Page 31 of Quarantined
Raven is moving on. Raven wants to be done with this adolescent crush of hers. She is making it clear that she wants to move forward with her life, probably with someone who is not her legal guardian. That's probably why she was so aloof at the birthday party. The kiss was a backward momentum for her, not forward.
I remind myself,This is the way it’s supposed to be.We are supposed to outgrow these inappropriate feelings and focus on our respective roles as guardian and ward. She is making a mature decision. Raven is stronger than I am. She has more willpower than I do. I always knew that to be the case. She has wanted for me for years but never made a move. My own resolve almost broke so many times.
Yes, this is the right decision for both of us. We both need some distance after what happened. I should respect her decision.
So why am I completely hollow on the inside right now? I feel like she just sucker-punched me. If she made the right decision by leaving, why is it killing me and ripping me into half?
Three Months Later
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Milo
This summer has been rough. It’s actually been the worst summer of my life.
I’ve tried to keep busy. Our app has been gaining traction and silent investors. I am also gearing up for my last year of college, with a successful app and career already in tow.
Between networking, investor meetings, and fixing bugs on the app, there shouldn’t have been much time to think. Yet, the thoughts come back. It comes back every fucking second. I can’t take it anymore. The silence, the distance between us.
Unable to help myself, I messaged her a few times. She either sends very delayed responses or is curt with her texts. She never picks up my calls, making excuses about working in her mom’s shop, the time difference, or spotty signals.
I know she made the right decision. I should stop. But there is a hole left in me that only she can fill. No one can understand the depths of longing I’m experiencing for that girl.
If anyone knew they would say that I am pussy-whipped. But you can't even say that because we have never even had sex. I shouldn’t be this stuck on a girl, especially one I’ve never even slept with.
So, I fight it. I fight the urge to think about her all the time. I fight the urge to give in and take a flight to Paris and make her mine. Devour her, the way my body craves.
Maybe I just need to get laid!
I’m on my longest dry spell. I have been sitting around, pining for her. I can’t even look at another female. Ever since that kiss, all I see is Raven’s face when we kissed. All I can hear is Raven telling me that she loves me and to never leave her.
This needs to stop!
We can’t be together. But all of me craves all of her. Every part of me says that she is mine and will always will be, no matter what.
All I feel nowadays is this violent frustration at my situation. This is not me. Yet, I have felt more out of control in the last few months than ever in my life.
At least things with my siblings have been better. Mia did not give me a hard time about the nanny until she had to leave for Grand Cayman. She calls me every day. Reid and I have gotten along better than we have in years. A few weeks into summer, Reid also left for Paris to join Raven. Against my better judgment, I considered the same.
But I needed some sort of indication from Raven that she wanted to see me. Fuck. I needed her to want to see me. I texted her to gauge her reaction.
Hey Rave, I hope you and Reid are having a blast in Paris. I was thinking about visiting.
Oh, Ok. If you want to.
Do you not want me to come?
Nothing like that. I just think you will be bored.
Why will I be bored?
Reid and I spend our days helping mom set up for her new shop in Paris. And he mentioned your app has been doing really well. I'd hate to tear you away. It’s really not that exciting over here.
I guess. Are you sure you don’t want me to come visit?
Positive. Focus on your app :)
We did not speak after that text. Raven has made her feelings crystal clear. I also need to move on.
