Page 75 of Quarantined
I take in a deep breath and continue. "When you offered to take over my guardianship, it meant the world to me. You meant everything to me. I wanted to do everything to help you. I knew Reid and Mia were giving you a hard time. I knew college was difficult as well. I tried to pick up as many responsibilities as I could, to make your life easier. I didn't want to be another chore for you. I wanted you to be glad that I joined this family and not regret your decision to be my guardian."
"That never crossed my mind," Milo says with a bewildered look.
"I know that now," I say softly. "I didn't always understand that. I'd follow you around for an acknowledgment of that. I wanted to make you proud. You were my hero," I say with a sad smile and quickly add, "You still are."
"Okaaay. Then what is the probl…"
"You are my hero because you are my guardian. That's how I see you. I didn't realize me looking for your attention and approval made it seem like I had feelings for you. I swear Milo, it wasn't like that. It wasn't until Reid and Mia brought up…"
"Reid suspects something too?"
"No," I shriek. I steady my voice and give my head a sharp shake. "No," I say again. "Reid is the one who made me realize that my behavior came off as me acting like I was romantically inclined towards you. I was trying to be helpful, but in reality, I was acting like a fool. I assured him there was nothing there. Reid would hate me if he found out otherwise."
I start to pace on my side of the table. I can feel Milo's eyes moving with me. "Everyone thought I was infatuated with you. I get why. Both Reid and Mia suspected the same and pointed out that I was sending mixed signals."
I look straight at Milo. I want to portray my sincerity and how sorry I am. "I swear, Milo. I didn't know I was acting like that. I just had no idea that's how it looked to other people. That's why I left for Paris so suddenly. I thought I was embarrassing myself and wanted to learn how to behave more appropriately."
"Fine. You can make an excuse that your innocent gestures were coming off as something different. Mixed signals. But what about after you came back from Paris? There were no mixed signals while we were having sex."
"Milo, I didn't…" I don't know how to explain that portion. "When I got back, you just seemed so sure. You were so confident about what we were doing. I didn't know what to do."
"So let me get this straight. You realized that you were giving me mixed signals so you ran away to Paris. And after you came back to fix your mixed signals, you slept with me instead."
He is right. My words and actions are entirely contradictory. Who in their right mind would do that, and then let it go on for so long?
I try to explain it anyway. "That first time we did it, you had a panic attack, and you said you needed me. I went along with it because I love you. But I thought it was a one-time thing—"
"And all the other times?"
"I just… I don't know how things got so out of control. I know it's frustrating to hear. I am sorry I am such a mess."
"You told me you loved me, the night of your seventeenth birthday party," Milo says quietly.
"And I do. I love you. Just not inthatway. I later realized you might have misunderstood me. I thought you were sending me to Paris to shake me off my girlie crush, which I didn't even have."
"We kissed that night. Did you mean that differently as well?"
"What? We didn't kiss the night of my party." I frown. I don't know what he is talking about.
His eyes move all over my face. "I came to your room that night to talk to you. We kissed."
I am dumbstruck. "Shit, Milo." I am ashamed. He is going to hate the next part. "I was really drunk that night. Plus, Reid and I got high," I lower my eyes. "I am sorry. I don't remember us kissing."
"What the hell, Raven!" Milo blows up. "You promised me you'd never get blacked out drunk. You promised you'd be safe. I let you drink wine at home. I let you drink at parties. I let you stay out. I give you so much freedom. I want to trust you, but you keep breaking my trust. Getting trashed, smoking pot. What if someone took advantage of you in that state? Did you even consider the consequences of your actions?"
"See, right there! Reason 101 of why this doesn't work. I can't even have an honest conversation with you. It's like the lines between you being a parent versus a lover are severely blurred. For God's sake, you can't fuck me one minute, and be disciplining me the next about drinking and smoking pot."
Both of us glare at each other.
I give in first. "Look, I am sorry. You are right. Those were not safe choices. I shouldn't have done that. But that doesn’t change the matter at hand. I don’t feel that way about you. I should have been more upfront. I am sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. You are one of my closest friends. I would like us to go back to being that."
"No," he says, definitively.
"Milo, you can't say that."
"I can." Milo's eyes are hard with defiance.
"Milo, please, you are one of my best friends. I can't lose you."
