Page 169 of Isolation
Lies.
She is telling me all lies. Why is she lying?
Fine. If she doesn’t want to talk about Milo, there is something else we can discuss.
This Milo topic is spurring on emotions of my own. I already suspect that she knows somewhat of how I feel about her. I might as well put it all out on the table. It’s finally time.
Neither of us have directly addressed the issue. Twenty-one years and we have never once talked about the elephant in the room.
“When you and Milo hooked up, did you know how I felt about you?”
I let the words sink in. My heart is beating in anticipation of her answer.
Raven is quiet for so long that my suspicions are confirmed. Even though I assumed that she might know, I still can’t help the irrational anger that courses through me.
“You knew!” I growl as I grab her by the back of her shoulders. I don’t move because I am too scared of what I might do if I move.
Raven jumps from the volume of my voice that echoes through the bathroom. I am shaking from anger and I have no idea how to calm down.
“You knew how I felt about you, but you did it anyway. You fucked my brother, Raven. How could you do that to me?”
“I didn’t know,” Raven bites back. “Not at the time. Once I found out, I was mortified to know what I did. I didn’t want to keep hurting you. That was one of the reasons why I left. I made a mistake with Milo. I tried my best to fix it but instead, it just made you hate me.”
“That doesn't make sense,” I yell back.
Our voices echo in the enclosed shower as our words bounce between the walls.
“What do you mean you’d keep betraying me if you stayed? All you had to do was not have sex with him again. Why couldn’t you just do that? How hard is it to keep your knees together? Or were you so enthralled by the great Milo Sinclair like every woman in New York that you couldn’t possibly be in close proximity without having to fuck him again? Tell me!”
“I made a mistake,” Raven says quietly. “I told you that. After it was all over, I just had to get away from here. That’s all there is to it.”
I am quiet. We are just going around in circles. Raven’s not giving me a straight answer about why she left. And my anger is not dying down.
She still pursued Milo after I told her not to. Even if she didn’t know how I felt about her, that betrayal alone is a hard pill to swallow.
Actually, the hardest pill to swallow is the possibility that she might never feel that way aboutme.
“When I was younger, I always thought we would somehow end up together,” I say in a low voice. “I thought you would snap out of your cynicism. I thought you’d get over whatever fascination you had with older men. I thought you’d finally see me.” I shake my head. “What is so hateful and unlovable about me that you couldn't possibly see me in that light?”
Raven gives out a husky laugh.
Anger rinses through me again. I am pouring my heart out and she is laughing in my face. My fingers flex into her shoulders, tightening the grip.
“When I was younger, I always thought we would somehow end up together,” Raven mutters my own words back to me. But her next few words fill my words with the meaning I have been craving all of my life.
“Everyone always told us that we’d end up together. An optimistic side of me thought that’s where life would lead us. This was before my cynicism for love. This was before my parents’ separation. This was before I saw Tessa and Uncle Reese. This was before we became part of the same family. I didn’t see you that way after growing up. But when I was little I used to spend hours writing Mrs. Reid Sinclair in my notebook. So, there is nothing hateful or unlovable about you, Reid. You can make any girl fall in love with you. I was broken for years, and you put me back together. You are the best man that I have ever known."
I can’t move.
All these years.
All of my failed attempts to tell her how I feel.
She felt the same way I did when we were younger.
She felt that way before her parents’ separation. Before she saw my parents falling apart. Before whatever the hell happened between her and Milo.
If she felt that way before, could she feel that way again?
