Page 12 of All My Witches
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So he’sa mobster and everyone is afraid of him, yet from all I can tell the only thing he does is throw bar glasses and knock up every woman he sees. Am I missing something? And, by the way, I totally want to be a soap opera mobster. They get all theplay.
– Landon watching an episode with Bay during a lazyafternoon
Four
Iwas still sortingthrough my flabbergasted feelings when the television blinkedoff.
“Snow sharks? I just … this is worse than anything she’s ever put us through,” Landonlamented.
“She was watching a movie on the SyFy channel the other day and it had snow sharks,” I explained, my mind busy. “She thought it was a cool idea and was trying to figure out a way to militarize them to terrorize Mrs. Little. She thought she had a legitimate chance of marooning her inside her house for the entirewinter.”
“But why would a soap opera care about stuff like that? They’re supposed to be about love in the afternoon,right?”
“Yes and no. Soaps are more than just music montages and hot sexscenes.”
“I always thought they were all about romance and kids dying so the women who play their mothers have an opportunity to cry for daytime Emmys andstuff.”
“That happens. There’s a lot of action, too. Believe it or not, freezing the world was an actual thing onGeneral Hospitalin theeighties.”
“How do you know that? You would’ve been a little kid in the lateeighties.”
“Yeah, but Aunt Tillie got really excited when Soapnet was a thing back in the day and they ran reruns,” I explained. “We watched them with Aunt Tillie … especially during the winter when there was nothing to do. The freezing the world storyline was a bigthing.”
“Okay, I’m going to refrain from telling you what I think about that story, because it has no bearing on our situation, but what does she expect us to do in thisworld?”
“What do youmean?”
“Well, all the other places she’s sent us have had lessons rolled into the stories,” Landon replied. “The fairy tale world was about overcoming obstacles while also keeping us busy so she could illegally sell her wine. The time we got stuck in her memories was an accident, but you still learned a lot about your family – and especially her – in theprocess.
“The Christmas story, however annoying, was about making sure we appreciated family,” he continued. “What are we going to learn in a soap operaworld?”
That was a very good question. “I don’t know. She could simply be punishing us because we made fun of soap operas last night … and cast that little spell that made her itchy all over. She definitely wasn’t happy aboutthat.”
“No, but she always has several reasons for doing the things shedoes.”
“So … what do you think her plan is?” I challenged. “You’ve known her a long time now. You’ve been put through the wringer thirty different ways. What do you think shewants?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know her like youdo.”
I scratched my head as I considered how to respond. “I don’t know what she has planned, but it’s bound to be all kinds of messed up. I know your initial reaction is to stay here, but I think if we do that we’ll simply be delaying the inevitable. Eventually she’ll force us into the world she created if only because she wants us to see all the work she put intoit.”
Landon’s expression was unreadable. “So you think we should play thegame.”
“I don’t think she’ll let us do anythingelse.”
Landon ran his tongue over his teeth. “Okay. Let’s dothis.”
His change of heart was surprising. “Really?”
“We might as well.” Landon flashed a sheepish grin as he hopped to his feet. “I’ve always fancied myself a leading man. I thought it would be in an action movie and not on a soap opera, but what could possibly happen that’s sobad?”
WE SHOWEREDAND DRESSEDbecause it seemed to be the thing to do. I don’t know what I was expecting, but the house I found myself in was so obscenely large it reminded me of a fairy tale castle rather than a soap operamansion.
“Look at this place.” Landon shook his head as he stared at the ornate ceiling. It boasted a painted mural featuring men in loincloths dancing around a fire. “Who would live in a house likethis?”
“Something tells me that Aunt Tillie has gone to a lot of effort to make this world as ridiculous as possible. If we thought the future she plotted out for us was unbelievable, just wait. Soaps are already ridiculous. She’s going to take the basics and run with them … and it’s going to be all kinds ofugly.”
