Page 69 of Isolation
The thing is, Raven also craves that same type of love. It’s her biggest weakness.
She needs to know that she can be loved despite any lackings. She needs to know that I can love her even without the physical aspect. That’s where I have failed her.
Given my actions and our history, I am not sure how I can ever convince her that it was never just about sex. She doesn’t believe me and rightfully so.
I still have to try. “I know you don’t believe that it wasn’t just about sex,” I respond in a muted voice. “My actions never reflected the depth of my feelings. I never meant to hurt you…” I trail off when I see the look on her face.
Raven is still looking at me in disbelief, unsure how to process all of this. However, now there is something else behind that look of hers. One that has stolen my voice and my words.
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Raven
“My actions never reflected the depth of my feelings. I never meant to hurt you…” Milo's voice trails off.
“I know you weren't trying to hurt me," I admit.
I have always known that Milo's intention was never to hurt me. We spinned out of control, and neither of us have any idea how to come back from what happened.
"What you just said... It’s the most beautiful thing anyone has ever…I can’t verbalize what it means to me...” I start and stop three sentences. I finally take a deep breath, collect myself, and try again. “That’s the most beautiful sentiment you have ever expressed to me. It’s the second time you have defined the word perfection, and I don’t even believe in perfection.”
Milo is the same age as I am right now when we started sleeping together. At this stage of my life I can navigate a relationship with someone like him.
There are things I understand now that I didn’t understand as a teenager. I received that clarity after gaining some life experience. Now if I date someone, I am much more forward about what I need.
Back then, I looked up to Milo, but I never thought someone like him could want me. He was every teen girl's wet dream. He still is.
I didn’t know where I stood, nor did I dare ask. Milo never even communicated if he stopped fucking other people, let alone share anything this profound.
These are the types of words that alleviate the self esteem problems of an insecure teenager with abandonment issues.
Did he not understand that?
I am staring at him. I can’t stop becausethis,what he is saying now, is how I have always wanted to be loved. I wanted to be loved despite his need for physical contact.
Up until only a few weeks ago his main focus has always been sex and animalistic lust. Milo told me that he only stopped because our last encounter freaked him out. He wouldn’t have stopped otherwise.
Given hisownadmission, I hope he understands just how hard I am trying to believe these words. If the sincerity is there, then these words change everything.
Every. Single. Thing.
Because he is right. Everyone else is an empty fuck in comparison to what we had. Not just sex.
The whole package was always empty. Sex, dating, relationship. It has always felt less and missing, which is exactly why I am trying so hard right now despite the fact that Milo scares the shit out of me at times.
I am trying because it’s his love that makes me.
I am trying despite his lust that breaks me.
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Milo
I am staring at Raven but she started it.
I can’t utter a word. Not when she is looking at me in the way that’s a little too familiar. Raven is looking at me how she used to. A look that incites every emotion in me. I have been craving that look for years. There is nothing else like it in the world. It’s a high of its own.
She is doing that thing where she cuts me open to see me in the rawest of forms; looking through my fucked-up soul, or lack thereof. Or maybe my soul has been finally restored now that she is back.
