Page 68 of Isolation
Raven is quiet for so long that I open my mouth to follow up my comment. I stop when she speaks in a near inaudible voice. “Was it really never about sex?”
The words jolt me. I stay frozen and stare back.
Raven really is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. She is also the most creative person I have ever met. How she thinks, observes, her perspectives; it’s unlike anyone. The aura of her talented mind always leaves me wanting more. No matter how close I get, it’s never enough.
I love all of those things about her, but none of those qualities are the reason why I crave her the way I do. The reason I crave her with this insatiable appetite is because of the way she loves.
Raven has this rare ability to love unconditionally. It doesn’t matter if it’s the friendship love, the romantic kind, or familial love. When she loves someone, it’s a one way street. She loves with all of her heart.
Raven's love is not dramatic. It’s not grand like mine. It’s not loud. It’s unexpressed, in the background. Yet, it’s felt so vividly it will shake you to your core.
Raven’s love is the quiet everyday kind of love, during the most honest moments in life.
It’s easy to miss unless you are paying close attention. I have been paying close attention.
Whenever I pull an all-nighter, somehow my room is clean upon return and my laundry is done. I don’t have to catch her in the act to know that it’s her.
She talks to my dad. She suggests things like downsizing from this mansion of a home for something for modest. She “volunteers” to help him with his budget sheet to skim expenses. Suddenly the bills I am paying for next month are lower than last month.
Whenever she is in the vicinity, my to-do list is significantly smaller. She peeks into my calendar to make a mental note of my remaining to-do items, and simply takes care of them.
Even things that I don't take care of, but stresses me out, Raven takes care of it for me. Shecalls the doctor daily to provide updates on Tessa. Even though Raven is a shit cook, she brings food for Tessa, Dad and Mia because they always forget to eat.
I have never once asked her to do any of it, nor has she ever taken credit. This is exactly what she has always done for me. It's what made me fall for her in the first place.
Everyone thinks I am the caretaker, Raven included. But Raven is just as big of a caretaker, she simply doesn't express it the same way I do.
Whenever she is around I am automatically calmerbecause she takes care ofme. I need her in the most intregal sense of that word because there has only ever been one personin this world who has ever sharedmyburden.
Raven even put her only prized possession in this world up for sale. She might be broke, but being from the fashion industry she has collected a vast “designer inventory” over the last eight years.
Theressa insists on the importance of dressing well to break into the fashion world. She has it drilled into Raven’s brain that no one will take her seriously if her own style does not reflect impeccable taste.
Vis-a-vis, that collection represents Raven’s dreams. No matter what has happened in life, she has never once parted with her designer collection.
However, a few days ago, Uncle John told me he didn’t need a loan anymore because Raven insisted on giving it to them.
I snooped around to find out how she is able to provide them with this loan. I found notifications in her email account for various sales listings, including all of her beloved red bottom shoes. Her vintage Chanel purses were each valued at five thousand dollars. Raven’s parents' bank account was listed as the deposit source for all of the payments. It wouldn't be as big of a loan as I planned to give them, but it would have been enough to get them started.
I took down the listings immediately, and wire transferred the loan to Uncle John. If I didn’t snoop, I would have never known and Raven would have never boasted about it.
It’s a good thing that I occasionally hack into Raven’s email account to look for any correspondences with Reid.
Why do I do these things?
Because I don’t know how to love the way she does. She did all of those things, even suppressed her jealousy of Alexa, so my life wouldn’t be more stressful. I would happily make her life stressful if it meant no other men would come near her ever again.
A client of mine often talks about a private island he visits for vacation. The island only has one mansion, and two staff members who sail in daily to cook and clean. The first thought that came to my mind when he told me was to fly to Paris, kidnap Raven, and take her to that island. She would hate it but that’s my fucking love language; stealing her so only I can have her.
But not Raven. She is secure in how she loves.
It took me this long to understand something I should have seen years ago. This understanding is allowing me to stay on my current path.
It's a path I have always wanted to take when it comes to Raven, but I have failed to follow through.
However, for the first time I am able to stay the course because I finally understand the following:Raven knows how to love silently while the rest of us yell and scream to make the other person aware.
Raven loves in a profound way. She doesn’t verbally express her feelings. She doesn’t have to because her actions truly speak louder.
