Page 69 of Ember and Eclipse
She registered Devdan opening the curtain and stepping inside sometime later, his presence a tangible intensity. And though some part of her was embarrassed that he was witnessing her in such a state, now that the tears had started, she couldn’t stop. Even as she tried to cut off the mournful sounds, theyrupturedfrom her.
“Rel—”
“Go”—a sob—“away.”
He stepped toward her.
“Please,” she begged, and she wasn’t sure if she was still asking him to leave or not. “Just give me ten minutes, and then I’ll be fine.”
The problem was she hadn’t cried in so long that she was scared of what she was feeling and unskilled in how to deal with it. What if her magic burst out of her again? She’d burn her entire home down and him with it.
“You time your moments of distress? Your sadness and rage?” Devdan asked incredulously, his head tilting as he studied her.
“Yes, so I don’t drown in them or burn the entire house down,” she said through huffed breaths that made her sound incredibly weak.
“And how has that worked out for you so far? Rage can’t be contained. What happened out there wasbecauseyou never let yourself feel through it. You shoved it down and numbed yourself to it. It took up residence in your bones. But wrath is volatile—it’ll always find a way to burn. And if you keep bottling it up like you have been, you’ll only kill yourself like you almost did out there.”
“You’re the expert here on feeling?”
He shrugged, unbothered by her intended offense. “I know what it’s like tonotfeel. In the end, it’s just self-destruction.”
Rel couldn’t argue with him. She had packaged her anger, the feelings of despair, and all the unfair and horrible things she’d endured and buried them. But now there was no more hiding them. No more hidingfromthem. “And this?” she said in a much smaller voice as she gestured to her tear-stained face and his wet tunic.
“When was the last time you were safe, Rel? When was the last time you grieved?”
“The last time I cried was when my mother didn’t come home from selling her salves and herbs in Romul when I was six.” And she couldn’t remember the last time she had felt safe. Probably only before that, when she was a child.
A flash of surprise came over his features, followed closely by empathy borne of an intimate understanding. He was looking at her like he wanted to take it all from her, and it made her chest constrict. “You’ve been so focused on surviving that you haven’t been able to. You haven’t been able to heal. From any of it.”
“Just,” she let out heavily, “give me ten minutes.” But without warning, she was pulled back under the ocean of sorrow. She turned into the mattress, attempting to muffle the sound of the sobs that racked her body. Unable to hear anything over herself, she hoped he’d left to give her privacy.
She was startled when she felt something cold press into her forearm not moments later. Lifting her head, she was met with the gray-eyed wolf. His ears laid back in concern, and the pain that had been in his gaze was still there even in this form.
She tentatively reached for his muzzle, her hand shaking along with the rest of her body from a building sob. He nuzzled against her hand with a low whimper that activated her own heart-wrenching noises. Leaving her palm against his snout, she curled further in on herself. She couldn’t deny having him present was like finding an island while adrift in an otherwise endless sea.
The night turned into day, the rising sun sending streaks of rich green and blue dancing through her bedroom from the hanging glass pieces. Exhausted and weak, she was no longer making the mournful sounds she had been earlier, but tears still ran in a constant stream. Ten minutes hadn’t been long enough. She didn’t know if an eternity would be.
And yet Devdan never left, never fell asleep. He’d sat vigil over her mourning all night. She looked over at him, his form just a blur.
“You didn’t have to stay,” she murmured.
Pressing against her, the wolf licked her tears.
A small smile curled her lips at how it tickled, but she pushed him away. “Stop,” she croaked. He took her smile for encouragement and licked her other cheek, his tail thumping against the furniture.
Shaking her head, she rolled over on her back to get rid of him. The exhaustion piled on her like a weighted blanket. She wiped her tears away, and only had enough energy to move over on the bed, pressing herself against the wall.
“You can stay.As a wolf. If you want—”
But he was already jumping onto the bed. His wolf was large, and the bed creaked and groaned from his added weight. He laid so that he faced away from her, a lot of his body hanging off the edge, and she wondered if he was trying to not push his luck.
She burrowed into him, her face buried between his shoulder blades and her hand in his fur. His heartbeat was even more thunderous in this form and soothed some part of her that she couldn’t locate. But it was enough that she eventually fell asleep.
Chapter XLI
Devdanwasn’tinbedwhen she awoke. Daylight filtered into her room, and she didn’t know if it was still the same day. Her eyes were dry and swollen, and her throat was scratchy. She otherwise felt empty, and it was both a relief and a concern.
A clanging noise let her know where the hunter was. Just as she thought about going back to sleep, a waft of savory food had her stomach growling. The aroma, and her curiosity, lured her from the room. She paused at the corner before entering the dining area, trying to make sense of the sight before her.
