?’ he added, and in spite of myself, I smiled.
Chapter 32
I messaged Stella as soon as I reached my car:Any chance you’re in the market for a chat?
