Page 119 of Crown of Light and Ashes
I close my eyes, lifting the vial to my lips.
Through the bond, I feel him. His presence suddenly floods my consciousness with devastating clarity—not waking in our chambers, but in the midst of his duties, that strange hollowness he's been feeling all day suddenly crystallizing into stark realization. Hours have passed since I left. Hours of him conducting council meetings, making preparations, all while that wrongness gnawed at him.
"Nesilhan?" His mental voice reaches for me through the bond, no longer confused but desperate, terrified. I feel him stretching his awareness toward me with increasing intensity, finding only echoeswhere my presence should be strong and clear. The love and panic in that mental touch nearly breaks my resolve.
For one terrible moment, I almost stop. Almost throw the vial away and run back to him, back to the safety of his arms and the warmth of his shadow-wrapped chambers.
But it's too late. I've already made my choice.
"For my child," I whisper, and bring the vial to my lips. "Forgive me."
The liquid burns like molten metal, searing a path down my throat to pool like liquid fire in my chest. For one suspended moment, nothing happens. I feel Kaan's sudden, sharp attention through the bond—his realization that something is terribly wrong.
Then agony.
Pure, undiluted agony explodes through every nerve, every vessel, every inch of my being. I arch backward, a scream tearing from my throat as the magic of the elixir collides with the blood bond. The mark on my chest—the intricate shadow sigil Kaan placed there on our wedding night—burns as if branded with white-hot iron.
Through the bond, I feel Kaan's answering cry of pain as the magic tears through both of us. His anguish mingles with mine, doubling the torment as he experiences every moment of my agony. I sense him being thrown from his shadow steed, crashing to rocky ground with supernatural force as the magical backlash hits him. Through our connection, I feel his body convulsing, his back arching impossibly as the same liquid fire races through his veins.
Through the haze of torment, I feel it—the bond stretching, thinning, the constant awareness of Kaan that I've grown accustomed to fading like a star being extinguished. Memories cascade through our connection as it weakens—fragments of our time together dissolving like smoke.
All of it slipping away.
I reach for the bond instinctively, a drowning woman grasping for a lifeline, desperate to hold onto these pieces of us. But they fragment in my mental hands like delicate glass, each memory shattering as I try to grasp it. I feel myself losing not just our connection, but the very foundations of who I've become with him.
"Kaan!" His name tears from my lips, not just once but again and again as I realize the magnitude of what I'm destroying. "Kaan, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"
Through the rapidly fraying bond, I feel his desperate attempts to reach me, to somehow hold our connection together through sheer force of will. His power surges toward me, trying to reinforce what the potion is tearing apart, but it's like trying to hold back an avalanche with bare hands. Around him, I sense his darkness exploding outward in violent waves, flattening vegetation, sending wildlife fleeing as the very mountain shakes beneath the force of his magical anguish.
I feel his tears as if they were my own. Feel the blood on his lips from screaming my name with such force that vessels burst. In that distant place where he kneels, I sense him reaching desperately for our bond even as shadowfire erupts around him, tearing ancient stone apart, crumbling monuments that have stood for millennia.
The phantom sensation of his arms around me—a memory of our last embrace—tries to surface, but the potion burns it away before it can fully form. I'm losing him piece by piece, moment by moment, and the helplessness is more agonizing than any physical pain.
Through the bond's dying echo, I feel him struggling against the magical backlash, trying to stand despite his weakness, his determination to reach me stronger than the devastating pain tearing us both apart.
The bond snaps.
The sound is deafening, though only I can hear it—like a mountain splitting in two, like the world itself tearing apart at its foundations.The sigil on my chest flares with blinding light, then crumbles to ash that falls away from unblemished skin. The absence where Kaan's presence used to be is so complete, so devastating, that I feel as though half my soul has been ripped away.
I collapse to the forest floor, convulsing with aftershocks of magic too powerful for a mortal body to contain. But worse than the physical agony is the emotional void—the terrible, echoing silence where his voice used to whisper in my mind. The cold emptiness where his warmth once lived in my chest.
I reach desperately for any trace of him, any fragment of our connection, but find only a hollow ache that feels like phantom limb pain magnified a thousandfold. It's as if I've lost a vital organ, as if part of my very essence has been carved away with a dull blade.
"What have I done?" I sob into the moss, my body shaking with grief as much as magical aftershock. "Oh gods, what have I done?"
The ground beneath me freezes, then thaws in rapid succession, responding to the chaos of my magic suddenly unbound from his. Light bursts from my fingertips in uncontrolled pulses, my power seeking equilibrium now that it's no longer tethered to shadow. But nothing can fill the void where he used to be. Nothing can ease the crushing weight of his absence.
In the distance, I imagine I can hear him calling my name, but I know it's only wishful thinking. The bond is gone. He is gone. And with him, every memory of what we meant to each other is fading like frost in morning sunlight.
Darkness closes in from all sides, narrowing my vision to a pinprick of fading light. As consciousness slips away, a single thought surfaces through the maelstrom of agony and regret:
I've killed us both, and I can't even remember why.
Then nothing.
Sunlight filters through leaves overhead, dappling my face with warmth. Birds call to one another in the branches above. Somewhere nearby, water trickles over stones.
I open my eyes.
