Page 115 of House of Crimson Kisses
“The whole thing?” Octavia says, her eyes wide. “Fuck.”
“And then you gave me a mouthful about ninety minutes ago.”
“Then why is your skin grey? Why are you sweating? Why do you look like you’re on the brink of death? Do you need to fuck because you’ve drunk so much?”
“You make it sound so appealing,” I say, pushing her arm away so I can escape.
“Your blood is no longer working. I’m not sure what’s wrong, but it’s not satisfying me the way it was. I need more. More I fear than you can give me. But I don’t think that’s what we need to talk about, is it?”
“No,” Octavia says and turns away from me, leaning against the chest of drawers and shelving unit filled with toys. “You don’t trust me.”
She paces back and forth, and I stay quiet because I know I fucked up here and hurt her. I went to the Chief instead of to Octavia when the Chief was the one scheming against me. I placed my trust in the wrong woman. She rests her hands against the drawers again, her head tilted down, her hair covering her face.
“I didn’t, trust you then,” I offer. “But you understand why I made the choice I did, right?”
She nods, even though I can’t see her expression. “Because I took your memories.”
“You see my problem. You’re telling me I asked you to take them. But I’m asking for them back too. All I knew is that you were trying to control me.”
“Except I wasn’t.”
“No. It was the Chief. Fuck. Eleanor. Gods, what I’m supposed to call her now? It’s all a lie. It was stupid.”
“You’re hurting,” she says.
I nod, trying to keep control. “Everything hurts. It’s like my body is wasting away. My heart hurts for you, it hurts because of you, too. The Chief. I want it all to go away.”
Finally, she turns to face me. Something has shifted in her expression. “Do you truly trust me now?”
My mouth falls open. Hurt lines her expression. And yet, she still holds my memories from me. Even though I’m asking for them back. I want to believe her that I was the one who asked her to keep them from me no matter what. But what could I have done that was so bad I’d ask her to take them away?
“You still don’t,” she says, her voice cracking.
Fuck.Fuck.
“Octavia...”
“No. Don’t lie to me. I can tell you feel for me. But this... these fucking memories are always going to be between us. It doesn’t matter what happens. I’m never going to get to keep you, am I?”
Her words drop to a whisper. Her eyes are glassy. It’s like she’s pulling back, fading away from me. Like I’ve pushed her too hard for too long, and she can’t take it anymore. And I hate that it’s come to this.
“I’m here right now, aren’t I?”
“Your body is, your heart is stuck somewhere else. Wanting memories you gave to me.”
I shake my head. “I want them back.”
Octavia’s eyes drop to the floor. “You have no idea what you’re asking for. And even if I did give them back to you, what does that make me? Either I’m a liar to your past self, or I break the current you by giving them back. Either way, I lose you and my integrity.”
She finally looks up at me, and I realise how I can make her understand that, even though I’m hurting, even though everything is fucked up, I am still here. Still fighting for her. She turns around and leans her hands against a dresser.
I unbutton my shirt. Tug it off my arms and let it drop to the floor. Next, I yank off my sports bra and throw that to the ground. Last, I pull my trousers and underwear off until I’m standing there naked.
“Octavia.” She doesn’t respond. But I’m not giving up. Not least because I need this. I am hurting alongside her.
I grit my teeth. “Please...”
She looks at me, and I drop to my knees for her.
