Page 40 of Sloth
“I loved her before Matthew did,” I admit, even though the words taste bitter in my mouth. Matthew never loved her at all, and I was a second away from telling him that back at the house. Ruining the vision he’s got of the perfect son.
“Then why the hell did you let your brother marry her?” he asks.
“Because I didn’t think I was good enough.” I lower my head.
“Yeah, well, you weren't wrong.” He shakes his head and huffs a laugh.
“You know, that right there is probably why,” I call him out. “You always compared me to him; put me down, told me I had to do better. I was never as good as Matthew in your eyes. I was never gonna be, no matter what I did, and I can’t pinpoint the exact moment that it happened, but I stopped trying to be.” I look the old bastard in the eye as I tell him some home truths. “I was my own person, Dad. I didn’t want to be a rancher. I didn’t even wanna stay in Fork River, but you put me down so much. You chipped away at me until I thought I was good for nothing.”
“Excuses,” he spits the word out at me cruelly. “And if you don’t wanna be here, why the fuck are you shacking up with your brother's wife?” he asks with that same look of disgust on his face as he had back at the house.
“Because she needed me. Because she believed in me, and because I love her. This town is her home. She likes it here, so if I have to be a rancher, I’ll be one. If I have to be a damn astronaut, I’ll find my way to the fuckin’ moon.” I stand over him.
“Do you have any idea what it takes to be a father? It takes dedication and hard work; you gotta put that little person before yourself, and anything else. Are you prepared to do that for another man's child?” he asks.
“I’m prepared to do that for her.” I give him my answer, and when it silences him, I sit down on Mom’s chair and wait for him to give me his conclusion.
“And what do you think folks are gonna say?” He rocks the chair and takes out his pipe.
“I don’t care what folks say; the only people whose opinions matter to us are you and Mom. We were gonna tell you tonight, and we were nervous as hell, because we love you, and I wish you had just a fraction of a clue how much.” I think about the secret me and Erin chose to keep so they can sleep at night.
“Your mom has spent her whole day preparing for tonight. I won’t have her hard work go to waste,” he tells me. “If you can live with what you're doing, then so can I. I won’t lose another son.” He stands up and starts making his way inside.
“We’re not committing a sin, Dad; we’re two people who love each other.” He stops in his tracks and turns back around.
“I sure hope your brother feels the same way,” he tells me before continuing inside.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
ERIN
TWO WEEKS LATER
“What about Cassius?” I suggest, causing Luke to spit the milk from his cereal across the table.
“Not a chance.” He shakes his head.
“Noah?”
“You wanna name our kid after a River boy?” He’s really not impressed by that one.
“We wouldn't be naming him after a River boy; it’s biblical,” I point out. “Not that it matters. I don’t know why we’re wasting time going over boy names when it’s clear we’re having a girl.”
“Keep dreaming, darlin’.” Luke gets up and takes his bowl to the basin, then reaches his hand down to stroke my ever-growing stomach. “That is undoubtedly a boy in there, and you are gonna be ganged up on so bad,” he warns me, and when he notices how fast the smile drops from my face, his face turns serious.
“Darlin’, what's wrong? Please don’t start crying again.” He sounds panicked
“It's not your fault, it’s just…” I wipe away my tears and stop myself from saying it out loud.
“Tell me what's on your mind.” He grabs the chair beside me and straddles it, taking my hand and encouraging me to open up.
“I don’t want a boy,” I admit, fully aware of how dreadful that sounds. “You always hear parents saying they don’t care what they have as long as it’s healthy, but I… I need this baby to be a girl.” I sob when I think of what a failure I am already.
“Because you're scared.” He wraps his hand around the back of my neck and squeezes the exact spot that never fails to soothe me. “Listen, babe, whether this kid is a boy or a girl, ain’t gonna matter. It’s gonna be raised by us, our way. And I promise it’s gonna be perfect…maybe a little spoiled, but perfect. All that evil got buried with Matthew. Only good things are gonna come from this.” He touches my tummy again and, just like always, it gives me that warm, fuzzy feeling inside.
“You always know the right thing to say.” I feel like a crazy person when I start crying again. I have no idea how this guy is putting up with me right now.
“I’m just speaking the truth.” He kisses me and stands over me so he can rub the tension out of my shoulders.
