Page 19 of A Perfect Holiday
Boone, I’m so sorry.
I opened my eyes and knew he’d be standing there, at the window, looking in at me while I rocked this newborn.
My heart rate suddenly accelerated to double time. I bit my lip, struggling for control, and I could tell by the way he was looking at me that he knew. It was probably written all over my face, and I rose, my eyes glued to his, approaching the glass toreach out and press my palm flat against it, supporting the tiny bundle with my other arm.
Very slowly, he raised his arm and pressed his big hand against the glass, right up against mine. Oh, the look on his face. The solemn lines around his mouth, and the somberness in his expressive blue eyes, tugged at my heart.
With a start of recognition, I vividly recalled the last time I saw that remote, self-contained expression. It had been when I slipped into his hospital bed after we’d both been wounded by Billy Joe. He’d been haggard and unshaven, that horrible cut on his cheek.
Boone would do anything for me. I knew that, and the guilt only pressed harder.
He was so noble he would go through with his threat to get a vasectomy, and I couldn’t let him do that. He was still so young, only twenty-two. What if somewhere down the road, something did happen to me? Then he wouldn’t be able to experience the joy of birthing a child with someone else. No, it was up to me to make the decision to take action.
I would get my tubes tied. I didn’t want sex with me to stress him out. Getting past this would be hard enough. It was up to me to protect him the way he’d always protected me.
I reached out to him in my desolation, and he responded, bolstering me. For an instant, there was a connection between us that flowed like a tangible force. His gaze silently broadcast that he was totally in tune with me, aware and accepting of my guilt and regret. Suddenly the ache in my throat was for his silent forgiveness.
Once we were home and in bed, quietly holding each other, I felt immensely better.
“I should get my tubes tied. Don’t you think?”
His arms tightened around me. He said, “Why you?”
“You’re not the damaged one. You shouldn’t have to pay the price.” I shifted in his arms, facing him and ran my hand over his shoulder. “I want to do this. If something happens to me down the road, you could still have children.”
“Aw, darlin’,” he said, his voice fierce. “What you don’t realize is you are my world, and if something happens to you, there would be no future marriage for me.”
That’s when I broke down and Boone held me through wrenching sobs that tore my guts to shreds, hurting for him, for myself and for our son.
I had kept so much to myself, but right now I needed to save our marriage. If I didn’t talk to him openly, if we didn’t share every one of the thoughts and feelings keeping us apart, I feared it would destroy our marriage.
Had I already done irreparable harm?
Chapter Five
BOONE
Outlaws was packed with people eager to witness the Santa contest. It was the day after our devastating news, but life waited for no one, and Verity insisted that we support River Pearl in promoting her gallery and her plans for Christmas Eve.
“Are you sure about this, sugar?” I said, shifting Duel onto my other hip so I could hold her against me. As we came in the door, people cheered to see one of the contestants arriving. She was holding Henry’s hand.
“I’m sure.” She smiled and I smiled back. She was trying so hard, and I decided to just let it all go for now and have a good time.
In fact, what troubled me more right now was the sorrow I saw in Henry’s eyes whenever I visited. Most of the time Baker kept his distance, but there didn’t seem to have been any more episodes of violence. Of course, I couldn’t be sure, and it kept me up at night.
The conversations in Outlaws were loud and boisterous, and there was great warm-hearted community vibe going on here. River Pearl’s heroic revelation of the first Duel Outlaw’s true story at her ancestor’s Founder’s Day Festival had changed the tide for us. Suttontowne no longer made the festival about the Colonel, but about celebrating the town’s existence and prosperity. I was so proud of River Pearl and her family for making that change, and for embracing us, which included my ma, now happily married to Winchester Sutton.
People were more open and welcoming to us and the Outlaws restaurant, and its reputation, already solid, gained momentum,plus word was spreading, bringing in patrons from New Orleans and other communities through the state.
“Yes. I’m very sure. I’m not going to let this ruin our and our family’s Christmas, Boone. We can get through this together like we agreed on.” She smiled and I hugged her hard.
“Wow, it looks great in here,” Verity said. She was right. The place was festooned with wreaths and garlands, beautifully and tastefully done, the crowning glory the huge wreath over the stage.
“Yeah, we’ve decked the freaking halls, all right,” Brax said from behind them. “Thanks to River Pearl and the womenfolk.”
“I made the bows for all the wreaths,” Verity said with a smile, nudging Brax. “Brax was like the Grinch who stole Christmas, the way he kept trying to take some things down. But River set him straight.”
“Yeah,” he grumbled. “She threatened to fa-la-la all over me.” He hooked his arm around Verity’s neck and hugged her close. “You made some beautiful bows, sweetheart,” he said, his voice husky. He hung onto her just a little longer than necessary, making it obvious he wasn’t really talking about the bows.
