Page 6 of Happily Ever Witch
Still, this was the closest she’d gotten to actually communicating with someone in power. “About time you showed up.” She snapped. “I want to talk to you, in case you missed the subtle clues.”
“I’m Commander of the Heart Kingdom Guard.” He announced and she could already tell he was a jerk. The clothes were a dead giveaway. He was dressed in a fancy uniform, with a decorative sword at his side. Even with the light in her eyes, she could see every button and stay was straining under his colossal bulk. “You are a prisoner of Wonderland, witch.”
“Who gives a shit?” Esmeralda retorted. “Look, all I want is a phone call.” She held her thumb and pinkie up to her ear, mimicking the shape of a receiver. “You know? Tel-a-phone?” She carefully spaced out the syllables, in case these jokers were even more backwards than she thought. “Your men took mine and I want it back.”
“Don’t play dumb, you evil harlot.” The Walrus spat out. Jesus, he actually used the word “harlot.” “You enspelled ourqueen!” He was one of those guys who yelled every word and his huge tusks meant that all his Ss were slurred.
“Oh, Alice will be fine as a log. She’s more durable now than she was before. Wood can last hundreds of years.” Unless termites got it first. “Don’t be so dramatic. Let’s focus on the now. I want to go home.”
There was a reason no one visited Wonderland, if they could possibly help it. Stuff justhappenedhere, without sense or reason. The crazier you were, the crazier it all got. Some sort of insane magic bled out of the soil, feeding on anarchy and oddness.
“So can I call a lawyer?” She persisted when the Walrus just glowered at her. “Iamentitled to a lawyer, aren’t I?” It would probably be a giant, talking ostrich, but she’d take what she could get.
“Technology isn’t working here, right now.” The Walrus snapped, disregarding her request for legal representation. “We’ve made sure of that.”
“What does that mean? You’ve got cameras going.” She pointed to the blinking red light of the video equipment overhead.
“None of your business what it means! And you’re ‘entitled’ tonothing. I should warn you that before Queen Alice hired me, I ran Wonderland’s criminal underground. Iknowhow to get the truth out of people, so I suggest you start talking, witch.”
He wasthatWalrus? Crap. Better get her version out there, before she got herself shucked and eaten. Rumor had it that’s what happened to his former henchman, the Oyster Brigade.
“I’ve been trying to tell you the truth for an hour.” If he was willing to listen, maybe she’d finally get out of here. “First off, I’m not a spy or a terrorist or whatever else those nimrods upstairs were yelling.”
“And yet you enspelled Queen Alice into driftwood.” The Walrus paced around in agitation. “Did you think that would stop us? Is this all part of your secret plan?”
“None of this was a ‘plan.’” Esmeralda sat up straighter and tried to see the Walrus’s face through the glare of the interrogation lamp. “Mostly, I’m a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-awesome-leather-pants kinda girl.”
“You’re an about-to-be-killed-by-the-Queen-of-Clubs kinda girl!”
Who the hell was the Queen of Clubs?
“Let me just explain this from the beginning, okay?” Esmeralda tried. “I was in the Northlands, helping my friend Avenant woo himself a bride, and I fell through a rabbit hole. It transported mehere.” She jerked a thumb in the probable direction of the pastel lawn. “I fell through nothingness for a super-long time and then crash-landed at a garden party.”
“Seventeen months.”
“What?”
“You fell for seventeen months, using standardized clocks. Rabbit holes can compress time, so to you, it was only a few hours, but…”
“Seventeen months!” She interrupted at a shout. “Shit!” Her friends were going to be pissed. “So, I’ve missed like a year and a half?” She threw up her hands in exasperation. “If anything,Ishould be the one having the freak out here.”
The Walrus wasn’t convinced.
She let out an aggravated breath, trying to focus. “Fine. You know what? I will deal with it. At least, I’ll have a lot of new documentaries to binge.” Esmeralda liked watching documentaries while she worked. They were soothing. She reluctantly switched back to her story. “So, anyway, after I accidently fell into your yard, I tried to leave. But, your guards attacked and Ihadto attack them back. Anybody would’ve done the same.” She paused. “Not for nothing, but did it ever occur to you that hiring a bunch of playing cards as soldiers isn’t the brightest recruiting strategy?” Even her misfiring magic had flattened those jokers like they were --well-- paper.
The guards glowered at her.
So did the Walrus. “What about Queen Alice?”
“Whatabouther? As I tried to walk out of this candy-colored nightmare, some snotty, blue-eyed bitch got in my face, threatening to arrest me. So I zapped her and she turned into a log. Super tragic. Not a dry eye in the house. At that point, your goons dragged me down here to answer for my nefarious crimes…”
He cut her off, looking suspicious. “Why didn’t you ‘zap’ them, too?”
Because my magic crapped out.
“Because, I’m a peaceable girl. Once I realized my life wasn’t in danger from you guys, I peaceably surrendered in a law-abiding way. Then those two locked me in this room,” she gestured to the other guards, “and I’ve been bored ever since.” She spread her hands. “The end.”
“Not quite. You skipped the part where you took the Queen of Hearts’ crown off of Alice’s head.” He gestured to the tiara she wore.
