Page 152 of House of Crimson Kisses
The truth is, I ruined everything, and now I’ve broken Octavia’s heart as well as mine.
Sadie purposely manipulated the memories she gave me. Only showed me the worst bits in order to make me do her bidding. And I may never be able to get Octavia back because of it.
I want to laugh.
I want to cry.
But instead, I lie bleeding, the last vestiges of my life running free in the ring. I’ll never get revenge; I’ll never get Octavia back and everything was for nothing.
But that’s the thing, isn’t it. I’ve been full of moralistic vitriol while I’ve been in the background, letting everyone else control me. I wasn’t in the trenches or fighting on the front lines of life.
I’ve been sat back, watching all of this play out while I refused to engage with what was happening to me. While I refused to fight back against those pulling my strings.
I was naïve.
I was a fool.
And now I’m going to die because of it.
My vision spatters with grey. What a joke I am.
How little any of us really know about ourselves until we’re facing the ultimate choice: kill or be killed. It’s only in that moment that we truly find out who we are.
And here I am.
An old man I recognise kneels beside me, his red cloak soaking with my blood. The kind monk.
Oh no.
No. No. No.
I understand what he’s doing. What he’s about to do. This is what they wanted. This is exactly where the Chief and Cordelia have engineered me to be.
In front of a crowd of nobles and hunter elders so there can be no doubt. If I drink, everyone will realise who I am. What I am.
I won’t do it.
“You have a choice to make,” he says.
But I don’t want the choice. He offers his wrist to me, but I turn away. If I do nothing, I let my body bleed out. Give up on myself, on Octavia, on Amelia.
Or do I give in to the one thing I’ve been running from?
Do I embrace who I am?
Accept that this is my destiny.
“You’ll die,” I sputter.
“We all die someday,” he brushes his hand over mine.
I stare at the old monk offering his life for mine. I have to choose:
Do I betray every value I’ve ever had, take the life of an innocent to fight for Octavia’s love? Fight to fix what I’ve done? To get the cure for Amelia?
Or do I stand by my morals?
Lay down my life to save this believer? Sacrifice myself to make sure no one else dies in pursuit of this cure? Let the door crumble and end all the fighting?
