Page 28 of Isolation
“Of course, I can—”
“You can’t,” she cuts me off again. “You might have changed in superficial terms. Your moods are different. You are less approachable. But fundamentally, you are still the same person.”
I almost smile, but control myself. Raven is smart, and she has been observing me to find a way to either coexist or fight me off.
I am not sure which one she is leaning towards.
“As humans, we don’t change,” she continues. “Not truly. We are nothing but a sum of our nature and nurture. We can both admit that the nurture aspect has failed us miserably, leading to the two fucked up human beings standing here,” Raven motions her hand between us.
Raven sounds patient, like she is trying to explain something simple to a very difficult child.
“As for nature, our neurotransmitters dictate our personalities. If you have a high dopamine level, then you are likely an energetic person. If you have low serotonin levels, then not so much. These inherent, biological aspects make up our foundation. We can’t change the neurotransmitters signaling off to our brains. At best, we can use medication, chemicals, and behavioral therapy to suppress what we truly are. So, you see Milo. You can’t change.”
I once told Raven that the man she ends up with will never win an argument. I could laugh at that irony, but that doesn’t mean I’ll back down without a fight.
“According to your assessment, I can’t change who I truly am, correct?” I tilt my head at Raven, waiting for her confirmation.
Hazel eyes meet mine as they pierce into my non-existent soul. She slowly nods, as if wondering where I am going with this.
“But have you considered that maybe who I truly am is the person you grew up with? Maybe the person I have become over the last few years is the person I became due to extenuating circumstances?” I motion my head towards her to indicatesheis my extenuating circumstance. "Maybe my true personality is being momentarily suppressed.”
To be honest, I have no idea if I am still that old sap, but I have been searching for an option for us. One where I don’t have to lose her, nor do I have to break her to keep her.
I will be whoever she needs me to be for that alternate option.
“Or maybe this is who you were all along,” Raven argues. “Maybe your true colors came out due to extenuating circumstances. Why should I risk myself to find out who you are?”
“Because you don’t have any other options right now,” I remind her of the truth of her situation. “Also, because you are the only person who understands me like no one else. So, determine for yourself who I truly am and if I am the right person for you. Somewhere deep down, you know that our connection deserves a chance to at least be explored.”
Raven scoffs and shakes her head in disbelief. “Being perceptive in general and being the right person for you are two very different things. I can be observant, but don’t confuse my demeanor for a profound understanding of you or some sort of amazing connection between us. We haven’t even known each other for years.”
“You just said that people don’t change. Even if we haven’t been around each other, fundamentally we are still the same. We know each other’s habits, preferences and values. Give me a chance to prove thatI can be different,” I fix her with a determined look.
Yes, I haven’t exactly been controlling myself since she moved back. But that wasbeforeI saw the dreaded after-effects. I know that moving forward things have to be different between us.
“Don’t say things you don’t mean,” Raven mumbles in a sincerely pain-stricken voice. “If you try to be an imaginary person for me, it will make this unbearable situation worse when you lose your shit again. I don’t need false promises. I just want to understand the problem I am dealing with, so I can come up with a solution that works for myself.”
She is right. I shouldn’t lie to her or to myself, just to put her through hell. She wouldn’t be able to deal with it, and I can’t watch her break. Raven deserves to know what she is in for.
“Rejection,” I sum it up in one word.
“Sorry?” Raven frowns.
“I can’t deal with your rejection.”
“Yes, Milo. I am very aware that you don’t like rejection. That’s not what I meant—”
“No, Rave,” I interrupt. “I am immune to rejection. I have dealt with it all my life. From my family members. From investors at work. Rejection is an opportunity for feedback and growth. It doesn’t bother me. I’d like to specify; I can’t deal withyourrejection.”
Raven’s cheeks flush. She is angry, but she is trying to push it down. “Thatsounds like an excuse. You can’t say that and expect me to move past it.”
“You put me through hell for four years. Wasn’t that enough to move past it?”
“Clearly not, because nothing has changed,” Raven’s voice reflects the anger bubbling inside both of us. “You did the exact same shit the moment I walked back into your life.”
“I snapped, Rave. It’s like I have no control around you—”
“You do have control,” Raven clenches her teeth. “You stopped. We hadn’t seen each other in years. You didn’t come near me—”
