Page 131 of Isolation
Milo touched my soul in a way that I can’t explain. I never knew it could be that powerful to be with someone. I watched him sleep for hours afterward.
I know that he hates himself for hurting me. He never fully viewed what happened between us as wrong. But none of that matters now.
The only thing that matters is an outcome that will allow us to move forward with our relationship.
So, while Milo slept I hoped for things to be different. I hoped to be stronger for the man I lovebecauseI believe that my love for him will help me fight off whatever trepidition that still remains.
However, by the time I woke up for the second time this morning, that hope vanished.
I woke up thinking Milo was on top of me, choking me— that he was inside me.
I looked around for someone who could help. I turned my head, only to find the root of my horrors lying naked, wrapped around my body.
Fear has a funny way of ruling over all of your other emotions. But fear doesn’t begin to describe this dread. I couldn’t scream for help. I couldn’t escape the horrors in my mind, nor the paralysis that followed.
I couldn’t stand up to get away from him, which was the only thing I wanted at that moment.
It's apanic that shakes me to my very core until I can’t recognize myself.I managed to roll over to fall on the floor, shaking for minutes on end.
Milo was still asleep, exhausted from our night together. I just kept thinking that he would wake up... and turn my nightmares into a reality.
Once the trepidation passed, I accepted the truth.Even after a night like that, Milo remains the one nightmare that I can’t conquer.
Which brings me to the here and now, as I lie on the floor. I look at the sleeping man on the couch.
He is not that same beautiful man from earlier this morning.
I know deep down that I love him, but every inch of my body is screaming to grab the knife from the kitchen and stab him with it.
Before these kinds of thoughts can take root, I lift myself from the floor and stand on shaky legs.
I have to make a fast exit before I do something impulsive or harmful.
I don’t know where Milo and I stand after last night. Our relationship’s progression is not promising, but the idea of us separating is causing an unfathomable type of agony.
Just thinking about not seeing him, touching him, it’s causing the type of emptiness I never thought was possible to experience. It’s unbearable.
We even created a parallel future and universe to give ourselves a happily ever after, one that might not be written in our stars.
The truth is, I wouldn’t be the kind of mother we painted in that world. I’d be like Tessa, ruining my children’s lives while a doting husband cares for me until one day he starts to resent me.
My love entails wanting the best for Milo, with or without me in his life. He deserves a partner that helps him lessen his burden, not a partner who is the burden he has to carry.If I can't be that partner for him, I know that I'd let him go instead of dragging him down.
I grab my jacket and dress off the floor. Sliding the patio door open, I step outside in the cold to feel the cool air on my skin and breathe in the fresh air.
I need to find a solution for us.
When I came back to the Sinclair home, I only expected Milo to be my worst nightmare, and he was. But I also got to see the selfless man who quietly takes care of everyone, expecting nothing in return.
I see the man who diligently pays attention to every one of my habits, my interests. A person who makes me feel like I am the center of their world.
He is agood man who made some terrible mistakes. I understand that now.Nonetheless, it makes me happy to know that I love agoodman. And I do.I love him with all of my heart.
So, I have to stay focused and steady on the course I have set. Respect. Trust. Feeling safe.
As long as he keeps working on giving me those three things, I can continue to look forward to turn our parallel universe into a reality.
How he makes me feel... I never thought it was possible to feel that way about another person.
