Page 36 of Wicked Minds
“Now you’ve gone and said twice that I’m yours so I feel the need to point out the fact that I’m not.”
He only grins wickedly at me. “That’s where we beg to differ,” he says, stepping into me so all I can see is him. “But you’ll soon see that youare mine.You never stopped.” Reaching up, he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, lingering as though he can’t bring himself to pull away. “I’ve waited my whole life for you. I fucked up, and I have my dues to pay; I get that. I’ll happily pay them, seeing as the alternative… losing you altogether is not an option. So maybe you’re right. Maybe you’re not mine, but I am most certainly yours.”
“Logan.” I’m honestly not entirely sure what I was going to say. My heart feels as though it’s trapped in a vice. He places a finger over my lips, that slight bit of contact sending a zing along them that leaves them tingling. It only serves to remind me how safe I always felt with him. How gentle and caring he was. Despite his size and stature, Logan always touched me as though I needed to be handled with care.
“Don’t say anything. I know where you stand, and I understand it. I just had to say my piece, especially since I get the distinct impression you don’t fully believe me yet.”
He’s right, I don’t. Or didn’t?
“Okay,” I say instead. With a final sweep of his gaze over my face, he steps back, and cold rushes in, the distance between us leaving a frigid ache in my bones. “I should go.”
“No, don’t. Please. Maybe we can walk and talk for a bit? I was about to suggest grabbing a coffee before we were interrupted. If you have time before your next class, we could go for a walk while we drink or just sit and talk.” His lips quirk up on one side. “Like old times.”
I find it impossible to say no to that face, so I end up agreeing, and we line up at the coffee cart, getting our drinks before strolling along one of the numerous campus paths.
As we walk, I notice, unlike before, where Logan would have talked about himself, hockey, and the team, he peppersmewith questions instead. The conversation is more balanced as we exchange anecdotes about our lives back and forth.
I don’t even notice the time passing until we circle back to the coffee cart, and I actually feel a little sad that we’re parting.
“Thank you,” he says as we come to a stop back where we started. He’s standing so close, the front of my coat brushes his, but I don’t move away. If anything, the more time I spend in his presence, the more I crave him. I remember how good it felt to have his arm around me, his warmth seeping into my skin.
God, I miss that. I don’t want to. I don’t want to miss anything about Logan Astor, except that doesn’t negate the fact that I miss everything. I misshim.
He heaves out a shuddering breath that draws my attention. “It’s just… fuck, Riley, I feel like I’m going out of my mind.”
My mouth drops open in surprise at his admission. At the torment scored into his face. It’s not like he hasn’t seen or talked to me all week. “Why?” I ask curiously.
“Why?” he repeats like it’s the most absurd question. “Because I’ve barely spoken to you in weeks.” His expression turns pained as his gaze drops over me, and he unconsciously leans closer. “Because I can’t touch you. Because every time we’re together, all I can think about is kissing you, and knowing you don’t want that is eating me alive inside. I just… I know Ican’t do anything to change the past, butgod,do I wish Grayson had never seen you in that club. That we were still back when everything was fucking perfect between us. When you trusted me, and I could see it in your eyes that you were falling for me just as fast and as hard as I’ve been falling for you.”
Oh, how I wish we could go back to that time too. When everything between Logan and me was so easy. So perfect. When I believed I could count on him and thought he was the most faultless man ever.
Except no one is perfect, and we can’t go back in time. It wouldn’t do us any good even if we could.
“I can’t stand this distance between us,” he continues. “I’ll do anything to make things right between us, Riley. Anything.” He sounds so pained, so anguished that it shreds up my insides. I hate this distance between us, too. I don’twantto be on the outs with Logan, but keeping him at arm’s length is for my own good. My own safety. Ihaveto keep him as far away from what remains of my masticated heart, or he’ll devour the scraps that remain.
“Anything, Riley.” Reaching up, he squeezes the tops of my arms in an almost desperate plea. “Tell me what I have to do.”
“I can’t,” I tell him heavily. “There is no one thing you can do to make this better, Logan. It’s not something you can fix just like that. It takes time to heal these sorts of wounds… I needtimeto know if I can ever trust you again.”
His head drops between his shoulders, his large hands moving over my shoulders until they cradle the back of my head. “Okay,” he says after he’s taken a moment to gather himself. “It’s okay. I understand. I get it, I do. I’m not trying to pressure you. I just… God, I miss you so fucking much, Shortcake.” We’re cheek to cheek, his admission a shattered whisper in my ear as his arms hold me snuggly against him.
Tears burn the backs of my eyes, and my traitorous heart begs for me to throw in the towel and tell him he’s forgiven because keeping him at arm’s length is so goddamn hard. Agonizingly so.
As if sensing I need this moment of intimacy as badly as he does, his arms band tightly around me, crushing me against him, and I welcome it as I bury my face in his chest and allow myself to pretend everything is okay between us.
“I’m so sorry,” he murmurs against my ear. “I’m sorry that I hurt you. Sorry that I’mstillhurting you. Sorry that I couldn’t see what was right in front of me. I want everything with you, Shortcake. Every. Fucking. Thing. My life without you is not an option. I know it’s hard right now, and you’re scared to trust me. One day, however, youwilltrust me so wholeheartedly it’ll be like we’re one person.” He pulls back only enough to look me in the eyes, searing me with the fierceness of his promise. “We just have to get through this first, just… don’t give up on me, okay? Do that one thing for me. Don’t shut your heart off from loving me. Protect it, keep it safe, but don’t shut it off. Can you do that for me?”
The world ceases to exist as I gaze into those chestnut hues, brimming with anguish and regret but shining with intensity, nonetheless.
“Isn’t this cozy.” The voice scratches through the moment like the scrape of a needle along a record, and I reluctantly look away from Logan to take in Grayson’s sneering expression. “I see she’s still leading you by the balls,” he says to Logan, ignoring my presence altogether.
“Grayson,” Logan growls in warning as he moves to stand beside me, our shoulders brushing. “Don’t start.”
“Don’t start what? I’m not starting anything.”
“Done avoiding me, I see,” I interject before their argument can escalate. Far better to divert Grayson’s anger to me thanhave him take out his bad mood on Logan and risk further damage to their friendship.
“Avoiding you?” he sneers. “Not sure why you’d think I’d go out of my way to do that.”
