Page 72 of Things We Do for Love and Science
She exhaled slowly. “I never expected you to have put your life on hold during our separation. A lot can happen in two years, and you becoming a parent won’t... It won’t change anything. There are thousands of patchwork families across the country, we’ll just be one more.”
He took her hand but remained silent. Vanessa’s acceptance should come as a relief, but his mind was still reeling. Two months of agony and now this— Instead of severing his ties with Delia completely, he was tethered to her for life.
Vanessa left shortly after Delia’s announcement, probably sensing that he needed to be alone. It was true. Only in solitude would he be able to acquaint his mind and heart with the new reality and make sense of the whirl of emotions that tore through him. The bursts of wild joy whenever he thought of Delia’s pregnancy and the hurt of having lost her, alternated in torturing him.
He had to control himself and contain the chaos of his feelings. Vanessa was waiting for him to recover, to open up to her once more. Pining for what might have been was futile, given the circumstances.
He put on his coat and went out to the park, Renoir at his side. The ground was dry and hard under his feet, and the trees poked their dark, bare branches into to the leaden sky. In a few weeks, buds would be forming on trees and shrubs. Snowdrops and crocuses would promise another spring. But now, the park was still in the fierce grip of winter.
He wanted to be a father and have a family, but maybe with Delia, he’d been aiming too high. Yearning for a commitment phobic genius scientist wasn’t exactly a recipe for happiness.
So far, he hadn’t slept with Vanessa after their reunion of a kind. He’d kissed her, but it had been hollow, performative, and lifeless. He was a cold and empty grate, not an ember left in him to ignite. Things would improve over time, become easier, more mellow.
He’d loved Vanessa once; he could do so again.
Also, he desperately needed to come up with a credible story for Brady-Greene. Something vague enough to neither put any blame on Delia, nor paint him as a heartless cheater. He had to warn her before he did though, because once Brady-Greene knew of their separation, Professor Winter would probably hear about it too. It was an awful predicament to put her in, but at least she had tenure and was no longer at the mercy of John Winter’s whims.
But how would Gabriel tell her? He couldn’t ring her. Her voice alone would eviscerate him. An email or text message was too transient somehow. A letter? He’d put it all in a letter. It had a finality to it. A closing chapter to their mad and passionate story that would document the start of their sober and committed co-parenting.
The course was clear but the obstacles near unsurmountable. Meeting Delia week after week once their baby was born would make it hard for him to finally get over her. He’d ring Evelyn in the morning. She’d counselled him through the grief of losing his mother ten years ago and would be able to help him now. He only hoped her waiting list wasn’t too long.
But first he’d write that letter, then he’d take down Delia’s portrait.
He’d been avoiding that part of the house whenever he could because every glimpse he caught of that painting was like a stab wound to his heart.
~ * ~
Aheaviness settledon Delia’s chest like a cast iron plate. There’d been a glow of joy on Gabriel’s face, a mere flicker before he’d withdrawn. The temptation to hold onto him had been overpowering, but then she’d met Vanessa.
Delia had fled to her car and reversed out of the driveway of the gatehouse, unable to look back and face Gabriel and the willowy, blonde woman with the pretty face and kind eyes. Vanessa would make him happy. She seemed like a steady, healthy type of person who would easily manage it.
At home, Delia wrapped herself in the blue mohair blanket and settled on the sofa. Tears threatened to overwhelm her, but she suppressed them as best she could. Her mind had always accepted it as given that one day Gabriel would find someone to love and settle down with. Her body, having witnessed the fact, was appalled at the very idea.
She was winded, speechless, and raw. The tugging pain at the center of her chest was as fierce as it was unexpected. Why was she so upset? Why did the feeling of loss nearly stifle her?
A fact emerged, as facts were wont to eventually. She could have been the woman Gabriel gave his heart to; he had asked her to be. Instead, she’d shown him the door, frightened by her depth of feeling and terrified of losing control. She bitterly regretted it now that it was too late.
But she was going to be a mother and needed to find a way through this. She grabbed her phone and messaged Gabriel.
Sorry I sprung this on you, I should have called you first. I’m sure you and your partner want your own children, and I understand if you don’t want to be involved as co-parent anymore.
A mere breath later an answering message pinged into her phone.
Please let me know when you have the first scan. I want to be there.
A sob rose in her throat, and she had to take a couple of deep breaths before she was able to send her reply.Yes, I will.
