Page 127 of Isolation
I stroke her cheek with a thumb, trying to make her see my side.
“Raven, living without you feels like death for me. I am petrified of crawling through life without you, counting down every second till the next day. The only way I don’t see that happening is if we change our current situation. Otherwise, every day it’s going to get worse. Your nightmares. Your triggers. If we just talk to someone—”
“It will be worse if I go through all of that shit again,” Raven says, her voice finally breaking. “Watching me being likeherwill destroy you. Watching you see me that way will destroyme.”
“We won’t get destroyed.” The frustration bubbles inside of me as well.
“That’s what Uncle Reese used to tell Tessa,” Raven forces me to face the truth of our situation. “He did everything to help the woman he loves, and to give his children what they needed to succeed. He never once complained. He always worked like a dog. Now, you are doing the same things. I would never want that life for you, with a partner who doesn't carry the load and the unknown reasons that set her off. Life of walking on eggshells, hoping that today is somehow better than the day before.”
“We won’t be like them,” I say in disbelief.
We won’t because it’s her and I, it’s different. How can she evencompare us to them?
“You have to give us a real chance,” I emphasize. “For God’s sake, Rave. I am causing you anxiety attacks. That breaks the bare minimum requirement to be in a relationship.” I scoff at the ridiculous situation and her refusal to see it. “I am at fault, but you are giving up too. We can at least get help to overcome it. We will find a place—”
“No!” Raven exclaims. “I have already gone through that hell. I can’t do it again.”
“You have to,” I assert.
We are both at a standstill. Each person is trying to get the other to understand without speaking any more words. The words are too honest, too jarring, and it’s shedding the truth to our heartbroken reality.
Raven places a hand on my cheek.
“I can’t help how I feel,” she says softly. “I can only control my actions. My action is choosing something that doesn’t destroy us both, even though my feeling is that I love you—”
“You don’t love me!” I jerk my face away as my anger takes full hold. “If you did, then you would agree to what I am suggesting so we can be together. So, don’t say things that you don’t mean!”
I stiffen as soon as I realize the irony behind my words. And it smacks me right in the face why she hated hearing those words for all these years.
Because right now, I don’t believe her either. And I hate her for saying those words to me. Those are empty words when your actions are contradictory.
If she loves me, why wouldn't she give this a chance? There is no way for us to move forward if she is constantly terrified of me.
“But I do mean it,” Raven argues in her kind fucking tone, bringing my face back to hers. “I just can’t put you or everyone I love through that. I can’t putmyselfthrough that. Please don’t ask me for this. It will destroy me. It will make me want to give up, just like how Tessa wanted to give up living—”
My own breathing stops again at that reminder. I immediately pull her to my chest.
“Shhh…” I soothe Raven, running my fingers through her hair.
She is right. I am being selfish because my need only consists of being with Raven. I can’t see past her. I never could.
We both lived that life firsthand, the on and off life, going through useless treatments. It’s exhausting.
Worse, it might end in a world without Raven.And I don’t know how to exist on this planet if she doesn’t exist on it anymore either.
“We will find another way to cope," Raven's hushed voice reaches me. "If we give it some time, things will change—”
“It’s been four years, Rave. You healed.Hehealed you, and I am destroying you.”
“That’s not true,” Raven shakes her head.
I don’t respond because it is true.
My chest expands at the persistent thought that’s been on my mind for days. Now I understand why they say shit like if you love something then set it free.
In the end, that thought doesn’t cross my mind out of concern over a taboo, forbidden relationship.
Nor due to fear of our families or the stigma from society.
