Page 23 of My UnTrue Love
“A lot.” Clementine whispered, touched that he cared so much about her health. “It costs more than my rent. And my rent isalsoa lot. Johnny insisted we get a four-bedroom house.”
Bill frowned.“Huh.”
The sound was neutral, but the subtext was not. She could read Bill’s assorted “huhs” like a book. He thoughtJohnny’s demand for a mini-mansion was ridiculous. She kind of agreed.
“Johnny and I have been roommates since college. We started with a small apartment, but he needed more space for his music and his meditating. He said it would help him with his creativity.”
“And you split the rent, half and half?”
She wrinkled her nose. “Yes.”
Bill made another “huh” sound.
Now Clementine sensed disapproval. Same word, completely different meaning. “He should pay more, if he gets three rooms and I get one? That’s what you’re saying?”
Bill shrugged.
Clementine’s forehead creased, considering that well-articulated point. Bill was very perceptive. No doubt about it. “I’ve always thought the same thing.” She confessed. “Johnny says he needs the extra room, though. And I don’t. It seemed selfish of me to complain.” She paused. “But Johnnynevermeditates, and he mostly uses his music room to play video games.”
Bill crossed his arms over his chest, his eyebrow going up a tiny bit. He was makingsuchgreat arguments.
“Maybe…” She trailed off and then forced herself to say what she’d been thinking for months. Longer even. “MaybeJohnnyis the one being selfish.”
This time the “huh” meant that Bill completely agreed with her summation.
Clementine kept going, the words rushing out of her. “Maybe Johnny walked all over me, and I let him.” She didn’t like acknowledging that, but it seemed so clear in retrospect. “I didn’t want to upset him or ruin our friendship. ButIwas the one upset, and the friendship got ruined anyway. How he acted waswrong.” She paused. “And how I reacted was wrong, too. How I didn’t act.Unacted.”
Bill’s head tilted. He didn’t like that she was taking any of the blame.
“I should have been more assertive.” Clementine explained. “From now on, I’m really going to work on that. For me and for you. A good manager has to be assertive. I need to decide what I want and go get it.”
“Huh.” Now, Bill was a little impressed. She could tell.
Clementine felt a surge of confidence. “Maybe I should move out of Johnny’s and get someplace cheaper?”
It came out like a question, because the idea was daunting. She’d never actually made a decision about where she lived. She’d just gone from her parents’ mining camp, to her foster home, to wherever Johnny wanted to rent. She’d never made a choice, and personal choices were so important.
So what didshewant?
Her brows furrowed, on the verge of a realization.
Everything had been upended for her, but it didn’t feel like her life was a big mess. It felt like she’d justcleareda big mess. Clarified things that had been foggy before. She saw her past mistakes so vividly that she knew she’d been seeing them for a very long time. That she’d already been preparing for the“after” to begin. For when she found her way free of the big mess and into her new life. For right now.
Bill ate another cookie and waited for her to answer her own question.
“I should move out of Johnny’s.” Clementine said again, this time in a firm voice.
Bill slowly smiled and it did crazy things to her heart.
Just that fast, Clementine’s desire to be more assertive smacked headlong into her deep, abiding, unrequited crush on Bill. The realization she’d felt coming on blossomed into a genuine artistic epiphany. For the very first time in her life, Clementine experienced aka-pow!moment of her very own.
What did she want? She wanted Pecos Bill, of course!
It was empowering to finally admit it. To not be afraid of her own desires. This was the man she felt attracted to and connected with. All her instincts told her he was supposed to be hers. She wanted a life and a family with Bill, so she’d figure out a way to make it happen.
She was going to chase this cowboy, until she caught him.
“I could live alone, but I’m pretty sure I’d hate it.” She said before she could reconsider her outrageous idea.
