Page 151 of Isolation
“Reid,” she says softly. “I am not going to FIT. I am not coming back for graduation either. I am having them mail my diploma. I am going to go to the Paris School of Fashion for college. I am going to stay in Paris for good.”
I blink.
I thought I was emotionless.
That I was dead inside.
One moment. One sentence.
That’s all it takes, and it all comes back like a flood. I am definitely feeling emotions right now. Lots of it.
And my first thought:Fuck her!
Fuck! Her!
My life, my whole fucked up mess of a life, it’s all her fault.
She is the reason for my complete emotional wreckage. The years of pining after her. The years of torture. My anger. My on and off relationship with my own brother. The extensive mental abuse she put me through.
If Raven and I weren’t born together, if I didn’t have this stupid notion that we were destined for each other, I wouldn’t be this broken.
The man that I am is because ofher.I could never go back. I could never be a different man because she has already shaped my life.
I’d never have the opportunity to know what it’d be like growing up without being tethered to her.
This need for her dictates every relationship and every decision in my life. I don’t know what kind of man I could have been if we weren’t born together.
But we were, and she fucked me up. She bulldozed over me only to leave me and never come back.
I didn’t even apply to colleges in Paris because I didn’t think she did either.
She knows that.
This has nothing to do with whatever bullshit happened between her and Milo. This was pre-planned and she didn’t bother looping me in.
She had no intention of us going to Paris or staying in New York together.
All the while, she let me believe otherwise.
I spent years being angry at Milo. I thought he was taking her away from me. But it was never Milo’s fault. It was Raven’s.
I confronted her about her feelings for Milo. She said it was nothing but brotherly love. But it wasn’t.
She actively pursued Milo. He didn’t know how I felt about her. I never confronted him about it. I have no right to be angry at him.
But I have every right to be angry ather.
She lied to me.
And I still looked the other way for the sake of our friendship.
She let me hold on to the fact that we were still best friends at the end of it all. That we still have a bond that could never be broken. She couldn’t even let me hold on to that much.
I always thought she is all that’s perfect in this world. Even now. I recently started dating Juli, yet every time Juli does something I don’t like, I compare it to Raven and how she would have done it differently.
All my life I have compared every woman toher.
And it haswreckedme.
