Page 172 of Isolation
I can’t listen to her tell me how I am her best friend. How I am her brother from another mother. I love her. I always have. She has already guessed it. I need to man up and say it. I owe it to myself to say it at least once.
“And I love you,” Raven says.
“You know that’s not how I meant it. At least have enough respect for me not to condescend me.”
This conversation is quickly going south. That’s the thing with rejection. It can flip something inside of you. It haunts you.
I have lived with years of rejection. First from my mother and then from Raven. It’s all coming back in a flash. and it’s boiling down to this moment.
I have finally told her what I have felt for years. And somewhere deep down I had hoped for a different result. For a different response.
“I am sorry,” Raven concedes. “You are right. Look, when we were little our families joked we’d end up together. It was ingrained into both of us. Somewhere deep inside my optimistic mind, I thought that could be a possibility. But as I grew up, I saw the ugly side of love. I lost faith and the faith has never been quite restored in me. So, I shelved that idea away.”
Raven stands up to pace. So, I stand as well.
“After we grew up, I saw you as my family member,” Raven continues. “As far as I am concerned, you and Mia are my only family. I don’t know how to give you any more than that. The side-effects of romantic love has always been my destruction. Every bad thing that has ever happened in my life stemmed from the romantic kind of love. Can you at least understand that?”
“Just because that happened to other people doesn’t mean it will happen to us. We are different. We are best friends—”
“I also thought Milo was my best friend,” Raven mutters and looks at that same spot on the carpet that she was cleaning the other day.
Did she spill something there?
She is not one to be OCD about cleaning. I can’t focus on that right now. I am too hyped upto focus.
“So, this is about Milo?”
“Yes,” Raven sighs. “I can’t fathom being the slut who is passed back and forth between the Sinclair brothers.”
“I don’t see it that way.”
“Yet, that’s how it is.”
I close my eyes. “Rave, please…”
“There are also other things that scare the shit out of me. Milo used to be my best friend, but our friendship changed and within a short time frame, it destroyed everything. My relationship with you. My friendship with Milo. It cost me my family. It cost me everything I cared about. I walked around like a corpse. That’s the after-effect of romance. It destroys and burns until there is nothing left. I am sorry Reid. I can’t risk that. I can’t risk losing you.”
I understand what she is saying. I truly do. Raven doesn’t want to feel cheap. And if anyone has had bad experiences with love, it’s Raven.
But I can’t do this anymore either. Not even for her. There is no going back for me. I am not angry at her. I am just sad. I can’t be around her and feel this way.
This is torture.
“Raven, I am sorry. I can’t do this,” I say quietly. “I can’t be just your friend anymore. It’s too hard.”
Raven stops short and stares at me with wide eyes that are screaming with shock. I turn around to leave but Raven lunges at my back and covers me with a hug.
“Please, please Reid. Don’t do this again. You know about my pride. I am checking all of that at the door. I’ll beg you if you want. Please don’t end our friendship again. I can’t live without you.”
I don’t turn around. I speak quietly with my face still turned away. “If you can’t live without me then why can’t you be with me?”
“Reid, I already told you—”
This time I turn and grab Raven by the arms. “You told me that you don’t want to be passed around between the Sinclair brothers. But no one else even knows about you guys, and we can tell Milo not to say anything either. It was years ago. Milo has more than moved on. It can be like it never happened. I am the only one who has a right to be pissed and even I don’t care. I don’t care about anything that keeps you from me. So, what the hell is the problem?” I growl.
Raven opens her mouth but I cut her off. I am not done with my tirade.
“You once told me that true love is familial love and friendship love. Guess what? I am your best fucking friend. I am your family. Then by your own definition, I am the only true love you will ever know.”
